I am 23 years old. Definitely in full-adult age category. Family Christmas really drove that point home. I swear my now-teenage cousins were kids last Christmas. They weren't, but damn it I swear they were! In fact, family Christmas drove home a few points. I felt more relaxed, more comfortable in my own skin. Even though I have little in common with my mom's side of the family, I had a great time and was impressively social. I'd say that this represents my happiness with my present situation. All-in-all this has been the most successful year of my life. Here's the details:
- I am back in school. I had an awesome first semester. My grades aren't the absolute best, but they are still pretty damn good. And honestly, in a field like journalism, the proof is in the pudding. Passion, personality, creativity, and good-quality stories are what will make me successful in the business, not my grade in "The Art of the Interview."
- I have a confession to make. I went to visit my family before my first day of classes(that is, my first day back at school in 2 1/2 years). On the drive back to the city I had a PANIC ATTACK. It wasn't as physical as it was emotional. I didn't hyperventilate, but I did cry for two hours straight. I was petrified of meeting new people, of trying to fit in, of having to re-start this "friend-making" thing all over again. My greatest insecurities came to the surface that day. However, I am proud to say that in the past 3 months I have made some of the best friends I will ever make. I overcame that hurdle. There are some teeny cliques within my class but overall I feel like I have transcended them and be-friended through party lines(with the help of some occasional heavy drinking). I only dislike one person. Despite that I have successfully made it through a massive group project with that individual with only slightly heightened blood pressure.
- My mind was positive that I want to be a writer when I went into J-school. However, I have been very successful in my Broadcast class and feel an indescribable sense of accomplishment every time I finish a news story. I'm not sure if I will do print or broadcast, or god-knows-what, but I do know that my horizons have broadened from my original ideas.
- I am still dating Chris. We have a very healthy relationship and I see us being together for quite some time. Being in a long-distance relationship is difficult at times, but the benefit of how great we are together is always worth more than physical proximity. He has been my biggest support this semester. When I succeeded, he was the first to be proud of me. When I failed, he was the first to comfort me. And when I couldn't take all the pressure and broke down, he had all the right things to say.
- I have made it by financially. Working while in school is difficult. I would love to have spent my Christmas break not working at all, just spending time with Chris, family and friends. But to have a job serving in a restaurant, that simply isn't possible without quitting, and I need the money. Balancing all of these things isn't for everyone, and I certainly feel like those in my program who don't work have a certain advantage over me. However I am proud and as busy as things get, I always get by.
Well, I think that's all I have to report on. I read through my New Year's resolutions from last year(which were written in my journal, not my blog). I achieved all of them except for two! But those two were kind of silly anyways, and I half-did one of them(quit at Tumblers. I am no longer on their schedule, am just "on call" for when they're in a pinch).
My only real resolutions for next year that I can think of is to try to be more healthy in general, to pack my lunches instead of buying them at school, and to kick some fucking ass at my radio internship in the fall. I'd also like to "create my own internship" and do some journo-type work this summer, but that's no resolution, it's just a goal.
Anyways, happy new years to all of you, I can tell it will be yet another stellar one.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Close Your Eyes
Today in class we had a student-led presentation on the subject of trauma in journalism. At one point we were asked to close our eyes. Imagine a traumatic experience you've had. The way it was presented really did take you into that moment and into how you dealt with it. As we all have, I've been through some stuff. But my mind went to something strange in that moment.
When I was in about grade 7 I was climbing the stairs with my class after some sort of event. Maybe a gym class outside or something. And a guy behind me said something along the lines of "shouldn't take the stairs at the same time as Chelsea, I can feel the earth quake". This, of course, was only one instance of many when that happened to me when I was younger. But I remember it full and clear. I remember above all else that feeling you get. The feeling I got time and time again where I was ashamed to be myself. Where I had no voice and just pretended I couldn't hear anything. Just prayed to be invisible.
And then we were asked how we dealt with that. I dealt with it by hating my peers. I hated where I was, and my lack of freedom. How I was treated when I was reaching adolescence absolutely affected me and will continue to for the rest of my life. Fat, ugly, boyish, loner, leach.
I cannot change how I dealt. I vowed to rise above that town. To rise above everyone who set out to tear me down. It might be a wrong motive but it's a motive to succeed. I grew from an awkward child to an attractive young woman. I am proving my intelligence, skills and dedication.
When I worry that I won't succeed now, I remind myself of what I have riding on it. I refuse to fade into the background. My insecurities are a part of my past. I can't be a journalist without confidence, without ideas, without passion. I need to set myself apart from everyone else if I want to get ahead.
I've come a long way from that staircase. I'm the only person I know from my school to become a journalist. I never foresaw this but there are no words to describe how elated I am about it.
When I was in about grade 7 I was climbing the stairs with my class after some sort of event. Maybe a gym class outside or something. And a guy behind me said something along the lines of "shouldn't take the stairs at the same time as Chelsea, I can feel the earth quake". This, of course, was only one instance of many when that happened to me when I was younger. But I remember it full and clear. I remember above all else that feeling you get. The feeling I got time and time again where I was ashamed to be myself. Where I had no voice and just pretended I couldn't hear anything. Just prayed to be invisible.
And then we were asked how we dealt with that. I dealt with it by hating my peers. I hated where I was, and my lack of freedom. How I was treated when I was reaching adolescence absolutely affected me and will continue to for the rest of my life. Fat, ugly, boyish, loner, leach.
I cannot change how I dealt. I vowed to rise above that town. To rise above everyone who set out to tear me down. It might be a wrong motive but it's a motive to succeed. I grew from an awkward child to an attractive young woman. I am proving my intelligence, skills and dedication.
When I worry that I won't succeed now, I remind myself of what I have riding on it. I refuse to fade into the background. My insecurities are a part of my past. I can't be a journalist without confidence, without ideas, without passion. I need to set myself apart from everyone else if I want to get ahead.
I've come a long way from that staircase. I'm the only person I know from my school to become a journalist. I never foresaw this but there are no words to describe how elated I am about it.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Powerful Women
I must admit that the women I admire the most haven't reported on the most important things in the world. They aren't the leaders of nations. They aren't scientists. I give those women props, but in all honesty, they aren't the women I look up to.
I admire women comedians. Samantha Bee, Amy Poehler, and Tina Fey are my idols. They also happen to be incredibly strong women. They are amazing at what they do. I respect how far they've made it in a male-dominated profession. I respect how unbelievably modest they are. Seriously, if I ever met any of these women I would be obligated to tell them how much I look up to them. They are so fucking funny. Their sense of humour is obviously rubbing off on tv viewers(Sam Bee caught my respect with her book, so I'm just talking about Poehler and Fey). Fey's book, Bossypants was funny. Not Samantha Bee-type piss my pants laughing, but funny. Bossypants was actually focused on feminism. The kind of feminism that hasn't been beaten to death by Hannah Arendt, just practical, real-life power, equality and REALITY.
I realize that my career path is very different from their's. But I can't help but feel proud for the strong women they represent.
I am incredibly picky about the women I look up to. A girl a few years younger than me ran for the NDP in the last election. I was pretty drunk when I was hanging out around her, but beyond admiring that she had the courage to try, I couldn't help but think of so many women with more knowledge, life experience, and passion than she had.
Perhaps the stereotypes about women are being reinforced in politics. In a recent news story, Laura Ross, the Regina-Qu'appelle Sask. Party MLA said that it would be great if there were more women but the most important thing is having MLAs that are qualified. And you know what, she is right. I hate saying it.
But the women that are more qualified than all those fucking men aren't running! I think that's the biggest problem in this province and in this country. Women don't feel like they're good enough. And in the baby boomer age of politicians, that is the trend. I think the future looks bright for women. My roomy is always talking about how awesome it is that Niki Ashton is running for NDP leadership. This seems alright to me, however I just don't know anything about her yet. Gotta do some research.
Anyways, I'm not sure what the point of that was, but I do know that what I said fully represents how I feel. Bye y'all!
I admire women comedians. Samantha Bee, Amy Poehler, and Tina Fey are my idols. They also happen to be incredibly strong women. They are amazing at what they do. I respect how far they've made it in a male-dominated profession. I respect how unbelievably modest they are. Seriously, if I ever met any of these women I would be obligated to tell them how much I look up to them. They are so fucking funny. Their sense of humour is obviously rubbing off on tv viewers(Sam Bee caught my respect with her book, so I'm just talking about Poehler and Fey). Fey's book, Bossypants was funny. Not Samantha Bee-type piss my pants laughing, but funny. Bossypants was actually focused on feminism. The kind of feminism that hasn't been beaten to death by Hannah Arendt, just practical, real-life power, equality and REALITY.
I realize that my career path is very different from their's. But I can't help but feel proud for the strong women they represent.
I am incredibly picky about the women I look up to. A girl a few years younger than me ran for the NDP in the last election. I was pretty drunk when I was hanging out around her, but beyond admiring that she had the courage to try, I couldn't help but think of so many women with more knowledge, life experience, and passion than she had.
Perhaps the stereotypes about women are being reinforced in politics. In a recent news story, Laura Ross, the Regina-Qu'appelle Sask. Party MLA said that it would be great if there were more women but the most important thing is having MLAs that are qualified. And you know what, she is right. I hate saying it.
But the women that are more qualified than all those fucking men aren't running! I think that's the biggest problem in this province and in this country. Women don't feel like they're good enough. And in the baby boomer age of politicians, that is the trend. I think the future looks bright for women. My roomy is always talking about how awesome it is that Niki Ashton is running for NDP leadership. This seems alright to me, however I just don't know anything about her yet. Gotta do some research.
Anyways, I'm not sure what the point of that was, but I do know that what I said fully represents how I feel. Bye y'all!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Weak Spots
School progresses along at a steady clip. I am never without things to do, just without interest in doing the things I should. It's hard to find motivation sometimes, especially when I know that I have more time another day to do it(although on that day I'm going to want to do it just as little as I did the day before).
