I have been so scared of moving forward for a long time. I have a giant, irrational fear of rejection, or that I will destroy opportunities that I get. Perhaps also a fear that I won't fit in. Sometimes I think I grew up just fine and I've gotten past my social problems. I'm not. They will always be there. My brain works differently from other people's, and sometimes, maybe not all the time, it shows. I'm over-analytical. My jokes are just a little different from other people's. I think I'm more scared of people, of a change of atmosphere from that which I am accustomed, of having to meet new people, than I am of actually succeeding.
I feel like people don't have enough time to add me into their lives. I don't go simple step-by-step when I meet people. I jump to the thought of "where would I fit in?", "I'm not good enough", and one of my biggest thing is I AM NOT GOOD AT SMALL TALK. It takes me a long time to really bond with others. I know that once someone really gets me, I'm in. Stuck like glue. People get attached to me. It's not an instant magnetism, that's for sure, but I do have a strange lasting effect.
I am so sure that people won't get me, or won't like me, that I put up a facade. It is not intentional. It is a protective instinct. Probably conceived when I was picked on a lot in my younger years. I look like a snob, a bitch. Stand-offish. It is because I don't know how to strike up a conversation. I honestly have this total mental block when it comes to simple introductions. Sitting here, I can think of so many things that could start people talking. Where do you work, are you in school, etc etc. People fucking love talking about themselves. I fucking love talking about myself, why wouldn't they? Just ask them anything! But in the moment, I freeze. It's sad and it is something I need to overcome. I immediately assume the worst, imagine the worst possible thing happening and it ruins all chance.
I have had really good times. In certain situations I am doing really well. I think it may be because it's the middle of winter, a sad time, that I'm dwelling and failing at this.
I started this blog wanting to toot my own horn but ended up with this terribly scathing review of one of my biggest flaws. That's too bad. I overcame a huge mental struggle today. But that blog will wait. Or maybe it'll never happen. I'm a very bizarre person. I build things up in my head. I should do more drugs or something. Maybe talk to someone who understands people's brains. Meh, whatever. I'm sure this feeling will pass and I'll manage to connect with normal people all the time. I'm only 22, there's a whole lifetime of change ahead. Ps, this blog explains why I've been questioning if I should be a server anymore. I am very emotionally-driven and it's hard for me to hide those feelings all the time. This blog sucks. Thanks for reading.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sitting on Top of A Mountain
Holy crap I love that song. Harkens me back to summer. The lyrics are sooo good and it's awesome that something with substance managed to be popular. That is not actually the point of the blog but I'm listening to that song again because I still haven't gotten enough of it although I heard it almost every day during summer.
The reason for this blog is because the times they are a'changing. And I have heard that song. Pretty much, a new chapter in my life is preparing to unfold in front of my eyes. My application for j-school will be handed in in a few days. I will be moving at the end of February. Do I love that we are in a high rise? Yes I certainly do, but it's also easy to forget to look out the window and realize how nice things look outside our 10th floor when all these other things piss us off. And the view isn't worth it. The costs outweigh the benefits.
A) apartment lady is a beeotch
B) we're already paying A LOT for our place, and rent will be up if we resigned a lease, plus we'd have to pay "pet rent". Bullshit! pet rent? f off, we paid a deposit, pet rent is reduntant and a money grab. Plus I pay 70 a month for my parking spot(the joys of downtown livin'
C)My bedroom is more like an office. Separating my bedroom from the living room is a wall, with a closet door in the middle. The closet door would allow an office to be opened and give access to the living room. Needless to say, I DO NOT want a closet door giving access to my bedroom. To make this feel more like a bedroom, we blocked the closet door shut with some giant foam insulation-type things, and covered that with a curtain. That still doesn't eliminate noise from the living room from blasting straight into my room. It f'ing sucks.
D) My room is in between the living room(with little sound protection, as mentioned) and Kylana's room. As you can guess, this leave little privacy for all three of us. My cry-sturbating requires me to stifle my tears and sobs with a pillow! Geez.
I'm stressed out already, have been for half a month. I started doing a decent clean today and will be cleaning throughout the month and trying to organize the clutter we've allowed to build up over the past year. Right before the move Chris and I are going on a trip to Winnipeg(our first trip together, it's been over 2 months in the making!). So I will need to get my shit in order before then.
