I have been so scared of moving forward for a long time. I have a giant, irrational fear of rejection, or that I will destroy opportunities that I get. Perhaps also a fear that I won't fit in. Sometimes I think I grew up just fine and I've gotten past my social problems. I'm not. They will always be there. My brain works differently from other people's, and sometimes, maybe not all the time, it shows. I'm over-analytical. My jokes are just a little different from other people's. I think I'm more scared of people, of a change of atmosphere from that which I am accustomed, of having to meet new people, than I am of actually succeeding.
I feel like people don't have enough time to add me into their lives. I don't go simple step-by-step when I meet people. I jump to the thought of "where would I fit in?", "I'm not good enough", and one of my biggest thing is I AM NOT GOOD AT SMALL TALK. It takes me a long time to really bond with others. I know that once someone really gets me, I'm in. Stuck like glue. People get attached to me. It's not an instant magnetism, that's for sure, but I do have a strange lasting effect.
I am so sure that people won't get me, or won't like me, that I put up a facade. It is not intentional. It is a protective instinct. Probably conceived when I was picked on a lot in my younger years. I look like a snob, a bitch. Stand-offish. It is because I don't know how to strike up a conversation. I honestly have this total mental block when it comes to simple introductions. Sitting here, I can think of so many things that could start people talking. Where do you work, are you in school, etc etc. People fucking love talking about themselves. I fucking love talking about myself, why wouldn't they? Just ask them anything! But in the moment, I freeze. It's sad and it is something I need to overcome. I immediately assume the worst, imagine the worst possible thing happening and it ruins all chance.
I have had really good times. In certain situations I am doing really well. I think it may be because it's the middle of winter, a sad time, that I'm dwelling and failing at this.
I started this blog wanting to toot my own horn but ended up with this terribly scathing review of one of my biggest flaws. That's too bad. I overcame a huge mental struggle today. But that blog will wait. Or maybe it'll never happen. I'm a very bizarre person. I build things up in my head. I should do more drugs or something. Maybe talk to someone who understands people's brains. Meh, whatever. I'm sure this feeling will pass and I'll manage to connect with normal people all the time. I'm only 22, there's a whole lifetime of change ahead. Ps, this blog explains why I've been questioning if I should be a server anymore. I am very emotionally-driven and it's hard for me to hide those feelings all the time. This blog sucks. Thanks for reading.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sitting on Top of A Mountain
Holy crap I love that song. Harkens me back to summer. The lyrics are sooo good and it's awesome that something with substance managed to be popular. That is not actually the point of the blog but I'm listening to that song again because I still haven't gotten enough of it although I heard it almost every day during summer.
The reason for this blog is because the times they are a'changing. And I have heard that song. Pretty much, a new chapter in my life is preparing to unfold in front of my eyes. My application for j-school will be handed in in a few days. I will be moving at the end of February. Do I love that we are in a high rise? Yes I certainly do, but it's also easy to forget to look out the window and realize how nice things look outside our 10th floor when all these other things piss us off. And the view isn't worth it. The costs outweigh the benefits.
A) apartment lady is a beeotch
B) we're already paying A LOT for our place, and rent will be up if we resigned a lease, plus we'd have to pay "pet rent". Bullshit! pet rent? f off, we paid a deposit, pet rent is reduntant and a money grab. Plus I pay 70 a month for my parking spot(the joys of downtown livin'
C)My bedroom is more like an office. Separating my bedroom from the living room is a wall, with a closet door in the middle. The closet door would allow an office to be opened and give access to the living room. Needless to say, I DO NOT want a closet door giving access to my bedroom. To make this feel more like a bedroom, we blocked the closet door shut with some giant foam insulation-type things, and covered that with a curtain. That still doesn't eliminate noise from the living room from blasting straight into my room. It f'ing sucks.
D) My room is in between the living room(with little sound protection, as mentioned) and Kylana's room. As you can guess, this leave little privacy for all three of us. My cry-sturbating requires me to stifle my tears and sobs with a pillow! Geez.
I'm stressed out already, have been for half a month. I started doing a decent clean today and will be cleaning throughout the month and trying to organize the clutter we've allowed to build up over the past year. Right before the move Chris and I are going on a trip to Winnipeg(our first trip together, it's been over 2 months in the making!). So I will need to get my shit in order before then.