I am certainly learning a lot, about interviewing, radio stories, tv stories, writing, researching, and, of course the laws which I must follow as a journalist. Most of these are through practical application, for example, last week I produced a radio story. This week with two partners I am producing a TV story. However, interviewing is a whole new thing.
Tonight I interviewed a political candidate for an assignment. We did research on our candidate and chose a topic for our interview. But no matter how much I prepared, there's no way that I could have been ready for the challenges of my first interview(it was to be in the format of a live radio interview, and to be about 7 minutes long).
I failed to do some key things that I had been told in class, but didn't think would be a problem. Ie, the political candidate's campaign manager was in the room with us. I should have told the manager that the interview was to only include myself and my interviewee, thus the manager should not speak because his voice would be in my audio. He did talk, although very occassionally. I did not feel in control of my interview though. Part of that was just about how nervous I was, but also the manager being there, and I let my candidate hold the mic when he was answering questions. I should have held onto it. By letting him hold the mic, I was surrendering some of my power, and although I'm not sure that he felt that way, I sure did.
Anyways. Interviewing people for a print assignment, or even for a tv or radio story, is just completely different from this. You need to be able to think on your toes, clearly ask a question and be able to get a clear and concise response, and in an accountability interview, you need to cover all your bases. I definitely feel that this interview was one of the hardest things I've done yet. It's so spontaneous, uncontrolled, and just crazy. Essentially, all aspects are up to you, and you need to exert complete control over the situation. This is obviously something that I need to work on.
I will not do well on this assignment. But I am learning and have room to improve. I need to be ok with that.
I am certainly learning a lot, about interviewing, radio stories, tv stories, writing, researching, and, of course the laws which I must follow as a journalist. Most of these are through practical application, for example, last week I produced a radio story. This week with two partners I am producing a TV story. However, interviewing is a whole new thing.
Tonight I interviewed a political candidate for an assignment. We did research on our candidate and chose a topic for our interview. But no matter how much I prepared, there's no way that I could have been ready for the challenges of my first interview(it was to be in the format of a live radio interview, and to be about 7 minutes long).
I failed to do some key things that I had been told in class, but didn't think would be a problem. Ie, the political candidate's campaign manager was in the room with us. I should have told the manager that the interview was to only include myself and my interviewee, thus the manager should not speak because his voice would be in my audio. He did talk, although very occassionally. I did not feel in control of my interview though. Part of that was just about how nervous I was, but also the manager being there, and I let my candidate hold the mic when he was answering questions. I should have held onto it. By letting him hold the mic, I was surrendering some of my power, and although I'm not sure that he felt that way, I sure did.
Anyways. Interviewing people for a print assignment, or even for a tv or radio story, is just completely different from this. You need to be able to think on your toes, clearly ask a question and be able to get a clear and concise response, and in an accountability interview, you need to cover all your bases. I definitely feel that this interview was one of the hardest things I've done yet. It's so spontaneous, uncontrolled, and just crazy. Essentially, all aspects are up to you, and you need to exert complete control over the situation. This is obviously something that I need to work on.
I will not do well on this assignment. But I am learning and have room to improve. I need to be ok with that.
Friday, September 30, 2011
My New Life
Things have changed SO MUCH in my life. I can't say for sure when it started. Things constantly changed, whether it was moving to the apartment in the sky, getting hired on at the Hotel, starting a relationship. I think I finally sought out my own happiness when I started dating Chris.
I am now progressing much more rapidly than ever before. I'm facing new things everyday, and the most notable is that it's not just one aspect of my life that has changed. For example, in the past I got a new job... so my workday changed. I moved, so where I lived changed. But now almost every hour of my day that isn't spent sleeping is different. I can't go visit Chris on my day off.. because I'm not really getting days off. I'm always doing schoolwork or working, or am in class.
My days revolve around school not work. It is stressful, and the most work I've ever had to do while in school. I felt on the edge yesterday and the day before. Thought I was going to go home and cry later on because of how much work this all is. But it didn't take long to realize that everything I feel "behind" on, everyone else was too. I succeeded in calming myself down, even though it took a day to lower my heart rate.
Last night after our quiz in night class, most of us 3rd years went out and had some drinks. It made for a pretty great night, and it was just what I needed.
I know I can handle this now. I am using up all the potential I've been wasting or been afraid of using all these years. I may not be the best in the class, but I am determined to succeed. Also, I love what I'm working toward. I have never actually had a final goal. Having one now makes my troubles worthwhile. Also... I can't wait to be published so all the people who were dicks to me when I was younger can go suck lemons when they see how far I've gone. I can't wait to see my name in print, or on the news, or wherever. It makes me giddy.
I am now progressing much more rapidly than ever before. I'm facing new things everyday, and the most notable is that it's not just one aspect of my life that has changed. For example, in the past I got a new job... so my workday changed. I moved, so where I lived changed. But now almost every hour of my day that isn't spent sleeping is different. I can't go visit Chris on my day off.. because I'm not really getting days off. I'm always doing schoolwork or working, or am in class.
My days revolve around school not work. It is stressful, and the most work I've ever had to do while in school. I felt on the edge yesterday and the day before. Thought I was going to go home and cry later on because of how much work this all is. But it didn't take long to realize that everything I feel "behind" on, everyone else was too. I succeeded in calming myself down, even though it took a day to lower my heart rate.
Last night after our quiz in night class, most of us 3rd years went out and had some drinks. It made for a pretty great night, and it was just what I needed.
I know I can handle this now. I am using up all the potential I've been wasting or been afraid of using all these years. I may not be the best in the class, but I am determined to succeed. Also, I love what I'm working toward. I have never actually had a final goal. Having one now makes my troubles worthwhile. Also... I can't wait to be published so all the people who were dicks to me when I was younger can go suck lemons when they see how far I've gone. I can't wait to see my name in print, or on the news, or wherever. It makes me giddy.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Jim
I've worked at Tumblers a long time. The owner's father, Jim, started up the place in the mid-80s, and then passed on the reigns to his son a few years ago. I have had many ups and downs with/because of Jim. He is essentially the daytime manager there. I'd say that he's not a bad guy in the way that if you got to know Hitler really well, you might think he's not a bad guy. Luckily Jim is in his 50s and no longer owns the business so his days of inflicting horrors on people are becoming more and more rare.
As is, he is pretty much just a quirky-as-shit old guy that makes me laugh. As a man from a different era he doesn't really understand how inappropriate some of the things he says are. They are entirely innocent, but bluntly sexual in nature, usually because of how he tries to backtrack when he realizes he's starting to say inappropriate things. Here are some examples I have encountered in my time:
"You know Chelsea, you have nice lips. That's not sexual. I mean, it could be. But that's not how I meant it!"
"You know, I mentioned this to Jen(a cook at Tumblers) already so it's not harrassment. When did you start dressing sexy? What's with that shirt you're wearing? It's like lingerie. Is that lace? It's nice, anyways."(it was a tanktop with lace trim, not underwear. And it was not at all a slutty outfit by the way)
"Don't take this wrong, but you must be doing something different. I don't know what it is but you just look really good lately."
He also just randomly took a picture of me on his phone once. I had dressed up really nice for work(like dress shirt, tie and vest) and he said he was going to show all the other waitresses how we should be dressing. A week or so later he said his wife saw the picture and said "what the heck?" because he has no other pictures whatsoever on his phone.
As is, he is pretty much just a quirky-as-shit old guy that makes me laugh. As a man from a different era he doesn't really understand how inappropriate some of the things he says are. They are entirely innocent, but bluntly sexual in nature, usually because of how he tries to backtrack when he realizes he's starting to say inappropriate things. Here are some examples I have encountered in my time:
"You know Chelsea, you have nice lips. That's not sexual. I mean, it could be. But that's not how I meant it!"
"You know, I mentioned this to Jen(a cook at Tumblers) already so it's not harrassment. When did you start dressing sexy? What's with that shirt you're wearing? It's like lingerie. Is that lace? It's nice, anyways."(it was a tanktop with lace trim, not underwear. And it was not at all a slutty outfit by the way)
"Don't take this wrong, but you must be doing something different. I don't know what it is but you just look really good lately."
He also just randomly took a picture of me on his phone once. I had dressed up really nice for work(like dress shirt, tie and vest) and he said he was going to show all the other waitresses how we should be dressing. A week or so later he said his wife saw the picture and said "what the heck?" because he has no other pictures whatsoever on his phone.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Shot Myself in the Foot
Mid-August I decided to go "part-time" at the Hotel Sask. I knew I'd have to go part-time at some point so I figured, why not do it when I have some time to just hang out before I'm back in school fulltime. I was not at all aware of the huge mistake I was making. I restricted my availability according to what I wanted for the month of August, but I did not account for my school hours at that time. So, in mid-August I talked to my manager and verbally changed my availability which we wrote down but as far as I know is "unofficial". I thought this was the right step to take. I thought that if I work 2 shifts a week, I'll be ok, and I'll pick up a few hours at Tumblers then there's nothing to worry about.
AAHHHH! Such a huge mistake. Apparently by officially restricting my availability for August(I did this because I knew that that was the only way I was actually going to get time off instead of having my wishes steamrolled by management) I nullified my seniority and became a casual instead of part-time employee. Now I'm at the bottom of a totem pole and I am so fucking upset. I worked there full-time for 10 months. That now means absolutely nothing. A guy who started 3 or 4 months ago is getting the shifts he wants and I am not. How is this ok? And yet, as a part of a union, there is nothing I can do. I should have been fully aware of what this restriction meant when I created it. But here's the thing: this guy is getting all the shifts he wants. How is he getting everything without having restricted hours as well? Is it because he's a guy and my manager seems to like him?
If I had known that I could just verbally or unofficially choose when I work, then I never would have gotten into this mess. Now that our full-time staffers are coming back from holidays, my manager said that I'll be getting only one shift on the next schedule, and the only way I'll get more is if I work room service(not serving, which is where I make all the moneys). If I only work one shift a week there, I might not be able to make it through this year without financial assistance.