It is presently my belief that Alana and Kyle will be moving into a condo that a friend of their's will be buying, as he'll have a spare room and will need some extra money after the move. So I will be branching out on my own(which will be the first time I've ever been full-on solo). I'm not sure if I want to live on my own, which will be more expensive, or find people looking for roommates. The search will be on in a big way at the start of Feb, since most people haven't given their month's notice at their present places yet.
This is an exciting new endeavor for me, to have some more independence and to experience the city toute-seule. But it also comes at a time when there are a lot of things happening in my life. Luckily moving out on my own means I won't have as much stuff to haul, since Kylana's excessive amount of belongings take up most of the apartment.
In summation, next month will be a big one for me. It'll involve looking at new apartments, cleaning, organizing, my big trip with Chris, getting anxious about whether I'll get accepted into j-school, and of course, work. I look forward, but with a few fingers over my eyes for me to peak through.
The reason for this blog is because the times they are a'changing. And I have heard that song. Pretty much, a new chapter in my life is preparing to unfold in front of my eyes. My application for j-school will be handed in in a few days. I will be moving at the end of February. Do I love that we are in a high rise? Yes I certainly do, but it's also easy to forget to look out the window and realize how nice things look outside our 10th floor when all these other things piss us off. And the view isn't worth it. The costs outweigh the benefits.
A) apartment lady is a beeotch
B) we're already paying A LOT for our place, and rent will be up if we resigned a lease, plus we'd have to pay "pet rent". Bullshit! pet rent? f off, we paid a deposit, pet rent is reduntant and a money grab. Plus I pay 70 a month for my parking spot(the joys of downtown livin'
C)My bedroom is more like an office. Separating my bedroom from the living room is a wall, with a closet door in the middle. The closet door would allow an office to be opened and give access to the living room. Needless to say, I DO NOT want a closet door giving access to my bedroom. To make this feel more like a bedroom, we blocked the closet door shut with some giant foam insulation-type things, and covered that with a curtain. That still doesn't eliminate noise from the living room from blasting straight into my room. It f'ing sucks.
D) My room is in between the living room(with little sound protection, as mentioned) and Kylana's room. As you can guess, this leave little privacy for all three of us. My cry-sturbating requires me to stifle my tears and sobs with a pillow! Geez.
I'm stressed out already, have been for half a month. I started doing a decent clean today and will be cleaning throughout the month and trying to organize the clutter we've allowed to build up over the past year. Right before the move Chris and I are going on a trip to Winnipeg(our first trip together, it's been over 2 months in the making!). So I will need to get my shit in order before then.
It is presently my belief that Alana and Kyle will be moving into a condo that a friend of their's will be buying, as he'll have a spare room and will need some extra money after the move. So I will be branching out on my own(which will be the first time I've ever been full-on solo). I'm not sure if I want to live on my own, which will be more expensive, or find people looking for roommates. The search will be on in a big way at the start of Feb, since most people haven't given their month's notice at their present places yet.
This is an exciting new endeavor for me, to have some more independence and to experience the city toute-seule. But it also comes at a time when there are a lot of things happening in my life. Luckily moving out on my own means I won't have as much stuff to haul, since Kylana's excessive amount of belongings take up most of the apartment.
In summation, next month will be a big one for me. It'll involve looking at new apartments, cleaning, organizing, my big trip with Chris, getting anxious about whether I'll get accepted into j-school, and of course, work. I look forward, but with a few fingers over my eyes for me to peak through.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Inside Outside Feelings
I had a very short-lived flu over the weekend and for one reason or another I have been a mild emotional wreck during and since then. I'm past the times of questioning my future, or mourning my loneliness, which were my old faithfuls. So apparently now my masochistic mind has begun to go deeper, and into a more sordid territory. It's doing a rather thorough character attack at some of my most sensitive areas.
I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!
I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.
Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.
One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.
And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.
I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!
I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.
Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.
One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.
And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Something Different
Yes, I made New Year's Resolutions. They are things that I am very likely to keep. Instead of doing a blog post about that, I've decided to make a different kind of post:
THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010
- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.
- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.
- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.
- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.
- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.
- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.
- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.
- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.
- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.
- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.
- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.
So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following
THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010
- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.
- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.
- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.
- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.
- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.
- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.
- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.
- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.
- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.
- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.
- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.
So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Rehashing this Year
So my boyfriend's blog has inspired me to recall this year(in more than just our household Christmas newsletter form) for my loyal followers. Although I will be more verbose, because that's how I roll. And if I can't be self-indulgent in my blog, where CAN I be self-indulgent?
This year has involved probably near to as many hours serving as sleeping(or probably half). It started off with me working part-time at Tumblers and enjoying the shit out of being a Legislative Page. Katie, Shaheen and I became great work friends and will be those random friends that we'll call to hang out with for years to come. I also made some great connections in the Clerk's Office, my boss, etc who I enjoy visiting even though I'm no longer employed there. Not to mention all the exposure to politics I got during my time there. My interest in all levels of politics has been piqued, and I got to joke around with some of Saskatchewan's greatest political minds(when a coworker can give the Minister of Justice the finger and get away with it, you know you have a dream job). End of session pranks that we put together included: putting coloured ice cubes in Members' water glasses; putting some pirate paraphenelia on the Sargeant at Arms' desk(he looks like a pirate, for reals); putting a "memo" on all members' desks inviting them to the End of Session Arm Wrestle Competition between the Ministers and Critics( in which a group of members on both the opposition and Gov took the liberty to fill out who would win with some commentary); and a paper on Ken Cheveldayoff's desk with a picture of himself and his doppelganger, Alec Baldwin. We hoped to be remembered fondly by Saskatchewan's MLA's.
Immediately after session, I jumped into the most hours-intensive job EVER. Reid owns both Tumblers and the Western Pizza at Regina Beach. They wanted to get reliable , solid staff out there this year, so I worked with 3 others, who I thought would be great. But it turned out that I was the most reliable person out there, and as assistant manager(and waitress, and dishwasher, and busboy, and cleaning lady, and cook) I suppose I assumed that at the least the manager would take on more than she did. Unfortunately I worked with people who party and smoke pot a lot, so the only person I could count on was myself. At the end of summer then only person I could look at the same was the guy. The two girls, who are emotional wrecks, completely lost the respect I had for them at the start of the "adventure" that I thought I had signed up for. Good things: I learned how to cook at a restaurant, learned how to handle an incredible volume of customers, troubleshoot problems as a person in a position of authority, and every once in a little while had a fun time. Also managed to throw in a sweet trip to what is now an annual tradition of "Dirty ol' Tisdale", where me and a whole bunch of couples tore up the town on their Canada Day weekend street concert(The Stampeders this year) and a weekend at Caitlin's cabin where we drank the weekend away and went Watersliding.
My time at The Beach also gave me some time to text without the always-scrutinizing eyes of my boss at Tumblers, Jim. During my Beach summer, I had some extra time on my slow days to text away and get to know a new boy, Chris. We hit it off(and he let me bitch incessantly about work) and by the end of summer, with our demanding work schedules we had managed to get in a few visits and start dating. Although he lives in Yorkton, two hours away, we've made things work and are having one hell of a relationship. We've got a solid foundation because we're pretty rational, are both super-sexy, have similar tastes in most things, are hella-fun to hang out with(aka not uncomfortably couply) and encouraging of the other in achieving goals. We also have dreams of adventuring and regardless of when in life we'll get to do them, I'm enjoying the small ones we have, plus the guy makes me happy.
Anways, blah blah blah, summer ended, back to Tumblers, started loathing Tumblers, looked for a new job, got a kick-ass, incredibly well-paying(tip-wise) job at Hotel Saskatchewan and am working part-time at Tumblers. At the start of next year I plan to kick Tumblers to the curb, because I can just feel how unhappy the place makes me and my ties there are slowly loosening. Strangely enough, the one I'll miss the most may be Jim, the crazy 50-year-old guy who's been yelling at me for years. We've hit a comfortable place where he finally trusts me and I'll miss that.
