I had a very short-lived flu over the weekend and for one reason or another I have been a mild emotional wreck during and since then. I'm past the times of questioning my future, or mourning my loneliness, which were my old faithfuls. So apparently now my masochistic mind has begun to go deeper, and into a more sordid territory. It's doing a rather thorough character attack at some of my most sensitive areas.
I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!
I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.
Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.
One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.
And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Something Different
Yes, I made New Year's Resolutions. They are things that I am very likely to keep. Instead of doing a blog post about that, I've decided to make a different kind of post:
THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010
- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.
- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.
- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.
- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.
- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.
- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.
- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.
- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.
- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.
- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.
- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.
So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following
THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010
- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.
- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.
- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.
- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.
- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.
- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.
- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.
- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.
- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.
- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.
- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.
So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Rehashing this Year
So my boyfriend's blog has inspired me to recall this year(in more than just our household Christmas newsletter form) for my loyal followers. Although I will be more verbose, because that's how I roll. And if I can't be self-indulgent in my blog, where CAN I be self-indulgent?
This year has involved probably near to as many hours serving as sleeping(or probably half). It started off with me working part-time at Tumblers and enjoying the shit out of being a Legislative Page. Katie, Shaheen and I became great work friends and will be those random friends that we'll call to hang out with for years to come. I also made some great connections in the Clerk's Office, my boss, etc who I enjoy visiting even though I'm no longer employed there. Not to mention all the exposure to politics I got during my time there. My interest in all levels of politics has been piqued, and I got to joke around with some of Saskatchewan's greatest political minds(when a coworker can give the Minister of Justice the finger and get away with it, you know you have a dream job). End of session pranks that we put together included: putting coloured ice cubes in Members' water glasses; putting some pirate paraphenelia on the Sargeant at Arms' desk(he looks like a pirate, for reals); putting a "memo" on all members' desks inviting them to the End of Session Arm Wrestle Competition between the Ministers and Critics( in which a group of members on both the opposition and Gov took the liberty to fill out who would win with some commentary); and a paper on Ken Cheveldayoff's desk with a picture of himself and his doppelganger, Alec Baldwin. We hoped to be remembered fondly by Saskatchewan's MLA's.
Immediately after session, I jumped into the most hours-intensive job EVER. Reid owns both Tumblers and the Western Pizza at Regina Beach. They wanted to get reliable , solid staff out there this year, so I worked with 3 others, who I thought would be great. But it turned out that I was the most reliable person out there, and as assistant manager(and waitress, and dishwasher, and busboy, and cleaning lady, and cook) I suppose I assumed that at the least the manager would take on more than she did. Unfortunately I worked with people who party and smoke pot a lot, so the only person I could count on was myself. At the end of summer then only person I could look at the same was the guy. The two girls, who are emotional wrecks, completely lost the respect I had for them at the start of the "adventure" that I thought I had signed up for. Good things: I learned how to cook at a restaurant, learned how to handle an incredible volume of customers, troubleshoot problems as a person in a position of authority, and every once in a little while had a fun time. Also managed to throw in a sweet trip to what is now an annual tradition of "Dirty ol' Tisdale", where me and a whole bunch of couples tore up the town on their Canada Day weekend street concert(The Stampeders this year) and a weekend at Caitlin's cabin where we drank the weekend away and went Watersliding.
My time at The Beach also gave me some time to text without the always-scrutinizing eyes of my boss at Tumblers, Jim. During my Beach summer, I had some extra time on my slow days to text away and get to know a new boy, Chris. We hit it off(and he let me bitch incessantly about work) and by the end of summer, with our demanding work schedules we had managed to get in a few visits and start dating. Although he lives in Yorkton, two hours away, we've made things work and are having one hell of a relationship. We've got a solid foundation because we're pretty rational, are both super-sexy, have similar tastes in most things, are hella-fun to hang out with(aka not uncomfortably couply) and encouraging of the other in achieving goals. We also have dreams of adventuring and regardless of when in life we'll get to do them, I'm enjoying the small ones we have, plus the guy makes me happy.
Anways, blah blah blah, summer ended, back to Tumblers, started loathing Tumblers, looked for a new job, got a kick-ass, incredibly well-paying(tip-wise) job at Hotel Saskatchewan and am working part-time at Tumblers. At the start of next year I plan to kick Tumblers to the curb, because I can just feel how unhappy the place makes me and my ties there are slowly loosening. Strangely enough, the one I'll miss the most may be Jim, the crazy 50-year-old guy who's been yelling at me for years. We've hit a comfortable place where he finally trusts me and I'll miss that.