How could I have worked for so long to have so much uncertainty? I'm heartbroken by this failure. I was so confident at the start of August. I saw all this money in my bank account, and somehow failed to acknowledge the $5600 of that was going towards school. Not books, not food, not rent, not fun times, not liquor, not gas, not car registration. Just to be there. Soon enough my ass will be getting kicked on a regular basis. I will be working so hard to succeed in Journalism School. I know that I can make work fit into this. But if I'm fighting to get shifts as a server I'm adding unnecessary stress. Looking at my bank account is going to become an awful ritual. What the fuck have I done? Do I seriously need another job?
AAHHHH! Such a huge mistake. Apparently by officially restricting my availability for August(I did this because I knew that that was the only way I was actually going to get time off instead of having my wishes steamrolled by management) I nullified my seniority and became a casual instead of part-time employee. Now I'm at the bottom of a totem pole and I am so fucking upset. I worked there full-time for 10 months. That now means absolutely nothing. A guy who started 3 or 4 months ago is getting the shifts he wants and I am not. How is this ok? And yet, as a part of a union, there is nothing I can do. I should have been fully aware of what this restriction meant when I created it. But here's the thing: this guy is getting all the shifts he wants. How is he getting everything without having restricted hours as well? Is it because he's a guy and my manager seems to like him?
If I had known that I could just verbally or unofficially choose when I work, then I never would have gotten into this mess. Now that our full-time staffers are coming back from holidays, my manager said that I'll be getting only one shift on the next schedule, and the only way I'll get more is if I work room service(not serving, which is where I make all the moneys). If I only work one shift a week there, I might not be able to make it through this year without financial assistance.
How could I have worked for so long to have so much uncertainty? I'm heartbroken by this failure. I was so confident at the start of August. I saw all this money in my bank account, and somehow failed to acknowledge the $5600 of that was going towards school. Not books, not food, not rent, not fun times, not liquor, not gas, not car registration. Just to be there. Soon enough my ass will be getting kicked on a regular basis. I will be working so hard to succeed in Journalism School. I know that I can make work fit into this. But if I'm fighting to get shifts as a server I'm adding unnecessary stress. Looking at my bank account is going to become an awful ritual. What the fuck have I done? Do I seriously need another job?
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tone of Voice
I don't know if I've always been like this(as in as a child) or if it just developed with time, but my tone of voice usually does not represent what I intend to convey. I sound sarcastic when I'm not being so, and when I'm making jokes people oftentimes don't get that I'm kidding. I'm happy that I am aware of this now. I haven't always been, so oftentimes people mistake me for a bitch(which, of course, I am not. I am a genuinely kind and wonderful person). Chris reminded me last night that I warned him about my tone when we first got acquainted.
I suppose that how I talk might have started out as a protective mechanism for me. I was a shy child, I was ridiculed on a regular basis. Perhaps I started talking with a natural bit of sass to try to sound fearless. Maybe in the years where I had no real friends I forgot what normal interactions were like. Who knows. All I know is that as an adult, how I speak is a hurdle that I'm getting over.
When I'm serving I don't think it's as obvious, because I put on my fake genuine smile and talk real nice. But when I meet new people, when I'm out at the bar, that's where it hits. My friends must be somewhat used to it by now.
Anyways, this quirky impediment is something that I have to live with. It's funny, I always used to be fascinated by all the options of things to say in the world. So many possibilities, yet I generally chose none of them. I'd make up grandiose speeches in my brain, I'd prove all the assholes how wrong they were about me, but I'd never actually make a peep. Fascinated by the possibilities but silenced by the fear. And now when I manage to get the words out, they so often seem to miss their mark. Wonderful.
I suppose that how I talk might have started out as a protective mechanism for me. I was a shy child, I was ridiculed on a regular basis. Perhaps I started talking with a natural bit of sass to try to sound fearless. Maybe in the years where I had no real friends I forgot what normal interactions were like. Who knows. All I know is that as an adult, how I speak is a hurdle that I'm getting over.
When I'm serving I don't think it's as obvious, because I put on my fake genuine smile and talk real nice. But when I meet new people, when I'm out at the bar, that's where it hits. My friends must be somewhat used to it by now.
Anyways, this quirky impediment is something that I have to live with. It's funny, I always used to be fascinated by all the options of things to say in the world. So many possibilities, yet I generally chose none of them. I'd make up grandiose speeches in my brain, I'd prove all the assholes how wrong they were about me, but I'd never actually make a peep. Fascinated by the possibilities but silenced by the fear. And now when I manage to get the words out, they so often seem to miss their mark. Wonderful.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Anniversary
Chris and I will have been together for about a year very soon. We aren't sure of the exact "date" of our anniversary since we weren't officially a couple until we'd visited each other a few times over the period of a month or two. But the point is, that we've definitely been together for a year this month. I have needed an excuse to go for lobster for quite some time so this anniversary is perfect.
I am very excited. I love Chris and we have so much fun together. And I love the idea of lobster. How can this not be an awesome night? We aren't the kind of couple to celebrate every little milestone so this is really our first couple-y celebration.
I wonder if we can get some free dessert for this? We give out desserts for celebrations at the Hotel.. well, not for dating, for marriage. But we can pretend?
I am very excited. I love Chris and we have so much fun together. And I love the idea of lobster. How can this not be an awesome night? We aren't the kind of couple to celebrate every little milestone so this is really our first couple-y celebration.
I wonder if we can get some free dessert for this? We give out desserts for celebrations at the Hotel.. well, not for dating, for marriage. But we can pretend?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A Good Life
I am not morbid in any way, but every once in awhile I think, if I were to die tomorrow, would that be ok? I mean to say, do I feel like I am fulfilled, do I have good memories, am I happy, am I at a good place? Of course there are things that I want to do that may not get accomplished, such as start a career, be successful, have kids, so on, so forth. But what's happened so far is amazing. Hilarious things have happened to me, I have caused hilarious things. Brent used a line from Ferris Beuller today. "I'm not gonna let some snot-nosed kid leave my cheese out in the wind", and I laughed, but couldn't remember where the quote was from. He told me that it used to be one of my favourite quotes(either at end of highschool or start of uni).
I love that other people remember things like this from our lives. It also reminds me of when I lived with Brent and Caitlin. It wasn't perfect but undeniably it was a lot of fun. We did nerdy things and have hilariously tame and eclectic memories. Me and Brent would do math at the dining room table together every night, and I'd always joke about how when I looked up I'd get distracted by the reflection of myself in the sunroom doors. Before moving in I remember joking about how Brent would use our new sunroom(when we were actually excited to have a sunroom) to learn karate. I remember being nervously excited to start school.
I've always cherished my alone time. There are lots of observations I make when I'm enjoying nature in the park, a bike ride, a car ride, winter walks(oh lord, how I loved my serene winter walks), even tonight walking to my car from Brent and Caitlin's place after a visit. I marvel in nature. I love the Earth. I love soaking in my environment.
I love new experiences. I love hanging out with people that are completely different from me, and meeting new people. The experiences I've had at parties, or in the Explore program in Montreal, those were once-in-a-lifetime. I hold dear the new and the old adventures I've had. The times I've spent with family and friends are, of course, incredibly important. I may not spend a ton of time visiting back home, but I got some mad-love for my homies.
My point here is, I can imagine a video montage of some of my favourite memories, and it's a great montage. Like when Chris and I went to Winnipeg and our hotel didn't have a hot tub, so we crammed into our room's tub and ran the shower and unplugged the tub when it would fill up too much. And guitar hero marathons of younger years. So on so forth. I have a full life. I don't think I'm missing anything except the years that are to pass, and I'm sure they'll be great too.
I love that other people remember things like this from our lives. It also reminds me of when I lived with Brent and Caitlin. It wasn't perfect but undeniably it was a lot of fun. We did nerdy things and have hilariously tame and eclectic memories. Me and Brent would do math at the dining room table together every night, and I'd always joke about how when I looked up I'd get distracted by the reflection of myself in the sunroom doors. Before moving in I remember joking about how Brent would use our new sunroom(when we were actually excited to have a sunroom) to learn karate. I remember being nervously excited to start school.
I've always cherished my alone time. There are lots of observations I make when I'm enjoying nature in the park, a bike ride, a car ride, winter walks(oh lord, how I loved my serene winter walks), even tonight walking to my car from Brent and Caitlin's place after a visit. I marvel in nature. I love the Earth. I love soaking in my environment.
I love new experiences. I love hanging out with people that are completely different from me, and meeting new people. The experiences I've had at parties, or in the Explore program in Montreal, those were once-in-a-lifetime. I hold dear the new and the old adventures I've had. The times I've spent with family and friends are, of course, incredibly important. I may not spend a ton of time visiting back home, but I got some mad-love for my homies.
My point here is, I can imagine a video montage of some of my favourite memories, and it's a great montage. Like when Chris and I went to Winnipeg and our hotel didn't have a hot tub, so we crammed into our room's tub and ran the shower and unplugged the tub when it would fill up too much. And guitar hero marathons of younger years. So on so forth. I have a full life. I don't think I'm missing anything except the years that are to pass, and I'm sure they'll be great too.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Fresh Start
I didn't do university exactly right the first time around. I didn't embrace the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends. I started off with stellar grades, but petered out and brought my GPA down because of it. This time around I plan on turning those things around. I know that I've only been away from school for 2 years, and to my friends that doesn't seem like a lot, but trust me, I can feel it.
Most of the kids I'll be in classes with will have encountered each other and had classes together. During that whole chunk of time I've been in the workforce. This is an advantage to me, career-wise, I think, because I've lived in the real world. However, in the social sense I'll be starting from scratch. I have become a lot better socially over the years, and I see a lot of potential in this but it is also a big fear for me. Meeting new people is not my strong suit. I get incredibly self-conscious. I revert to my childhood self, introverted, afraid to say anything because I'll embarrass myself. Essentially I just put the wall up. I am a terrible conversation starter, and I am even worse at becoming a part of a group.