Regardless of work, I know that I'll be applying for Journalism as soon as I finish up my portfolio, and hopefully be back in school in September. If not in Regina, I'll be applying elsewheres as well. I realized today that I've been straight-up serving for the past 7 months, with no more than 3 days off at a time. In the new year I plan on taking some holidays and getting some quality time in with my man, maybe going on a little tripski. After a year of making a bunch of money(and buying a '06 Ford Focus and paying it off within 10 months), I feel I've earned some sort of release.
Anyways, this has been incredibly long, but hey, so was my fucking year! A lot has happened, and I've grown a ton. I finally see my future as something within reach and I'm totally done with this "taking some time off of school" phase. People said I'd get comfortable making money and not go back, but I've spent this past year wishing I was back in school, and definitely have not been comfortable most of the time! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my intelligent and classy fan base!
This year has involved probably near to as many hours serving as sleeping(or probably half). It started off with me working part-time at Tumblers and enjoying the shit out of being a Legislative Page. Katie, Shaheen and I became great work friends and will be those random friends that we'll call to hang out with for years to come. I also made some great connections in the Clerk's Office, my boss, etc who I enjoy visiting even though I'm no longer employed there. Not to mention all the exposure to politics I got during my time there. My interest in all levels of politics has been piqued, and I got to joke around with some of Saskatchewan's greatest political minds(when a coworker can give the Minister of Justice the finger and get away with it, you know you have a dream job). End of session pranks that we put together included: putting coloured ice cubes in Members' water glasses; putting some pirate paraphenelia on the Sargeant at Arms' desk(he looks like a pirate, for reals); putting a "memo" on all members' desks inviting them to the End of Session Arm Wrestle Competition between the Ministers and Critics( in which a group of members on both the opposition and Gov took the liberty to fill out who would win with some commentary); and a paper on Ken Cheveldayoff's desk with a picture of himself and his doppelganger, Alec Baldwin. We hoped to be remembered fondly by Saskatchewan's MLA's.
Immediately after session, I jumped into the most hours-intensive job EVER. Reid owns both Tumblers and the Western Pizza at Regina Beach. They wanted to get reliable , solid staff out there this year, so I worked with 3 others, who I thought would be great. But it turned out that I was the most reliable person out there, and as assistant manager(and waitress, and dishwasher, and busboy, and cleaning lady, and cook) I suppose I assumed that at the least the manager would take on more than she did. Unfortunately I worked with people who party and smoke pot a lot, so the only person I could count on was myself. At the end of summer then only person I could look at the same was the guy. The two girls, who are emotional wrecks, completely lost the respect I had for them at the start of the "adventure" that I thought I had signed up for. Good things: I learned how to cook at a restaurant, learned how to handle an incredible volume of customers, troubleshoot problems as a person in a position of authority, and every once in a little while had a fun time. Also managed to throw in a sweet trip to what is now an annual tradition of "Dirty ol' Tisdale", where me and a whole bunch of couples tore up the town on their Canada Day weekend street concert(The Stampeders this year) and a weekend at Caitlin's cabin where we drank the weekend away and went Watersliding.
My time at The Beach also gave me some time to text without the always-scrutinizing eyes of my boss at Tumblers, Jim. During my Beach summer, I had some extra time on my slow days to text away and get to know a new boy, Chris. We hit it off(and he let me bitch incessantly about work) and by the end of summer, with our demanding work schedules we had managed to get in a few visits and start dating. Although he lives in Yorkton, two hours away, we've made things work and are having one hell of a relationship. We've got a solid foundation because we're pretty rational, are both super-sexy, have similar tastes in most things, are hella-fun to hang out with(aka not uncomfortably couply) and encouraging of the other in achieving goals. We also have dreams of adventuring and regardless of when in life we'll get to do them, I'm enjoying the small ones we have, plus the guy makes me happy.
Anways, blah blah blah, summer ended, back to Tumblers, started loathing Tumblers, looked for a new job, got a kick-ass, incredibly well-paying(tip-wise) job at Hotel Saskatchewan and am working part-time at Tumblers. At the start of next year I plan to kick Tumblers to the curb, because I can just feel how unhappy the place makes me and my ties there are slowly loosening. Strangely enough, the one I'll miss the most may be Jim, the crazy 50-year-old guy who's been yelling at me for years. We've hit a comfortable place where he finally trusts me and I'll miss that.