Regardless of work, I know that I'll be applying for Journalism as soon as I finish up my portfolio, and hopefully be back in school in September. If not in Regina, I'll be applying elsewheres as well. I realized today that I've been straight-up serving for the past 7 months, with no more than 3 days off at a time. In the new year I plan on taking some holidays and getting some quality time in with my man, maybe going on a little tripski. After a year of making a bunch of money(and buying a '06 Ford Focus and paying it off within 10 months), I feel I've earned some sort of release.
Anyways, this has been incredibly long, but hey, so was my fucking year! A lot has happened, and I've grown a ton. I finally see my future as something within reach and I'm totally done with this "taking some time off of school" phase. People said I'd get comfortable making money and not go back, but I've spent this past year wishing I was back in school, and definitely have not been comfortable most of the time! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my intelligent and classy fan base!
This year has involved probably near to as many hours serving as sleeping(or probably half). It started off with me working part-time at Tumblers and enjoying the shit out of being a Legislative Page. Katie, Shaheen and I became great work friends and will be those random friends that we'll call to hang out with for years to come. I also made some great connections in the Clerk's Office, my boss, etc who I enjoy visiting even though I'm no longer employed there. Not to mention all the exposure to politics I got during my time there. My interest in all levels of politics has been piqued, and I got to joke around with some of Saskatchewan's greatest political minds(when a coworker can give the Minister of Justice the finger and get away with it, you know you have a dream job). End of session pranks that we put together included: putting coloured ice cubes in Members' water glasses; putting some pirate paraphenelia on the Sargeant at Arms' desk(he looks like a pirate, for reals); putting a "memo" on all members' desks inviting them to the End of Session Arm Wrestle Competition between the Ministers and Critics( in which a group of members on both the opposition and Gov took the liberty to fill out who would win with some commentary); and a paper on Ken Cheveldayoff's desk with a picture of himself and his doppelganger, Alec Baldwin. We hoped to be remembered fondly by Saskatchewan's MLA's.
Immediately after session, I jumped into the most hours-intensive job EVER. Reid owns both Tumblers and the Western Pizza at Regina Beach. They wanted to get reliable , solid staff out there this year, so I worked with 3 others, who I thought would be great. But it turned out that I was the most reliable person out there, and as assistant manager(and waitress, and dishwasher, and busboy, and cleaning lady, and cook) I suppose I assumed that at the least the manager would take on more than she did. Unfortunately I worked with people who party and smoke pot a lot, so the only person I could count on was myself. At the end of summer then only person I could look at the same was the guy. The two girls, who are emotional wrecks, completely lost the respect I had for them at the start of the "adventure" that I thought I had signed up for. Good things: I learned how to cook at a restaurant, learned how to handle an incredible volume of customers, troubleshoot problems as a person in a position of authority, and every once in a little while had a fun time. Also managed to throw in a sweet trip to what is now an annual tradition of "Dirty ol' Tisdale", where me and a whole bunch of couples tore up the town on their Canada Day weekend street concert(The Stampeders this year) and a weekend at Caitlin's cabin where we drank the weekend away and went Watersliding.
My time at The Beach also gave me some time to text without the always-scrutinizing eyes of my boss at Tumblers, Jim. During my Beach summer, I had some extra time on my slow days to text away and get to know a new boy, Chris. We hit it off(and he let me bitch incessantly about work) and by the end of summer, with our demanding work schedules we had managed to get in a few visits and start dating. Although he lives in Yorkton, two hours away, we've made things work and are having one hell of a relationship. We've got a solid foundation because we're pretty rational, are both super-sexy, have similar tastes in most things, are hella-fun to hang out with(aka not uncomfortably couply) and encouraging of the other in achieving goals. We also have dreams of adventuring and regardless of when in life we'll get to do them, I'm enjoying the small ones we have, plus the guy makes me happy.
Anways, blah blah blah, summer ended, back to Tumblers, started loathing Tumblers, looked for a new job, got a kick-ass, incredibly well-paying(tip-wise) job at Hotel Saskatchewan and am working part-time at Tumblers. At the start of next year I plan to kick Tumblers to the curb, because I can just feel how unhappy the place makes me and my ties there are slowly loosening. Strangely enough, the one I'll miss the most may be Jim, the crazy 50-year-old guy who's been yelling at me for years. We've hit a comfortable place where he finally trusts me and I'll miss that.