I feel confident that I can turn things around. I did start up conversations with a few people I had classes with in the past and made a few buddies. Just takes getting over that initial fear, and you can move past that. I just don't want to look desperate, I think that's what's always been at my core. I want to look self-sufficient, like I don't need to talk to new people, I'm fine on my own. But in all honesty I am not. I want new things, new people, new interactions. Here's my chance.
Most of the kids I'll be in classes with will have encountered each other and had classes together. During that whole chunk of time I've been in the workforce. This is an advantage to me, career-wise, I think, because I've lived in the real world. However, in the social sense I'll be starting from scratch. I have become a lot better socially over the years, and I see a lot of potential in this but it is also a big fear for me. Meeting new people is not my strong suit. I get incredibly self-conscious. I revert to my childhood self, introverted, afraid to say anything because I'll embarrass myself. Essentially I just put the wall up. I am a terrible conversation starter, and I am even worse at becoming a part of a group.
I feel confident that I can turn things around. I did start up conversations with a few people I had classes with in the past and made a few buddies. Just takes getting over that initial fear, and you can move past that. I just don't want to look desperate, I think that's what's always been at my core. I want to look self-sufficient, like I don't need to talk to new people, I'm fine on my own. But in all honesty I am not. I want new things, new people, new interactions. Here's my chance.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Bikey-McBikerson
I have made a vow to try to bike for a full month. I went to visit Chris in Yorkton on Wednesday(June 8th), put $45 in my tank before I left. I do not want to have to fill up again until July 8th. I suppose that might need to get an exception since I might be driving out to Tisdale for their annual street concert, but other than that, I want to be biking wherever possible. I have only driven once in the days since Yorkton, and that was necessary for my social life.
On Friday I went for an hour and a half-long bike ride. I'm starting to really feel at home on a bike in this city, and I even own a bicycle helmet now! I may not always wear it, but I'm getting into the habit. This biking commitment will be great for me, as long as I stick to it. I already feel my legs starting to tone up. I know the pain in my upper legs is just temporary, and it's a sign that I'm getting stronger.
One more incentive is environmentally. I already have a terrible impact on the environment due to my long-distance relationship. I can at the very least try to minimize my driving to necessity. It also makes me feel more active in the enviro-hippy culture. I feel proud when I'm biking and I see other bikers. Sidenote- I think I will use STC(Sask Transportation Company) to bus to and from Chris for some of this summer. It will save me money on gas, utilize a crown corporation that is hemorrhaging money, and is better for the environment(or at least it would be if those buses ever actually filled).
Money. Biking is free, and it doesn't take that much longer than driving. I have a general rule that I will not go to Cornwall mall, or places like that in downtown, via car. I hate parking and such. Parking on a bike is WAY easier.
I also feel a sense of accomplishment for sticking to it. This morning I almost went back to sleep for 15 minutes and was gonna drive to work. But I didn't. I biked and it was great. So far so good.
On Friday I went for an hour and a half-long bike ride. I'm starting to really feel at home on a bike in this city, and I even own a bicycle helmet now! I may not always wear it, but I'm getting into the habit. This biking commitment will be great for me, as long as I stick to it. I already feel my legs starting to tone up. I know the pain in my upper legs is just temporary, and it's a sign that I'm getting stronger.
One more incentive is environmentally. I already have a terrible impact on the environment due to my long-distance relationship. I can at the very least try to minimize my driving to necessity. It also makes me feel more active in the enviro-hippy culture. I feel proud when I'm biking and I see other bikers. Sidenote- I think I will use STC(Sask Transportation Company) to bus to and from Chris for some of this summer. It will save me money on gas, utilize a crown corporation that is hemorrhaging money, and is better for the environment(or at least it would be if those buses ever actually filled).
Money. Biking is free, and it doesn't take that much longer than driving. I have a general rule that I will not go to Cornwall mall, or places like that in downtown, via car. I hate parking and such. Parking on a bike is WAY easier.
I also feel a sense of accomplishment for sticking to it. This morning I almost went back to sleep for 15 minutes and was gonna drive to work. But I didn't. I biked and it was great. So far so good.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thinking Too Much
This is a strange subject, but I was just thinking about it. I have had many misadventures in "dating" in the past. I use quotations around dating because I have only been out on dates with two guys, one of which was iffy, and the other is now my boyfriend. So experience is limited, although the stories about boys are not. Sidenote: I am in a very happy and good relationship now, I was simply thinking about dating in general and how complex it is... for some people.
Now, it took me a long time to understand, perhaps until right now, why I never had much luck with males in the past. I can list all the guys that I have had crushes on over the past 5+ years, and that list is expansive. I would usually state my crush to my close female friends(which consist of about 2), and I would pine and then nothing would happen, and I would feel silly for ever even exposing that I was interested in someone when failure was inevitable. Granted, most of those interests would have turned out terribly if actually pursued, almost guaranteed. But I was an avid over-thinker. Talking to new boys would immediately make me wonder about their romantic inclinations and I never really got into making too many new male friends, because I over-think things. I've grown up since then and have made many new male friends, and I am not so self-centered to think that new guys talking to me means that they are interested in me anymore.
But the problem I mainly ran into in finding prospective males was that I think too much. It wasn't just about attraction. It was about, are they single, what does their future hold, could I actually see myself with them. I was going way too many steps past even the first date(which, as I have mentioned, I have only had two). I never know a guy's "full deal" and was never bold enough to do the obvious: just ask. That would involve exposing my interest, which would make me vulnerable. Not my style.
The way things progressed with Chris, when we first started talking, was perfect. We met on plentyoffish, and just started talking. We would chat online and discovered how well our interests matched, we had great banter, were very open(which is my weakest point usually), and things just evolved. It was the first exciting and successful romantic interaction I ever had and it was a thrill. Getting past the crush part and moving onto the next level, it was a triumph. In the past I got to the top of that hill, or the middle of the hill, or even the base, and the energy just wasn't there for me to start rolling down the other side.
There are a few males that I see occasionally that could be found on my ex-crush list(I actually don't have a list, but could construct one if the the need arose, I'm sure). I used to wonder what would have happened in other circumstances. But the truth is, I never made it over that hill with anyone but Chris for a reason. When things could have been said or done in the past, they weren't. There wasn't enough energy. I made it over that hump with Chris, and that's for a reason. It may be a terrible analogy, but I think it makes sense(it certainly clicks in my brain).
I'm growing up, and I don't need to "think" so much anymore. It's nice.
Now, it took me a long time to understand, perhaps until right now, why I never had much luck with males in the past. I can list all the guys that I have had crushes on over the past 5+ years, and that list is expansive. I would usually state my crush to my close female friends(which consist of about 2), and I would pine and then nothing would happen, and I would feel silly for ever even exposing that I was interested in someone when failure was inevitable. Granted, most of those interests would have turned out terribly if actually pursued, almost guaranteed. But I was an avid over-thinker. Talking to new boys would immediately make me wonder about their romantic inclinations and I never really got into making too many new male friends, because I over-think things. I've grown up since then and have made many new male friends, and I am not so self-centered to think that new guys talking to me means that they are interested in me anymore.
But the problem I mainly ran into in finding prospective males was that I think too much. It wasn't just about attraction. It was about, are they single, what does their future hold, could I actually see myself with them. I was going way too many steps past even the first date(which, as I have mentioned, I have only had two). I never know a guy's "full deal" and was never bold enough to do the obvious: just ask. That would involve exposing my interest, which would make me vulnerable. Not my style.
The way things progressed with Chris, when we first started talking, was perfect. We met on plentyoffish, and just started talking. We would chat online and discovered how well our interests matched, we had great banter, were very open(which is my weakest point usually), and things just evolved. It was the first exciting and successful romantic interaction I ever had and it was a thrill. Getting past the crush part and moving onto the next level, it was a triumph. In the past I got to the top of that hill, or the middle of the hill, or even the base, and the energy just wasn't there for me to start rolling down the other side.
There are a few males that I see occasionally that could be found on my ex-crush list(I actually don't have a list, but could construct one if the the need arose, I'm sure). I used to wonder what would have happened in other circumstances. But the truth is, I never made it over that hill with anyone but Chris for a reason. When things could have been said or done in the past, they weren't. There wasn't enough energy. I made it over that hump with Chris, and that's for a reason. It may be a terrible analogy, but I think it makes sense(it certainly clicks in my brain).
I'm growing up, and I don't need to "think" so much anymore. It's nice.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Silky Smooth
My life is a cool drink of water right now. Everything is going right. So very right. Summer is afoot. The weather is great. I got back from Mexico a week ago. I am tan and I look hot as hell. I am in love. I bike all the time and biking makes me very happy and feel good about myself. I will be attending the School of Journalism at the University of Regina in the fall. I have been spending time with my friends socially and plan on doing lots of such things this summer. I started working out a few days ago and hope to continue throughout summer. I hope to get much more fit by the end of summer.
That is my list of awesome things. I think I should probably let loose more often, as summer is best served with a smattering of nights you remember as a blurry(but enjoyably indulgent) haze, but aside from that, I am content. Living a few km's from downtown hasn't been a hindrance since winter ended, and I feel much more connected to the lifeblood of the city by knowing I'm a 20-minute bike ride from most of the things I enjoy doing.
I get really upset by selfish things that I see happening in the city and in the country, but I'm also starting to come to grips with it. I get into much to heated arguments sometimes, about government, about proportional representation, about urban sprawl, etc. We do not live in a perfect democratic society and sometimes things happen that we are morally opposed to. Sometimes our tax dollars go towards those negative things. Life is not perfect. But informed citizens have an obligation to make their opinions heard and to argue for what they believe in. There is so much information in the world that if one has a strong mental grasp of issues that others do not, it is beneficial to try to inform those people.
That is why I want to become a journalist. I want to present important things to people. I want to inform. My desires are likely impossible(I would like to engage all citizens) but that is actually what I want. I have been getting far too serious lately, and not as fun. As you can tell by my rant. Hence why I need to go out more. I think about serious issues too much and it's making me less fun to be around. So this summer needs to involve some reckless endangerment.