Regardless of work, I know that I'll be applying for Journalism as soon as I finish up my portfolio, and hopefully be back in school in September. If not in Regina, I'll be applying elsewheres as well. I realized today that I've been straight-up serving for the past 7 months, with no more than 3 days off at a time. In the new year I plan on taking some holidays and getting some quality time in with my man, maybe going on a little tripski. After a year of making a bunch of money(and buying a '06 Ford Focus and paying it off within 10 months), I feel I've earned some sort of release.
Anyways, this has been incredibly long, but hey, so was my fucking year! A lot has happened, and I've grown a ton. I finally see my future as something within reach and I'm totally done with this "taking some time off of school" phase. People said I'd get comfortable making money and not go back, but I've spent this past year wishing I was back in school, and definitely have not been comfortable most of the time! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my intelligent and classy fan base!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Smart People Are Better at Relationships
I've spent some time mentally comparing the dating lives of the people I usually hang out with--who are well educated, do no hard drugs, party occasionally-- with people that are less educated, party more and do more drugs. Essentially, that would be the dating life of many of my University-educated friends versus my past coworkers.
Guess which group involves less tears, less breakups and less drama? Some of the stories I've heard are so insane that I need to take a step back. To some extent we all enjoy other people's drama but my coworkers pushed it beyond entertaining to grotesque. If I changed the title of this post to "dating", hell yeah those people would be the best. Dumb people, yes, I'm throwing it out there, are better at finding "the one", and falling in love within a month, and creating endless chaos, and then moving onto the new "one", and being blissful and miserable and elated and destroyed. It's easy to find someone to be your everything when your criteria don't go far beyond looks and the right place and time.
The term 'smart' that I've used thus far is really vague. I don't mean to insult the ones that I'm refering to as 'dumb', although there's really no chance that they'll be reading this blog, let's be honest. I suppose when I say 'smart' I follow the original guidelines of my comparison. Smart people are the university-educated folks who don't do hard drugs or party frequently, and the dumb ones aren't university-educated, party lots and/or do drugs. It makes sense that under this label, the dumb ones would be the ones who suck at long-term relationships and are more dramatic. Because they likely lack the drive that the smart ones have, they don't have as stringent of requirements for a significant other. And since they aren't focusing on smart-people issues, or studying, reading, etc, there is a lot more space and time for them to manufacture and allow incredibly dramatic situations. Instead of getting a thrill out of devouring knowledge, they get a thrill out of, say, a cheating boyfriend who keeps coming back, or a boyfriend that physically pushes. I'm not saying dumb girls enjoy pain, I'm saying that they attach themselves to people that can be negative influences. These girls are so fixated on not being lonely and their traditional vision of love that they attach emotionally to this other, and can lose themselves in the process. It seriously saddens me, but it also frustrates me because I can see these people putting themselves in the position to set it up.
I know that the term love means different things to everyone, but I have doubts that the people that dive into relationships like this really have an understanding of the term they so easily throw out.
I know that my real-world experience is limited in the relationship department. I still suspect that my expectations of dating--my standards and my hopes-- were more advanced than those of people who had been serial dating since late elementary school. In fact, I think I had an edge on those folks. I have a strong sense of self. I know what I want out of life and had the opportunity to ponder these things free of someone else's influence before any gentlemen came along to sweep me off my feet.
You know what I think stands as the theme of what I've written here thus far? Smart girls want Mr. Right, the not-so-smart ones want Mr. Right Now.
To the more fun part, I shall move onto why smart people are better at relationships. This is a general observation, and obviously all would need to be seen in a case-by-case situation. This is also how I feel about my personal experience thus far.
Thing 1. Smart people have better criteria for someone that they want to be with. They also tend to meet people in the atmosphere that they spend most of their time, ie, school. There is more opportunity to find someone with similar interests and whether one fits into their criteria.