Regardless of work, I know that I'll be applying for Journalism as soon as I finish up my portfolio, and hopefully be back in school in September. If not in Regina, I'll be applying elsewheres as well. I realized today that I've been straight-up serving for the past 7 months, with no more than 3 days off at a time. In the new year I plan on taking some holidays and getting some quality time in with my man, maybe going on a little tripski. After a year of making a bunch of money(and buying a '06 Ford Focus and paying it off within 10 months), I feel I've earned some sort of release.
Anyways, this has been incredibly long, but hey, so was my fucking year! A lot has happened, and I've grown a ton. I finally see my future as something within reach and I'm totally done with this "taking some time off of school" phase. People said I'd get comfortable making money and not go back, but I've spent this past year wishing I was back in school, and definitely have not been comfortable most of the time! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my intelligent and classy fan base!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Smart People Are Better at Relationships
I've spent some time mentally comparing the dating lives of the people I usually hang out with--who are well educated, do no hard drugs, party occasionally-- with people that are less educated, party more and do more drugs. Essentially, that would be the dating life of many of my University-educated friends versus my past coworkers.
Guess which group involves less tears, less breakups and less drama? Some of the stories I've heard are so insane that I need to take a step back. To some extent we all enjoy other people's drama but my coworkers pushed it beyond entertaining to grotesque. If I changed the title of this post to "dating", hell yeah those people would be the best. Dumb people, yes, I'm throwing it out there, are better at finding "the one", and falling in love within a month, and creating endless chaos, and then moving onto the new "one", and being blissful and miserable and elated and destroyed. It's easy to find someone to be your everything when your criteria don't go far beyond looks and the right place and time.
The term 'smart' that I've used thus far is really vague. I don't mean to insult the ones that I'm refering to as 'dumb', although there's really no chance that they'll be reading this blog, let's be honest. I suppose when I say 'smart' I follow the original guidelines of my comparison. Smart people are the university-educated folks who don't do hard drugs or party frequently, and the dumb ones aren't university-educated, party lots and/or do drugs. It makes sense that under this label, the dumb ones would be the ones who suck at long-term relationships and are more dramatic. Because they likely lack the drive that the smart ones have, they don't have as stringent of requirements for a significant other. And since they aren't focusing on smart-people issues, or studying, reading, etc, there is a lot more space and time for them to manufacture and allow incredibly dramatic situations. Instead of getting a thrill out of devouring knowledge, they get a thrill out of, say, a cheating boyfriend who keeps coming back, or a boyfriend that physically pushes. I'm not saying dumb girls enjoy pain, I'm saying that they attach themselves to people that can be negative influences. These girls are so fixated on not being lonely and their traditional vision of love that they attach emotionally to this other, and can lose themselves in the process. It seriously saddens me, but it also frustrates me because I can see these people putting themselves in the position to set it up.
I know that the term love means different things to everyone, but I have doubts that the people that dive into relationships like this really have an understanding of the term they so easily throw out.
I know that my real-world experience is limited in the relationship department. I still suspect that my expectations of dating--my standards and my hopes-- were more advanced than those of people who had been serial dating since late elementary school. In fact, I think I had an edge on those folks. I have a strong sense of self. I know what I want out of life and had the opportunity to ponder these things free of someone else's influence before any gentlemen came along to sweep me off my feet.
You know what I think stands as the theme of what I've written here thus far? Smart girls want Mr. Right, the not-so-smart ones want Mr. Right Now.
To the more fun part, I shall move onto why smart people are better at relationships. This is a general observation, and obviously all would need to be seen in a case-by-case situation. This is also how I feel about my personal experience thus far.
Thing 1. Smart people have better criteria for someone that they want to be with. They also tend to meet people in the atmosphere that they spend most of their time, ie, school. There is more opportunity to find someone with similar interests and whether one fits into their criteria.
Thing 2. Smart people don't get carried away so easily. So I meet a guy and he's awesome and the chemistry is there, so on so forth. The smart ones do not decide they're in love because they enjoy spending time with someone. They take it for what it is, because they take the time to step back from that situation and see that a relationship takes time to unfold and there is no need to rush all of the new, exciting things.