Let the games begin!
That is my list of awesome things. I think I should probably let loose more often, as summer is best served with a smattering of nights you remember as a blurry(but enjoyably indulgent) haze, but aside from that, I am content. Living a few km's from downtown hasn't been a hindrance since winter ended, and I feel much more connected to the lifeblood of the city by knowing I'm a 20-minute bike ride from most of the things I enjoy doing.
I get really upset by selfish things that I see happening in the city and in the country, but I'm also starting to come to grips with it. I get into much to heated arguments sometimes, about government, about proportional representation, about urban sprawl, etc. We do not live in a perfect democratic society and sometimes things happen that we are morally opposed to. Sometimes our tax dollars go towards those negative things. Life is not perfect. But informed citizens have an obligation to make their opinions heard and to argue for what they believe in. There is so much information in the world that if one has a strong mental grasp of issues that others do not, it is beneficial to try to inform those people.
That is why I want to become a journalist. I want to present important things to people. I want to inform. My desires are likely impossible(I would like to engage all citizens) but that is actually what I want. I have been getting far too serious lately, and not as fun. As you can tell by my rant. Hence why I need to go out more. I think about serious issues too much and it's making me less fun to be around. So this summer needs to involve some reckless endangerment.
Let the games begin!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Great Debaters
A week ago, on Monday, I went to a candidate's forum at the Cathedral community center. All of the federal candidates in my riding showed up. Ray Boughen(Conservative), Russell Collicott(Liberal), Noah Evanchuk(NDP), and Larissa Shasko(Green Party).
The Cathedral centre is a hub for hippies and leftist individuals. This venue is not the kind that the Conservatives would be excited about. I give Boughen props for attending this debate. I recall last election, most Conservatives, if not all, seemed to hide from the public unless they were knocking on doors. Many did not attend any public forums or debates, such as the Conservative running in Wascana against Ralph Goodale. I do not know if Boughen knew what he was getting into, but he stayed the whole way through.
Although I was about 15 minutes late, the vibe was very clear. Larissa Shasko already had the audience in her pocket. Evanchuk was getting a whole bunch of lovin' too. Boughen got scoffs and jeered at right off the bat. But hey, he was the only one whose opening statements were read off of a prepared speech. Everyone else spoke openly to the crowd. Watching these candidates, and being surrounded by people who actually care about democracy, who actually have opinions, filled my heart up with happiness.
Specifically, the reaction to Larissa Shasko speaking about the importance of proportional representation was powerful. Everyone clapped and became very enthusiastic. I felt like crying, it was so great to have people who understand how important this issue is. It is pathetic that all parties don't push for PR, although it makes sense that the ones gaining from first-past-the-post wouldn't want it. People like those who attended that forum need to band together to show how important electoral reform is to Canadians.
Anyways, Ray Boughen was weak sauce. He also got nailed when one audience member noted that Boughen spoke the 9th-least out of all members of parliament. How is a man who occupies a seat but does not speak for his constituents going to represent their values in parliament? However, one audience member accused the Conservatives of not attending a (inter?)national infrastructure conference that took place in our own city. This was an angry accusation. Boughen responded with honesty, that he was in fact there, and that that audience member was mistaken. This young man was a jerk-off. You don't make statements like that without knowing the full truth.
One position that I thought was ridiculous from different candidates was their stance on tar sands development. Shasko stated that a moratorium on tar sands development was necessary immediately. That is ridiculous. Shasko is a university student, and she's in the Green Party. That makes her a dreamer, and that makes her an idealist. You cannot shut down an economic powerhouse immediately. Yes, tar sands are a dirty, dirty operation. I know this. I have talked to others about it, and have even attended a lecture explaining the process by which oil is extracted from the tar sands. It is an energy-intensive process, and it has environmental ramifications. But to shut down the tar sands, that can't JUST HAPPEN. That would have a radical economic effect. I urge for Saskatchewan to not pursue tar sands development. But I also realize that the developments that already exist will proceed, and the most important and REALISTIC(!!) way to act, is to ensure that the corporations involved in tar sands extraction are held accountable for their environmental impact, on all levels. And to continue to search for ways to extract the oil with less environmental impact. We don't live in a dream world. We want the economic benefits of oil sands developments(aka money) but we don't want the environment to get hurt. We may need to compromise our core values, but this radical stance from the Green Party is going to hurt them more than help them. And it just makes it look like they have no basis in pragmatics, just a whole bunch of beliefs that have no ground in the real world.
Anyways, the debate was great, although sometimes long winded. I learned things, and I got to see Ray Boughen grilled on things that really mattered(and I didn't at all enjoy when he was treated like crap based on a lie). THIS is democracy, and I'm happy I went.
The Cathedral centre is a hub for hippies and leftist individuals. This venue is not the kind that the Conservatives would be excited about. I give Boughen props for attending this debate. I recall last election, most Conservatives, if not all, seemed to hide from the public unless they were knocking on doors. Many did not attend any public forums or debates, such as the Conservative running in Wascana against Ralph Goodale. I do not know if Boughen knew what he was getting into, but he stayed the whole way through.
Although I was about 15 minutes late, the vibe was very clear. Larissa Shasko already had the audience in her pocket. Evanchuk was getting a whole bunch of lovin' too. Boughen got scoffs and jeered at right off the bat. But hey, he was the only one whose opening statements were read off of a prepared speech. Everyone else spoke openly to the crowd. Watching these candidates, and being surrounded by people who actually care about democracy, who actually have opinions, filled my heart up with happiness.
Specifically, the reaction to Larissa Shasko speaking about the importance of proportional representation was powerful. Everyone clapped and became very enthusiastic. I felt like crying, it was so great to have people who understand how important this issue is. It is pathetic that all parties don't push for PR, although it makes sense that the ones gaining from first-past-the-post wouldn't want it. People like those who attended that forum need to band together to show how important electoral reform is to Canadians.
Anyways, Ray Boughen was weak sauce. He also got nailed when one audience member noted that Boughen spoke the 9th-least out of all members of parliament. How is a man who occupies a seat but does not speak for his constituents going to represent their values in parliament? However, one audience member accused the Conservatives of not attending a (inter?)national infrastructure conference that took place in our own city. This was an angry accusation. Boughen responded with honesty, that he was in fact there, and that that audience member was mistaken. This young man was a jerk-off. You don't make statements like that without knowing the full truth.
One position that I thought was ridiculous from different candidates was their stance on tar sands development. Shasko stated that a moratorium on tar sands development was necessary immediately. That is ridiculous. Shasko is a university student, and she's in the Green Party. That makes her a dreamer, and that makes her an idealist. You cannot shut down an economic powerhouse immediately. Yes, tar sands are a dirty, dirty operation. I know this. I have talked to others about it, and have even attended a lecture explaining the process by which oil is extracted from the tar sands. It is an energy-intensive process, and it has environmental ramifications. But to shut down the tar sands, that can't JUST HAPPEN. That would have a radical economic effect. I urge for Saskatchewan to not pursue tar sands development. But I also realize that the developments that already exist will proceed, and the most important and REALISTIC(!!) way to act, is to ensure that the corporations involved in tar sands extraction are held accountable for their environmental impact, on all levels. And to continue to search for ways to extract the oil with less environmental impact. We don't live in a dream world. We want the economic benefits of oil sands developments(aka money) but we don't want the environment to get hurt. We may need to compromise our core values, but this radical stance from the Green Party is going to hurt them more than help them. And it just makes it look like they have no basis in pragmatics, just a whole bunch of beliefs that have no ground in the real world.
Anyways, the debate was great, although sometimes long winded. I learned things, and I got to see Ray Boughen grilled on things that really mattered(and I didn't at all enjoy when he was treated like crap based on a lie). THIS is democracy, and I'm happy I went.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Life-Affirming Night
I've been having some difficulties lately. It's been hard to look past the present, which is Hotel Saskatchewan, day in and day out. Work, work work, sleep, work and try to socialize occasionally. And watch all of Parks and Recreation in the course of two weeks. The light at the end of the tunnel was not visible.
Me and my close buddies have been planning a tropical vacation for the end of the school year since at least November. It has taken shape and lots of talk and lots of stress had gone into it. Long story short, the allotted time to book off was May 1-15 and I was told, despite weeks of pleading and effort, that I could get time off for my trip but I HAD to work on May 8(Mother's Day). Because of the limitations set out, I pretty much said I couldn't go. Hopefully that is not the end game. But because of that I've been rather down.
I've also been awaiting an e-mail telling me that I'd either moved onto the interview part of my journalism-school acceptance process. It has been stressful. I wrote the entrance exam 2 weeks ago, when I have not written an exam in over a year and a half. I was out of practice, didn't dedicate enough time to the questions worth the most marks, didn't even finish at least 3 questions, misnamed a journalist, said Fukujima instead of Fukushima, and was unsure whether these mistakes would be the end of my journey. Today I got the e-mail congratulating me, telling me I was moving onto the interview. One more step, and I will discover whether or not I will make it into the Journalism program. This is amazing. I just realized that the things that were reviewed to get me here include my grades from the past 3 years, my resume, so much of me! And the grades I had were less-than-stellar at times. Anyways, I am actually proud of myself. I overcame my fear and I am on my way to success.
Also, tonight I attended a Mother Mother concert. They are possibly my most-listened to band. I own their first two CDs and recently downloaded their new one. They are so skilled, polished, passionate, inventive, and eclectic. Truly an amazing Canadian talent. Their music has played a huge role in my life. I've been listening to them constantly for over a year and half. I remember the day I drove to my entrance exam. I blasted their new album and sang along at the top of my lungs. The song Calm Me Down, fittingly was what I listened to before I walked into the university. Tonight, I danced like crazy. It was so natural, and I was moved so much by how beautiful their music is. No one can sing like them. I really felt free tonight, to just enjoy a great band in whatever way I wanted.