It is presently my belief that Alana and Kyle will be moving into a condo that a friend of their's will be buying, as he'll have a spare room and will need some extra money after the move. So I will be branching out on my own(which will be the first time I've ever been full-on solo). I'm not sure if I want to live on my own, which will be more expensive, or find people looking for roommates. The search will be on in a big way at the start of Feb, since most people haven't given their month's notice at their present places yet.
This is an exciting new endeavor for me, to have some more independence and to experience the city toute-seule. But it also comes at a time when there are a lot of things happening in my life. Luckily moving out on my own means I won't have as much stuff to haul, since Kylana's excessive amount of belongings take up most of the apartment.
In summation, next month will be a big one for me. It'll involve looking at new apartments, cleaning, organizing, my big trip with Chris, getting anxious about whether I'll get accepted into j-school, and of course, work. I look forward, but with a few fingers over my eyes for me to peak through.
The reason for this blog is because the times they are a'changing. And I have heard that song. Pretty much, a new chapter in my life is preparing to unfold in front of my eyes. My application for j-school will be handed in in a few days. I will be moving at the end of February. Do I love that we are in a high rise? Yes I certainly do, but it's also easy to forget to look out the window and realize how nice things look outside our 10th floor when all these other things piss us off. And the view isn't worth it. The costs outweigh the benefits.
A) apartment lady is a beeotch
B) we're already paying A LOT for our place, and rent will be up if we resigned a lease, plus we'd have to pay "pet rent". Bullshit! pet rent? f off, we paid a deposit, pet rent is reduntant and a money grab. Plus I pay 70 a month for my parking spot(the joys of downtown livin'
C)My bedroom is more like an office. Separating my bedroom from the living room is a wall, with a closet door in the middle. The closet door would allow an office to be opened and give access to the living room. Needless to say, I DO NOT want a closet door giving access to my bedroom. To make this feel more like a bedroom, we blocked the closet door shut with some giant foam insulation-type things, and covered that with a curtain. That still doesn't eliminate noise from the living room from blasting straight into my room. It f'ing sucks.
D) My room is in between the living room(with little sound protection, as mentioned) and Kylana's room. As you can guess, this leave little privacy for all three of us. My cry-sturbating requires me to stifle my tears and sobs with a pillow! Geez.
I'm stressed out already, have been for half a month. I started doing a decent clean today and will be cleaning throughout the month and trying to organize the clutter we've allowed to build up over the past year. Right before the move Chris and I are going on a trip to Winnipeg(our first trip together, it's been over 2 months in the making!). So I will need to get my shit in order before then.
It is presently my belief that Alana and Kyle will be moving into a condo that a friend of their's will be buying, as he'll have a spare room and will need some extra money after the move. So I will be branching out on my own(which will be the first time I've ever been full-on solo). I'm not sure if I want to live on my own, which will be more expensive, or find people looking for roommates. The search will be on in a big way at the start of Feb, since most people haven't given their month's notice at their present places yet.
This is an exciting new endeavor for me, to have some more independence and to experience the city toute-seule. But it also comes at a time when there are a lot of things happening in my life. Luckily moving out on my own means I won't have as much stuff to haul, since Kylana's excessive amount of belongings take up most of the apartment.
In summation, next month will be a big one for me. It'll involve looking at new apartments, cleaning, organizing, my big trip with Chris, getting anxious about whether I'll get accepted into j-school, and of course, work. I look forward, but with a few fingers over my eyes for me to peak through.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Inside Outside Feelings
I had a very short-lived flu over the weekend and for one reason or another I have been a mild emotional wreck during and since then. I'm past the times of questioning my future, or mourning my loneliness, which were my old faithfuls. So apparently now my masochistic mind has begun to go deeper, and into a more sordid territory. It's doing a rather thorough character attack at some of my most sensitive areas.
I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!
I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.
Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.
One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.
And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.
I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!
I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.
Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.
One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.
And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Something Different
Yes, I made New Year's Resolutions. They are things that I am very likely to keep. Instead of doing a blog post about that, I've decided to make a different kind of post:
THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010
- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.
- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.
- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.
- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.
- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.
- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.
- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.
- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.
- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.
- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.
- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.
So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following
THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010
- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.
- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.
- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.
- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.
- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.
- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.
- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.
- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.
- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.
- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.
- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.
So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following
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