Thinking Too Much

This is a strange subject, but I was just thinking about it. I have had many misadventures in "dating" in the past. I use quotations around dating because I have only been out on dates with two guys, one of which was iffy, and the other is now my boyfriend. So experience is limited, although the stories about boys are not. Sidenote: I am in a very happy and good relationship now, I was simply thinking about dating in general and how complex it is... for some people.

Now, it took me a long time to understand, perhaps until right now, why I never had much luck with males in the past. I can list all the guys that I have had crushes on over the past 5+ years, and that list is expansive. I would usually state my crush to my close female friends(which consist of about 2), and I would pine and then nothing would happen, and I would feel silly for ever even exposing that I was interested in someone when failure was inevitable. Granted, most of those interests would have turned out terribly if actually pursued, almost guaranteed. But I was an avid over-thinker. Talking to new boys would immediately make me wonder about their romantic inclinations and I never really got into making too many new male friends, because I over-think things. I've grown up since then and have made many new male friends, and I am not so self-centered to think that new guys talking to me means that they are interested in me anymore.

But the problem I mainly ran into in finding prospective males was that I think too much. It wasn't just about attraction. It was about, are they single, what does their future hold, could I actually see myself with them. I was going way too many steps past even the first date(which, as I have mentioned, I have only had two). I never know a guy's "full deal" and was never bold enough to do the obvious: just ask. That would involve exposing my interest, which would make me vulnerable. Not my style.

The way things progressed with Chris, when we first started talking, was perfect. We met on plentyoffish, and just started talking. We would chat online and discovered how well our interests matched, we had great banter, were very open(which is my weakest point usually), and things just evolved. It was the first exciting and successful romantic interaction I ever had and it was a thrill. Getting past the crush part and moving onto the next level, it was a triumph. In the past I got to the top of that hill, or the middle of the hill, or even the base, and the energy just wasn't there for me to start rolling down the other side.

There are a few males that I see occasionally that could be found on my ex-crush list(I actually don't have a list, but could construct one if the the need arose, I'm sure). I used to wonder what would have happened in other circumstances. But the truth is, I never made it over that hill with anyone but Chris for a reason. When things could have been said or done in the past, they weren't. There wasn't enough energy. I made it over that hump with Chris, and that's for a reason. It may be a terrible analogy, but I think it makes sense(it certainly clicks in my brain).

I'm growing up, and I don't need to "think" so much anymore. It's nice.