To top this whole experience off, after the concert, Kyle, Alana, Caitlin and I stood around after the concert. We all bought some merchandise and I wanted to go up to the lead singer, who was standing by the bar, and just "pound it" with him. A pound of appreciation for his music. I am, however, a pansy so I stayed standing for a few minutes. Finally we meandered closer to Ryan, and one of the girls in the band started chatting with us. We then chatted with the drummer and eventually got pictures with the band. It was awesome. I've never talked to a band after a concert but these guys were so great.
So yeah, I had one of those days. Where everything falls into place. Where life is what you want it to be and the future is in sight, and the future is stellar. Too bad my boyfriend is in Yorkton right now. It would be nice to share this with him.
Me and my close buddies have been planning a tropical vacation for the end of the school year since at least November. It has taken shape and lots of talk and lots of stress had gone into it. Long story short, the allotted time to book off was May 1-15 and I was told, despite weeks of pleading and effort, that I could get time off for my trip but I HAD to work on May 8(Mother's Day). Because of the limitations set out, I pretty much said I couldn't go. Hopefully that is not the end game. But because of that I've been rather down.
I've also been awaiting an e-mail telling me that I'd either moved onto the interview part of my journalism-school acceptance process. It has been stressful. I wrote the entrance exam 2 weeks ago, when I have not written an exam in over a year and a half. I was out of practice, didn't dedicate enough time to the questions worth the most marks, didn't even finish at least 3 questions, misnamed a journalist, said Fukujima instead of Fukushima, and was unsure whether these mistakes would be the end of my journey. Today I got the e-mail congratulating me, telling me I was moving onto the interview. One more step, and I will discover whether or not I will make it into the Journalism program. This is amazing. I just realized that the things that were reviewed to get me here include my grades from the past 3 years, my resume, so much of me! And the grades I had were less-than-stellar at times. Anyways, I am actually proud of myself. I overcame my fear and I am on my way to success.
Also, tonight I attended a Mother Mother concert. They are possibly my most-listened to band. I own their first two CDs and recently downloaded their new one. They are so skilled, polished, passionate, inventive, and eclectic. Truly an amazing Canadian talent. Their music has played a huge role in my life. I've been listening to them constantly for over a year and half. I remember the day I drove to my entrance exam. I blasted their new album and sang along at the top of my lungs. The song Calm Me Down, fittingly was what I listened to before I walked into the university. Tonight, I danced like crazy. It was so natural, and I was moved so much by how beautiful their music is. No one can sing like them. I really felt free tonight, to just enjoy a great band in whatever way I wanted.
To top this whole experience off, after the concert, Kyle, Alana, Caitlin and I stood around after the concert. We all bought some merchandise and I wanted to go up to the lead singer, who was standing by the bar, and just "pound it" with him. A pound of appreciation for his music. I am, however, a pansy so I stayed standing for a few minutes. Finally we meandered closer to Ryan, and one of the girls in the band started chatting with us. We then chatted with the drummer and eventually got pictures with the band. It was awesome. I've never talked to a band after a concert but these guys were so great.
So yeah, I had one of those days. Where everything falls into place. Where life is what you want it to be and the future is in sight, and the future is stellar. Too bad my boyfriend is in Yorkton right now. It would be nice to share this with him.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
On Relationships
As my 2 Twitter followers will know, I watched All the Real Girls tonight. I would even put myself out on a limb here and put this film on my top 10 all-time favourite list. I watched part of it years ago while at my dad's but started in too late to understand what was going on. Years later I was imdb'ing Zooey Deschanel because I think she is an amazing actress. I came across the film All The Real Girls, and recalled that it looked good, so I "purchased" it "legally" at a "video store".
This movie blows my mind. It is sad and happy and touching and captures so much in such a simple way. One thing that it really manages to embrace is small-town living and its many layers. It's not some "I left for the big city and now I'm back" film. These people have lived here forever and will not be leaving. The mid-20s guys in this movie have a great dynamic as friends and the blossoming relationship between Deschanel and Paul Schneider is so real.
Last time I watched this flick I was single, and now I'm balls-deep in a serious relationship. It made me feel a bit different this time around. Seeing how adorable the couple is together reminds me of Chris and I. Probably most couples have that. Those little things that only you share. Those memories of how they made you fall for them with their cute little nuances that make you smile. That special way that you feel when you're together doing something silly, or cuddling. It's really nice, and natural in this movie. Spoiler alert. Things take a harsh turn later on(which makes me cry like a baby) and it's even more sad now that I know the feeling of having something special.
Part of me is scared for that day(in real life) where I feel the way I do during the sad part of this movie. I am very close to people who haven't taken/don't take a commitment to one person seriously. That just makes me realize how fragile honesty and trust is. How easy it is to shatter someone with a reckless decision. How important recovery from something like that is.
One question this movie raises is how long can someone hold onto that, and is holding onto betrayal just as toxic as the act itself? Does a mistake really eliminate every good thing that ever happened before that? Without question though, breaking someone's trust is a bigger deal than people make it out to be nowadays. And isn't it fascinating how those who feel it the most seem to end up doomed to repeat it.
This movie blows my mind. It is sad and happy and touching and captures so much in such a simple way. One thing that it really manages to embrace is small-town living and its many layers. It's not some "I left for the big city and now I'm back" film. These people have lived here forever and will not be leaving. The mid-20s guys in this movie have a great dynamic as friends and the blossoming relationship between Deschanel and Paul Schneider is so real.
Last time I watched this flick I was single, and now I'm balls-deep in a serious relationship. It made me feel a bit different this time around. Seeing how adorable the couple is together reminds me of Chris and I. Probably most couples have that. Those little things that only you share. Those memories of how they made you fall for them with their cute little nuances that make you smile. That special way that you feel when you're together doing something silly, or cuddling. It's really nice, and natural in this movie. Spoiler alert. Things take a harsh turn later on(which makes me cry like a baby) and it's even more sad now that I know the feeling of having something special.
Part of me is scared for that day(in real life) where I feel the way I do during the sad part of this movie. I am very close to people who haven't taken/don't take a commitment to one person seriously. That just makes me realize how fragile honesty and trust is. How easy it is to shatter someone with a reckless decision. How important recovery from something like that is.
One question this movie raises is how long can someone hold onto that, and is holding onto betrayal just as toxic as the act itself? Does a mistake really eliminate every good thing that ever happened before that? Without question though, breaking someone's trust is a bigger deal than people make it out to be nowadays. And isn't it fascinating how those who feel it the most seem to end up doomed to repeat it.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Happiness
I think work makes people unhappy. If at the end of the day you can say it is fulfilling, then it is worth it. I work to make money. I enjoy serving a decent amount but it does not fulfill me. I do not like workplace politics and I do not enjoy the greed and selfish behavior I have encountered since I started serving at the Hotel.
Tumblers, as it presently stands, makes me feel fulfilled. I know that when I am there I am helping the business out. I dedicate my time to leaving the place better than when I got there. I can be comfortable and bitchy and whatever I want to be there, specifically with my customers. I am not under a microscope. And ever since I went part-time I get treated with the respect I never got when I was full-time. I attribute that to me being an honest, hard worker and them realizing how few and far between those are. I originally intended to quit there when I got the job at Hotel Saskatchewan, but things have gone so well in the 4 months since I started there that I couldn't imagine quitting at Tumblers. Mind you, if I was there more than one day a week or so, I would be singing a different tune.
Anyways, many of the servers at the Hotel are in their 50s. They have been there for 30 years or more. They are INSANE. We only have enough cutlery to make it through a breakfast sitting before the cutlery must be washed and polished(the servers do the polishing). Because these women want to do as little work as possible and I imagine feel entitled to it, they HIDE polished cutlery in a variety of different credenzas and other locations in the dining room so that they have a stash of cutlery that is already polished. They also feel that if they brought items out to the credenza from the back, such as saucers or teacups, or even Radisson pens, that these items are theirs, yes, these items that belong to the Hotel Saskatchewan Radisson Plaza belong to them! No one else can use them. Never mind that there are limited quantities of these things, and when I bring stuff out they feel more than welcome to use them.
Another problem I encounter is that we have different sections that we serve. So regularly, these women will herd new tables to their section whenever the host is either not there or away from their station so that they will make more tips than me. The women also never smile. They are always in a rush, one of them always has a "deer in headlights" look on her face when I work with her and leaves our shared station (although if you asked I'm sure she'd say it's 'hers', because these women are nut jobs) in a completely unacceptable mess everytime she touches it. This is fine dining, and all the daytime servers in the dining room are so precoccupied with money, seniority and a sense of superiority that the customer is more of a casualty than a priority.
There are certain times where I enjoy working at the Hotel Sask. For example, when I work supper shifts. My usual coworker, Dora, has been at the hotel for I think over 30 years. She is very particular and testy at times. But she CARES about the customer. She can talk to anyone, she has an adorable Greek accent and gives good service. I enjoy when I work in the lounge instead of the dining room as well. The general attitude is less formal, there is a team atmosphere instead of an "every man for himself" attitude. And no one hides anything! (oh yeah, we also set tables differently in the dining room from breakfast to lunch. The ladies will start setting for lunch by 8:30am so that they use all the easily-accessible wine/water glasses before you do. Before they set, they will hide said items in adjacent unused rooms so you can't use them).
I guess what I'm saying is that overall I am unhappy with my present full-time job. Serving will always involve bullshit politics, whether it's because your boss prefers some girls over others, or, like me, you work with crazy women in the mid-50s/60s. It comes with some great perks(union job, which means health coverage, a raise every 3 months, free training in things that will benefit me beyond this job), but it wears at me. I'll give it some time and see if the pros outweigh the cons. Everyone there treats me like I'll be there for a long time, but at the very least, I will become part-time in fall. And at the most, I will no longer be living in Regina and thus will quit there. Why does work have to be so difficult?
