Inside Outside Feelings

I had a very short-lived flu over the weekend and for one reason or another I have been a mild emotional wreck during and since then. I'm past the times of questioning my future, or mourning my loneliness, which were my old faithfuls. So apparently now my masochistic mind has begun to go deeper, and into a more sordid territory. It's doing a rather thorough character attack at some of my most sensitive areas.

I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!

I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.

Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.

One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.

And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.