Thing 2. Smart people don't get carried away so easily. So I meet a guy and he's awesome and the chemistry is there, so on so forth. The smart ones do not decide they're in love because they enjoy spending time with someone. They take it for what it is, because they take the time to step back from that situation and see that a relationship takes time to unfold and there is no need to rush all of the new, exciting things.
Thing 3. We don't entirely forget the others' differences. We just only acknowledge them when they affect us. If you throw garbage out of your car when you're by yourself, that's on you. But if you do it with me, I'm gonna be pissed, and make you get it and throw it in a garbage later.
Thing 4. We don't try to change the other. Yeah, I don't like everything about you. I don't like the sound of you snoring, but from experience, I know the only way to stop that is plugging your nose, and then you get all "Oh, I can't breathe now". Annoying! But I accept it because of all the other awesome things you offer me. Us smart people, we understand that maybe, our significant other probably doesn't like every single thing about me, but they are willing to put up with it as well. It's a give and take.
Thing 5. We don't plan irrationally far into the future. We have dreams. We want to go on this incredible trip to Europe together and learn new languages, and have orgies in Amsterdam. But it's a dream. We don't talk about it every other day. We know that we won't last forever, and if we do last forever, that's fricken sweet, but,you know, statistically, it's not likely. We don't talk about having kids, or getting married, or moving in together until the appropriate time comes.
Thing 6. We are open with each other. Communication is key. If we don't talk when things are bothering us, and if we hide our true feelings, our relationship is taking a hit. If you really care about someone else, you are likely excited to keep an open dialogue. Plus, the communication thing keeps us in tune with Thing 5. We have an understanding of what time is appropriate to talk about moving in, because we've openly discussed where we're at. Boom.
I think smart people have these advantages, but I know we all face challenges, even challenges that disprove some or all of the points I just made. The great benefit we have is this: we think things through. We can step back for just a moment and decide if what we're doing is the best for us and the one we're with.
Guess which group involves less tears, less breakups and less drama? Some of the stories I've heard are so insane that I need to take a step back. To some extent we all enjoy other people's drama but my coworkers pushed it beyond entertaining to grotesque. If I changed the title of this post to "dating", hell yeah those people would be the best. Dumb people, yes, I'm throwing it out there, are better at finding "the one", and falling in love within a month, and creating endless chaos, and then moving onto the new "one", and being blissful and miserable and elated and destroyed. It's easy to find someone to be your everything when your criteria don't go far beyond looks and the right place and time.
The term 'smart' that I've used thus far is really vague. I don't mean to insult the ones that I'm refering to as 'dumb', although there's really no chance that they'll be reading this blog, let's be honest. I suppose when I say 'smart' I follow the original guidelines of my comparison. Smart people are the university-educated folks who don't do hard drugs or party frequently, and the dumb ones aren't university-educated, party lots and/or do drugs. It makes sense that under this label, the dumb ones would be the ones who suck at long-term relationships and are more dramatic. Because they likely lack the drive that the smart ones have, they don't have as stringent of requirements for a significant other. And since they aren't focusing on smart-people issues, or studying, reading, etc, there is a lot more space and time for them to manufacture and allow incredibly dramatic situations. Instead of getting a thrill out of devouring knowledge, they get a thrill out of, say, a cheating boyfriend who keeps coming back, or a boyfriend that physically pushes. I'm not saying dumb girls enjoy pain, I'm saying that they attach themselves to people that can be negative influences. These girls are so fixated on not being lonely and their traditional vision of love that they attach emotionally to this other, and can lose themselves in the process. It seriously saddens me, but it also frustrates me because I can see these people putting themselves in the position to set it up.
I know that the term love means different things to everyone, but I have doubts that the people that dive into relationships like this really have an understanding of the term they so easily throw out.
I know that my real-world experience is limited in the relationship department. I still suspect that my expectations of dating--my standards and my hopes-- were more advanced than those of people who had been serial dating since late elementary school. In fact, I think I had an edge on those folks. I have a strong sense of self. I know what I want out of life and had the opportunity to ponder these things free of someone else's influence before any gentlemen came along to sweep me off my feet.
You know what I think stands as the theme of what I've written here thus far? Smart girls want Mr. Right, the not-so-smart ones want Mr. Right Now.
