I Made It

I have been so scared of moving forward for a long time. I have a giant, irrational fear of rejection, or that I will destroy opportunities that I get. Perhaps also a fear that I won't fit in. Sometimes I think I grew up just fine and I've gotten past my social problems. I'm not. They will always be there. My brain works differently from other people's, and sometimes, maybe not all the time, it shows. I'm over-analytical. My jokes are just a little different from other people's. I think I'm more scared of people, of a change of atmosphere from that which I am accustomed, of having to meet new people, than I am of actually succeeding.
I feel like people don't have enough time to add me into their lives. I don't go simple step-by-step when I meet people. I jump to the thought of "where would I fit in?", "I'm not good enough", and one of my biggest thing is I AM NOT GOOD AT SMALL TALK. It takes me a long time to really bond with others. I know that once someone really gets me, I'm in. Stuck like glue. People get attached to me. It's not an instant magnetism, that's for sure, but I do have a strange lasting effect.
I am so sure that people won't get me, or won't like me, that I put up a facade. It is not intentional. It is a protective instinct. Probably conceived when I was picked on a lot in my younger years. I look like a snob, a bitch. Stand-offish. It is because I don't know how to strike up a conversation. I honestly have this total mental block when it comes to simple introductions. Sitting here, I can think of so many things that could start people talking. Where do you work, are you in school, etc etc. People fucking love talking about themselves. I fucking love talking about myself, why wouldn't they? Just ask them anything! But in the moment, I freeze. It's sad and it is something I need to overcome. I immediately assume the worst, imagine the worst possible thing happening and it ruins all chance.
I have had really good times. In certain situations I am doing really well. I think it may be because it's the middle of winter, a sad time, that I'm dwelling and failing at this.
I started this blog wanting to toot my own horn but ended up with this terribly scathing review of one of my biggest flaws. That's too bad. I overcame a huge mental struggle today. But that blog will wait. Or maybe it'll never happen. I'm a very bizarre person. I build things up in my head. I should do more drugs or something. Maybe talk to someone who understands people's brains. Meh, whatever. I'm sure this feeling will pass and I'll manage to connect with normal people all the time. I'm only 22, there's a whole lifetime of change ahead. Ps, this blog explains why I've been questioning if I should be a server anymore. I am very emotionally-driven and it's hard for me to hide those feelings all the time. This blog sucks. Thanks for reading.