Tumblers, as it presently stands, makes me feel fulfilled. I know that when I am there I am helping the business out. I dedicate my time to leaving the place better than when I got there. I can be comfortable and bitchy and whatever I want to be there, specifically with my customers. I am not under a microscope. And ever since I went part-time I get treated with the respect I never got when I was full-time. I attribute that to me being an honest, hard worker and them realizing how few and far between those are. I originally intended to quit there when I got the job at Hotel Saskatchewan, but things have gone so well in the 4 months since I started there that I couldn't imagine quitting at Tumblers. Mind you, if I was there more than one day a week or so, I would be singing a different tune.
Anyways, many of the servers at the Hotel are in their 50s. They have been there for 30 years or more. They are INSANE. We only have enough cutlery to make it through a breakfast sitting before the cutlery must be washed and polished(the servers do the polishing). Because these women want to do as little work as possible and I imagine feel entitled to it, they HIDE polished cutlery in a variety of different credenzas and other locations in the dining room so that they have a stash of cutlery that is already polished. They also feel that if they brought items out to the credenza from the back, such as saucers or teacups, or even Radisson pens, that these items are theirs, yes, these items that belong to the Hotel Saskatchewan Radisson Plaza belong to them! No one else can use them. Never mind that there are limited quantities of these things, and when I bring stuff out they feel more than welcome to use them.
Another problem I encounter is that we have different sections that we serve. So regularly, these women will herd new tables to their section whenever the host is either not there or away from their station so that they will make more tips than me. The women also never smile. They are always in a rush, one of them always has a "deer in headlights" look on her face when I work with her and leaves our shared station (although if you asked I'm sure she'd say it's 'hers', because these women are nut jobs) in a completely unacceptable mess everytime she touches it. This is fine dining, and all the daytime servers in the dining room are so precoccupied with money, seniority and a sense of superiority that the customer is more of a casualty than a priority.
There are certain times where I enjoy working at the Hotel Sask. For example, when I work supper shifts. My usual coworker, Dora, has been at the hotel for I think over 30 years. She is very particular and testy at times. But she CARES about the customer. She can talk to anyone, she has an adorable Greek accent and gives good service. I enjoy when I work in the lounge instead of the dining room as well. The general attitude is less formal, there is a team atmosphere instead of an "every man for himself" attitude. And no one hides anything! (oh yeah, we also set tables differently in the dining room from breakfast to lunch. The ladies will start setting for lunch by 8:30am so that they use all the easily-accessible wine/water glasses before you do. Before they set, they will hide said items in adjacent unused rooms so you can't use them).
I guess what I'm saying is that overall I am unhappy with my present full-time job. Serving will always involve bullshit politics, whether it's because your boss prefers some girls over others, or, like me, you work with crazy women in the mid-50s/60s. It comes with some great perks(union job, which means health coverage, a raise every 3 months, free training in things that will benefit me beyond this job), but it wears at me. I'll give it some time and see if the pros outweigh the cons. Everyone there treats me like I'll be there for a long time, but at the very least, I will become part-time in fall. And at the most, I will no longer be living in Regina and thus will quit there. Why does work have to be so difficult?
Monday, February 21, 2011
Cat Love
Alana's bloggy blog
Those were our foster cats. We took care of Sunshine for about 5 months and Onyx for 4. They were a part of our household. Although we had one foster cat before them, Jasmin was only with us for less than a month.
As a child, my parents insisted that we not get pets. It made me incredibly sad and I never understood why. Today, those feelings are only heightened. Having a pet(or pets) as a child would have been wonderful for me, and for my brothers. So of course, I was excited when Alana proposed fostering cats(all the fun, only part of the responsibility!). Once we got Kyle on board with promises of keeping the house clean and always cleaning up after the cat(which we never really kept to a full extent, but we did improve), we started fostering. It was great. Having pets is everything I dreamed it to be, one of those rare experiences in life that lives up to and exceeds all expectations. I love having a cute cat cuddling up to me just wanting some petting and attention.
After some effort, with Alana attending an "open house" of sorts for cat adoption under the organization People for Animals, we achieved success in getting Onyx adopted on the spot. And two days ago, even Sunshine, our timid little Sunshine, got adopted. This was a great success, mainly due to Alana's campaigning on their behalf. Two black cats getting adopted instead of getting passed on to another foster home or under the People for Animals' roof is a major accomplishment. I am so happy that Fatty and Kitty got adopted and now have forever homes. And so close to us moving. It really is great.
I am sad that they are gone. I miss cuddling with kitties. Being in a long-distance relationship, it is a nice way to show affection for something during away-times(Alana didn't like it very much when I started petting her). I accept that the situation is the best way for things to have gone. The main thing that I feel sad about is that there are other cats out there, cold and mistreated, or both. We did a good thing by being interim caretakers for those cats. But there are more cats out there that need a warm home. And I can no longer provide that. I can't keep a cat in my new place.
So yeah, to those of you out there who can, please foster or adopt animals in need. Because I cannot.
Those were our foster cats. We took care of Sunshine for about 5 months and Onyx for 4. They were a part of our household. Although we had one foster cat before them, Jasmin was only with us for less than a month.
As a child, my parents insisted that we not get pets. It made me incredibly sad and I never understood why. Today, those feelings are only heightened. Having a pet(or pets) as a child would have been wonderful for me, and for my brothers. So of course, I was excited when Alana proposed fostering cats(all the fun, only part of the responsibility!). Once we got Kyle on board with promises of keeping the house clean and always cleaning up after the cat(which we never really kept to a full extent, but we did improve), we started fostering. It was great. Having pets is everything I dreamed it to be, one of those rare experiences in life that lives up to and exceeds all expectations. I love having a cute cat cuddling up to me just wanting some petting and attention.
After some effort, with Alana attending an "open house" of sorts for cat adoption under the organization People for Animals, we achieved success in getting Onyx adopted on the spot. And two days ago, even Sunshine, our timid little Sunshine, got adopted. This was a great success, mainly due to Alana's campaigning on their behalf. Two black cats getting adopted instead of getting passed on to another foster home or under the People for Animals' roof is a major accomplishment. I am so happy that Fatty and Kitty got adopted and now have forever homes. And so close to us moving. It really is great.
I am sad that they are gone. I miss cuddling with kitties. Being in a long-distance relationship, it is a nice way to show affection for something during away-times(Alana didn't like it very much when I started petting her). I accept that the situation is the best way for things to have gone. The main thing that I feel sad about is that there are other cats out there, cold and mistreated, or both. We did a good thing by being interim caretakers for those cats. But there are more cats out there that need a warm home. And I can no longer provide that. I can't keep a cat in my new place.
So yeah, to those of you out there who can, please foster or adopt animals in need. Because I cannot.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Success
I'm a grown-up now. I've been one for quite some time but I'm finally owning it. I can feel it everyday, when I walk to work, when I choose to drive out to the mall because there is something I really need in my car(that I chose to buy, went through the loan process and paid off within 10 months). When I applied for my Passport. When I overcame a giant mental block and applied for Journalism School. When I was searching for a new place to live and called apartments and looked at places and did all these things.
People get so whiny all the time about being an adult. Oh bills, oh school is so hard, everything is so much more difficult than it used to be. These choices are beautiful. I came across a lot of things in my life by chance. And some of the best things were just random decisions I made. But these thing are mine, and they have made me into the person I am.
One thing that makes me really happy is where I live. It's a kind of life that I never imagined I could live when I lived with Caitlin and Brent, or in Gladmyr Park. I can just walk around after work. Just walk around downtown and walk here and walk there, and no car necessary, ever. And in spring and summer I could bike here or walk there, whatever I want. It is the kind of life I lived when I was in Montreal, and thought was such an amazing thing. I thought nothing could compare. Perhaps Regina is not as culturally diverse, as French, as socially vibrant. But people can live in a similar fashion in this city. I do have a car, and I use it much more often than I really want to, but I have been advancing on that front with some hard work.
People in Regina are dead-set on the idea of driving everywhere, of living in their certain way and are tied into that mindset. It is frustrating and it pulls me down. I cannot wait for spring, when I can really bike everywhere with no excuses. I am moving away from downtown at the end of February. It will be a test for me. It is a lot easier when you're in the middle of the action to not drive on a regular basis.
Being an adult gives me this choice. I have been changing for the better. It makes me happy. As does buying chocolate milk whenever I want(not too often or else you won't savour it, this is a lesson adult Chelsea had to learn on her own). I am content.
People get so whiny all the time about being an adult. Oh bills, oh school is so hard, everything is so much more difficult than it used to be. These choices are beautiful. I came across a lot of things in my life by chance. And some of the best things were just random decisions I made. But these thing are mine, and they have made me into the person I am.
One thing that makes me really happy is where I live. It's a kind of life that I never imagined I could live when I lived with Caitlin and Brent, or in Gladmyr Park. I can just walk around after work. Just walk around downtown and walk here and walk there, and no car necessary, ever. And in spring and summer I could bike here or walk there, whatever I want. It is the kind of life I lived when I was in Montreal, and thought was such an amazing thing. I thought nothing could compare. Perhaps Regina is not as culturally diverse, as French, as socially vibrant. But people can live in a similar fashion in this city. I do have a car, and I use it much more often than I really want to, but I have been advancing on that front with some hard work.
People in Regina are dead-set on the idea of driving everywhere, of living in their certain way and are tied into that mindset. It is frustrating and it pulls me down. I cannot wait for spring, when I can really bike everywhere with no excuses. I am moving away from downtown at the end of February. It will be a test for me. It is a lot easier when you're in the middle of the action to not drive on a regular basis.
Being an adult gives me this choice. I have been changing for the better. It makes me happy. As does buying chocolate milk whenever I want(not too often or else you won't savour it, this is a lesson adult Chelsea had to learn on her own). I am content.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I Made It
I have been so scared of moving forward for a long time. I have a giant, irrational fear of rejection, or that I will destroy opportunities that I get. Perhaps also a fear that I won't fit in. Sometimes I think I grew up just fine and I've gotten past my social problems. I'm not. They will always be there. My brain works differently from other people's, and sometimes, maybe not all the time, it shows. I'm over-analytical. My jokes are just a little different from other people's. I think I'm more scared of people, of a change of atmosphere from that which I am accustomed, of having to meet new people, than I am of actually succeeding.