To the more fun part, I shall move onto why smart people are better at relationships. This is a general observation, and obviously all would need to be seen in a case-by-case situation. This is also how I feel about my personal experience thus far.
Thing 1. Smart people have better criteria for someone that they want to be with. They also tend to meet people in the atmosphere that they spend most of their time, ie, school. There is more opportunity to find someone with similar interests and whether one fits into their criteria.
Thing 2. Smart people don't get carried away so easily. So I meet a guy and he's awesome and the chemistry is there, so on so forth. The smart ones do not decide they're in love because they enjoy spending time with someone. They take it for what it is, because they take the time to step back from that situation and see that a relationship takes time to unfold and there is no need to rush all of the new, exciting things.
Thing 3. We don't entirely forget the others' differences. We just only acknowledge them when they affect us. If you throw garbage out of your car when you're by yourself, that's on you. But if you do it with me, I'm gonna be pissed, and make you get it and throw it in a garbage later.
Thing 4. We don't try to change the other. Yeah, I don't like everything about you. I don't like the sound of you snoring, but from experience, I know the only way to stop that is plugging your nose, and then you get all "Oh, I can't breathe now". Annoying! But I accept it because of all the other awesome things you offer me. Us smart people, we understand that maybe, our significant other probably doesn't like every single thing about me, but they are willing to put up with it as well. It's a give and take.
Thing 5. We don't plan irrationally far into the future. We have dreams. We want to go on this incredible trip to Europe together and learn new languages, and have orgies in Amsterdam. But it's a dream. We don't talk about it every other day. We know that we won't last forever, and if we do last forever, that's fricken sweet, but,you know, statistically, it's not likely. We don't talk about having kids, or getting married, or moving in together until the appropriate time comes.
Thing 6. We are open with each other. Communication is key. If we don't talk when things are bothering us, and if we hide our true feelings, our relationship is taking a hit. If you really care about someone else, you are likely excited to keep an open dialogue. Plus, the communication thing keeps us in tune with Thing 5. We have an understanding of what time is appropriate to talk about moving in, because we've openly discussed where we're at. Boom.
I think smart people have these advantages, but I know we all face challenges, even challenges that disprove some or all of the points I just made. The great benefit we have is this: we think things through. We can step back for just a moment and decide if what we're doing is the best for us and the one we're with.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Journals/Diaries are a Beautiful Thing. This is Why
I write on a regular basis to myself. It is a journal of sorts. Between high school and last year I went without a real book to write in. I think my personal development flourishes when I choose to take the time to look in at myself. It is a great form of therapy and it helps me get stuff out. Sometimes I come to realizations that I hadn't noticed before. Not only is it a good release at the time of writing but it is good to look back. To know who I used to be and who I am today. Where I have failed and where I have succeeded.
My 'journal' is where I do some of my best writing. I can say this concretely since no one else will be reading it, so my opinion is the only one that matters. I say that it is some of my best writing because it is sincere. It is the most sincere I can be, probably the most sincere any person can be. Knowing that there is no audience, no one to impress, gives a writer freedom. It is the freedom of unabashed honesty, of introspection for no other reason than to understand why one does the things he/she does. I have gone into things I thought I would keep in my mind forever and never share with another soul. Things that, in my mind, made me feel like I was a bad person, like I had done something wrong that could never be forgiven. For example, there are actions I took in my childhood that were scolded harshly, but the reasons for the punishment were not explained. As a child, I felt I would forever, in the eyes of a greater power, be judged as a deviant. The act of writing out my guilty conscience let me look at them in a different way. It was an epiphone. A freeing of my soul occured when I assessed my TERRIBLE UNFORGIVABLE ACTS for what they were. They were the innocent actions of a curious child who knew no better. I was not a bad person and my future would not have a black mark on it.
In my journal I have:
- made some confessions.
- created some very cheesy diatribes.
- analyzed this and that, and why that happened or why this person did that.
- made decisions.
- made goals.
No matter what my personal writing has consisted of, it has always been devoid of inhibition. That is why it is my greatest work, and the work that I will always be the most protective of keeping from anyone else in my life, especially the ones that it would be of the most value to. I have wanted to share parts of my journal with others before. I wanted to say, "look, this is what I used to think of you, how cute is that?". But I cannot do that because it would expose parts of me that were never intended to be so. It would lead me into a vulnerable state.
