I write on a regular basis to myself. It is a journal of sorts. Between high school and last year I went without a real book to write in. I think my personal development flourishes when I choose to take the time to look in at myself. It is a great form of therapy and it helps me get stuff out. Sometimes I come to realizations that I hadn't noticed before. Not only is it a good release at the time of writing but it is good to look back. To know who I used to be and who I am today. Where I have failed and where I have succeeded.
My 'journal' is where I do some of my best writing. I can say this concretely since no one else will be reading it, so my opinion is the only one that matters. I say that it is some of my best writing because it is sincere. It is the most sincere I can be, probably the most sincere any person can be. Knowing that there is no audience, no one to impress, gives a writer freedom. It is the freedom of unabashed honesty, of introspection for no other reason than to understand why one does the things he/she does. I have gone into things I thought I would keep in my mind forever and never share with another soul. Things that, in my mind, made me feel like I was a bad person, like I had done something wrong that could never be forgiven. For example, there are actions I took in my childhood that were scolded harshly, but the reasons for the punishment were not explained. As a child, I felt I would forever, in the eyes of a greater power, be judged as a deviant. The act of writing out my guilty conscience let me look at them in a different way. It was an epiphone. A freeing of my soul occured when I assessed my TERRIBLE UNFORGIVABLE ACTS for what they were. They were the innocent actions of a curious child who knew no better. I was not a bad person and my future would not have a black mark on it.
In my journal I have:
- made some confessions.
- created some very cheesy diatribes.
- analyzed this and that, and why that happened or why this person did that.
- made decisions.
- made goals.
No matter what my personal writing has consisted of, it has always been devoid of inhibition. That is why it is my greatest work, and the work that I will always be the most protective of keeping from anyone else in my life, especially the ones that it would be of the most value to. I have wanted to share parts of my journal with others before. I wanted to say, "look, this is what I used to think of you, how cute is that?". But I cannot do that because it would expose parts of me that were never intended to be so. It would lead me into a vulnerable state.
With that said, I have shared a part from my journal before. In this very blog in fact. It was an impersonal mantra that I created to describe my greatest needs in a romantic relationship. An "I need" list at the end of my first blog. The reason I could share that(although I felt vulnerable even sharing this) is because it was impersonal. It was a conclusion I had drawn from pages and pages of writing that was of great value to me, value enough that I wished to share it.
Recently a friend came over and my roommate's old diary, from her at 12 years old, jumped out to the friend. Let us call him "Nosy". Nosy wanted to look into the diary and failed to understand, let us call her "Schmalandor", when she refused to let him look. He did not see how she could be protective of her 12 year old self, as if she was embarassed of her past. Schmalandor said that it is personal and the things she was and thought of then were between her and her alone. I agree entirely with Schmalandor. No one has ever read my journals(as far as I know), which I kept on a sporadic basis between the age of 12 and 18, which actually say Journal on the front so these ones are legit, homes. Who I was at different points in those journals make me incredibly sad most of the time, but above all else, they remind me of who I really am, and the journey I have made. For someone to look at my documentation in that format would be one of the most intimate things that I could allow. Whatever one can draw as a conclusion from that is out of my hands and that is the most terrifying and unnecessary thing.