I feel like people don't have enough time to add me into their lives. I don't go simple step-by-step when I meet people. I jump to the thought of "where would I fit in?", "I'm not good enough", and one of my biggest thing is I AM NOT GOOD AT SMALL TALK. It takes me a long time to really bond with others. I know that once someone really gets me, I'm in. Stuck like glue. People get attached to me. It's not an instant magnetism, that's for sure, but I do have a strange lasting effect.
I am so sure that people won't get me, or won't like me, that I put up a facade. It is not intentional. It is a protective instinct. Probably conceived when I was picked on a lot in my younger years. I look like a snob, a bitch. Stand-offish. It is because I don't know how to strike up a conversation. I honestly have this total mental block when it comes to simple introductions. Sitting here, I can think of so many things that could start people talking. Where do you work, are you in school, etc etc. People fucking love talking about themselves. I fucking love talking about myself, why wouldn't they? Just ask them anything! But in the moment, I freeze. It's sad and it is something I need to overcome. I immediately assume the worst, imagine the worst possible thing happening and it ruins all chance.
I have had really good times. In certain situations I am doing really well. I think it may be because it's the middle of winter, a sad time, that I'm dwelling and failing at this.
I started this blog wanting to toot my own horn but ended up with this terribly scathing review of one of my biggest flaws. That's too bad. I overcame a huge mental struggle today. But that blog will wait. Or maybe it'll never happen. I'm a very bizarre person. I build things up in my head. I should do more drugs or something. Maybe talk to someone who understands people's brains. Meh, whatever. I'm sure this feeling will pass and I'll manage to connect with normal people all the time. I'm only 22, there's a whole lifetime of change ahead. Ps, this blog explains why I've been questioning if I should be a server anymore. I am very emotionally-driven and it's hard for me to hide those feelings all the time. This blog sucks. Thanks for reading.
I feel like people don't have enough time to add me into their lives. I don't go simple step-by-step when I meet people. I jump to the thought of "where would I fit in?", "I'm not good enough", and one of my biggest thing is I AM NOT GOOD AT SMALL TALK. It takes me a long time to really bond with others. I know that once someone really gets me, I'm in. Stuck like glue. People get attached to me. It's not an instant magnetism, that's for sure, but I do have a strange lasting effect.
I am so sure that people won't get me, or won't like me, that I put up a facade. It is not intentional. It is a protective instinct. Probably conceived when I was picked on a lot in my younger years. I look like a snob, a bitch. Stand-offish. It is because I don't know how to strike up a conversation. I honestly have this total mental block when it comes to simple introductions. Sitting here, I can think of so many things that could start people talking. Where do you work, are you in school, etc etc. People fucking love talking about themselves. I fucking love talking about myself, why wouldn't they? Just ask them anything! But in the moment, I freeze. It's sad and it is something I need to overcome. I immediately assume the worst, imagine the worst possible thing happening and it ruins all chance.
I have had really good times. In certain situations I am doing really well. I think it may be because it's the middle of winter, a sad time, that I'm dwelling and failing at this.
I started this blog wanting to toot my own horn but ended up with this terribly scathing review of one of my biggest flaws. That's too bad. I overcame a huge mental struggle today. But that blog will wait. Or maybe it'll never happen. I'm a very bizarre person. I build things up in my head. I should do more drugs or something. Maybe talk to someone who understands people's brains. Meh, whatever. I'm sure this feeling will pass and I'll manage to connect with normal people all the time. I'm only 22, there's a whole lifetime of change ahead. Ps, this blog explains why I've been questioning if I should be a server anymore. I am very emotionally-driven and it's hard for me to hide those feelings all the time. This blog sucks. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sitting on Top of A Mountain
Holy crap I love that song. Harkens me back to summer. The lyrics are sooo good and it's awesome that something with substance managed to be popular. That is not actually the point of the blog but I'm listening to that song again because I still haven't gotten enough of it although I heard it almost every day during summer.
The reason for this blog is because the times they are a'changing. And I have heard that song. Pretty much, a new chapter in my life is preparing to unfold in front of my eyes. My application for j-school will be handed in in a few days. I will be moving at the end of February. Do I love that we are in a high rise? Yes I certainly do, but it's also easy to forget to look out the window and realize how nice things look outside our 10th floor when all these other things piss us off. And the view isn't worth it. The costs outweigh the benefits.
A) apartment lady is a beeotch
B) we're already paying A LOT for our place, and rent will be up if we resigned a lease, plus we'd have to pay "pet rent". Bullshit! pet rent? f off, we paid a deposit, pet rent is reduntant and a money grab. Plus I pay 70 a month for my parking spot(the joys of downtown livin'
C)My bedroom is more like an office. Separating my bedroom from the living room is a wall, with a closet door in the middle. The closet door would allow an office to be opened and give access to the living room. Needless to say, I DO NOT want a closet door giving access to my bedroom. To make this feel more like a bedroom, we blocked the closet door shut with some giant foam insulation-type things, and covered that with a curtain. That still doesn't eliminate noise from the living room from blasting straight into my room. It f'ing sucks.
D) My room is in between the living room(with little sound protection, as mentioned) and Kylana's room. As you can guess, this leave little privacy for all three of us. My cry-sturbating requires me to stifle my tears and sobs with a pillow! Geez.
I'm stressed out already, have been for half a month. I started doing a decent clean today and will be cleaning throughout the month and trying to organize the clutter we've allowed to build up over the past year. Right before the move Chris and I are going on a trip to Winnipeg(our first trip together, it's been over 2 months in the making!). So I will need to get my shit in order before then.
It is presently my belief that Alana and Kyle will be moving into a condo that a friend of their's will be buying, as he'll have a spare room and will need some extra money after the move. So I will be branching out on my own(which will be the first time I've ever been full-on solo). I'm not sure if I want to live on my own, which will be more expensive, or find people looking for roommates. The search will be on in a big way at the start of Feb, since most people haven't given their month's notice at their present places yet.
This is an exciting new endeavor for me, to have some more independence and to experience the city toute-seule. But it also comes at a time when there are a lot of things happening in my life. Luckily moving out on my own means I won't have as much stuff to haul, since Kylana's excessive amount of belongings take up most of the apartment.
In summation, next month will be a big one for me. It'll involve looking at new apartments, cleaning, organizing, my big trip with Chris, getting anxious about whether I'll get accepted into j-school, and of course, work. I look forward, but with a few fingers over my eyes for me to peak through.
The reason for this blog is because the times they are a'changing. And I have heard that song. Pretty much, a new chapter in my life is preparing to unfold in front of my eyes. My application for j-school will be handed in in a few days. I will be moving at the end of February. Do I love that we are in a high rise? Yes I certainly do, but it's also easy to forget to look out the window and realize how nice things look outside our 10th floor when all these other things piss us off. And the view isn't worth it. The costs outweigh the benefits.
A) apartment lady is a beeotch
B) we're already paying A LOT for our place, and rent will be up if we resigned a lease, plus we'd have to pay "pet rent". Bullshit! pet rent? f off, we paid a deposit, pet rent is reduntant and a money grab. Plus I pay 70 a month for my parking spot(the joys of downtown livin'
C)My bedroom is more like an office. Separating my bedroom from the living room is a wall, with a closet door in the middle. The closet door would allow an office to be opened and give access to the living room. Needless to say, I DO NOT want a closet door giving access to my bedroom. To make this feel more like a bedroom, we blocked the closet door shut with some giant foam insulation-type things, and covered that with a curtain. That still doesn't eliminate noise from the living room from blasting straight into my room. It f'ing sucks.
D) My room is in between the living room(with little sound protection, as mentioned) and Kylana's room. As you can guess, this leave little privacy for all three of us. My cry-sturbating requires me to stifle my tears and sobs with a pillow! Geez.
I'm stressed out already, have been for half a month. I started doing a decent clean today and will be cleaning throughout the month and trying to organize the clutter we've allowed to build up over the past year. Right before the move Chris and I are going on a trip to Winnipeg(our first trip together, it's been over 2 months in the making!). So I will need to get my shit in order before then.
It is presently my belief that Alana and Kyle will be moving into a condo that a friend of their's will be buying, as he'll have a spare room and will need some extra money after the move. So I will be branching out on my own(which will be the first time I've ever been full-on solo). I'm not sure if I want to live on my own, which will be more expensive, or find people looking for roommates. The search will be on in a big way at the start of Feb, since most people haven't given their month's notice at their present places yet.
This is an exciting new endeavor for me, to have some more independence and to experience the city toute-seule. But it also comes at a time when there are a lot of things happening in my life. Luckily moving out on my own means I won't have as much stuff to haul, since Kylana's excessive amount of belongings take up most of the apartment.
In summation, next month will be a big one for me. It'll involve looking at new apartments, cleaning, organizing, my big trip with Chris, getting anxious about whether I'll get accepted into j-school, and of course, work. I look forward, but with a few fingers over my eyes for me to peak through.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Inside Outside Feelings
I had a very short-lived flu over the weekend and for one reason or another I have been a mild emotional wreck during and since then. I'm past the times of questioning my future, or mourning my loneliness, which were my old faithfuls. So apparently now my masochistic mind has begun to go deeper, and into a more sordid territory. It's doing a rather thorough character attack at some of my most sensitive areas.
I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!
I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.
Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.
One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.
And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.
I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!
I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.
Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.
One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.
And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Something Different
Yes, I made New Year's Resolutions. They are things that I am very likely to keep. Instead of doing a blog post about that, I've decided to make a different kind of post:
THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010
- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.
- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.
- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.
- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.
- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.
- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.
- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.
- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.
- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.
- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.
- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.
So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following
THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010
- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.
- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.
- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.
- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.
- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.
- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.
- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.
- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.
- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.
- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.
- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.
So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following
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