With that said, I have shared a part from my journal before. In this very blog in fact. It was an impersonal mantra that I created to describe my greatest needs in a romantic relationship. An "I need" list at the end of my first blog. The reason I could share that(although I felt vulnerable even sharing this) is because it was impersonal. It was a conclusion I had drawn from pages and pages of writing that was of great value to me, value enough that I wished to share it.
Recently a friend came over and my roommate's old diary, from her at 12 years old, jumped out to the friend. Let us call him "Nosy". Nosy wanted to look into the diary and failed to understand, let us call her "Schmalandor", when she refused to let him look. He did not see how she could be protective of her 12 year old self, as if she was embarassed of her past. Schmalandor said that it is personal and the things she was and thought of then were between her and her alone. I agree entirely with Schmalandor. No one has ever read my journals(as far as I know), which I kept on a sporadic basis between the age of 12 and 18, which actually say Journal on the front so these ones are legit, homes. Who I was at different points in those journals make me incredibly sad most of the time, but above all else, they remind me of who I really am, and the journey I have made. For someone to look at my documentation in that format would be one of the most intimate things that I could allow. Whatever one can draw as a conclusion from that is out of my hands and that is the most terrifying and unnecessary thing.
My 'journal' is where I do some of my best writing. I can say this concretely since no one else will be reading it, so my opinion is the only one that matters. I say that it is some of my best writing because it is sincere. It is the most sincere I can be, probably the most sincere any person can be. Knowing that there is no audience, no one to impress, gives a writer freedom. It is the freedom of unabashed honesty, of introspection for no other reason than to understand why one does the things he/she does. I have gone into things I thought I would keep in my mind forever and never share with another soul. Things that, in my mind, made me feel like I was a bad person, like I had done something wrong that could never be forgiven. For example, there are actions I took in my childhood that were scolded harshly, but the reasons for the punishment were not explained. As a child, I felt I would forever, in the eyes of a greater power, be judged as a deviant. The act of writing out my guilty conscience let me look at them in a different way. It was an epiphone. A freeing of my soul occured when I assessed my TERRIBLE UNFORGIVABLE ACTS for what they were. They were the innocent actions of a curious child who knew no better. I was not a bad person and my future would not have a black mark on it.
In my journal I have:
- made some confessions.
- created some very cheesy diatribes.
- analyzed this and that, and why that happened or why this person did that.
- made decisions.
- made goals.
No matter what my personal writing has consisted of, it has always been devoid of inhibition. That is why it is my greatest work, and the work that I will always be the most protective of keeping from anyone else in my life, especially the ones that it would be of the most value to. I have wanted to share parts of my journal with others before. I wanted to say, "look, this is what I used to think of you, how cute is that?". But I cannot do that because it would expose parts of me that were never intended to be so. It would lead me into a vulnerable state.
With that said, I have shared a part from my journal before. In this very blog in fact. It was an impersonal mantra that I created to describe my greatest needs in a romantic relationship. An "I need" list at the end of my first blog. The reason I could share that(although I felt vulnerable even sharing this) is because it was impersonal. It was a conclusion I had drawn from pages and pages of writing that was of great value to me, value enough that I wished to share it.
Recently a friend came over and my roommate's old diary, from her at 12 years old, jumped out to the friend. Let us call him "Nosy". Nosy wanted to look into the diary and failed to understand, let us call her "Schmalandor", when she refused to let him look. He did not see how she could be protective of her 12 year old self, as if she was embarassed of her past. Schmalandor said that it is personal and the things she was and thought of then were between her and her alone. I agree entirely with Schmalandor. No one has ever read my journals(as far as I know), which I kept on a sporadic basis between the age of 12 and 18, which actually say Journal on the front so these ones are legit, homes. Who I was at different points in those journals make me incredibly sad most of the time, but above all else, they remind me of who I really am, and the journey I have made. For someone to look at my documentation in that format would be one of the most intimate things that I could allow. Whatever one can draw as a conclusion from that is out of my hands and that is the most terrifying and unnecessary thing.
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