Thing 3. We don't entirely forget the others' differences. We just only acknowledge them when they affect us. If you throw garbage out of your car when you're by yourself, that's on you. But if you do it with me, I'm gonna be pissed, and make you get it and throw it in a garbage later.
Thing 4. We don't try to change the other. Yeah, I don't like everything about you. I don't like the sound of you snoring, but from experience, I know the only way to stop that is plugging your nose, and then you get all "Oh, I can't breathe now". Annoying! But I accept it because of all the other awesome things you offer me. Us smart people, we understand that maybe, our significant other probably doesn't like every single thing about me, but they are willing to put up with it as well. It's a give and take.
Thing 5. We don't plan irrationally far into the future. We have dreams. We want to go on this incredible trip to Europe together and learn new languages, and have orgies in Amsterdam. But it's a dream. We don't talk about it every other day. We know that we won't last forever, and if we do last forever, that's fricken sweet, but,you know, statistically, it's not likely. We don't talk about having kids, or getting married, or moving in together until the appropriate time comes.
Thing 6. We are open with each other. Communication is key. If we don't talk when things are bothering us, and if we hide our true feelings, our relationship is taking a hit. If you really care about someone else, you are likely excited to keep an open dialogue. Plus, the communication thing keeps us in tune with Thing 5. We have an understanding of what time is appropriate to talk about moving in, because we've openly discussed where we're at. Boom.
I think smart people have these advantages, but I know we all face challenges, even challenges that disprove some or all of the points I just made. The great benefit we have is this: we think things through. We can step back for just a moment and decide if what we're doing is the best for us and the one we're with.
Guess which group involves less tears, less breakups and less drama? Some of the stories I've heard are so insane that I need to take a step back. To some extent we all enjoy other people's drama but my coworkers pushed it beyond entertaining to grotesque. If I changed the title of this post to "dating", hell yeah those people would be the best. Dumb people, yes, I'm throwing it out there, are better at finding "the one", and falling in love within a month, and creating endless chaos, and then moving onto the new "one", and being blissful and miserable and elated and destroyed. It's easy to find someone to be your everything when your criteria don't go far beyond looks and the right place and time.
The term 'smart' that I've used thus far is really vague. I don't mean to insult the ones that I'm refering to as 'dumb', although there's really no chance that they'll be reading this blog, let's be honest. I suppose when I say 'smart' I follow the original guidelines of my comparison. Smart people are the university-educated folks who don't do hard drugs or party frequently, and the dumb ones aren't university-educated, party lots and/or do drugs. It makes sense that under this label, the dumb ones would be the ones who suck at long-term relationships and are more dramatic. Because they likely lack the drive that the smart ones have, they don't have as stringent of requirements for a significant other. And since they aren't focusing on smart-people issues, or studying, reading, etc, there is a lot more space and time for them to manufacture and allow incredibly dramatic situations. Instead of getting a thrill out of devouring knowledge, they get a thrill out of, say, a cheating boyfriend who keeps coming back, or a boyfriend that physically pushes. I'm not saying dumb girls enjoy pain, I'm saying that they attach themselves to people that can be negative influences. These girls are so fixated on not being lonely and their traditional vision of love that they attach emotionally to this other, and can lose themselves in the process. It seriously saddens me, but it also frustrates me because I can see these people putting themselves in the position to set it up.
I know that the term love means different things to everyone, but I have doubts that the people that dive into relationships like this really have an understanding of the term they so easily throw out.
I know that my real-world experience is limited in the relationship department. I still suspect that my expectations of dating--my standards and my hopes-- were more advanced than those of people who had been serial dating since late elementary school. In fact, I think I had an edge on those folks. I have a strong sense of self. I know what I want out of life and had the opportunity to ponder these things free of someone else's influence before any gentlemen came along to sweep me off my feet.
You know what I think stands as the theme of what I've written here thus far? Smart girls want Mr. Right, the not-so-smart ones want Mr. Right Now.
To the more fun part, I shall move onto why smart people are better at relationships. This is a general observation, and obviously all would need to be seen in a case-by-case situation. This is also how I feel about my personal experience thus far.
Thing 1. Smart people have better criteria for someone that they want to be with. They also tend to meet people in the atmosphere that they spend most of their time, ie, school. There is more opportunity to find someone with similar interests and whether one fits into their criteria.
Thing 2. Smart people don't get carried away so easily. So I meet a guy and he's awesome and the chemistry is there, so on so forth. The smart ones do not decide they're in love because they enjoy spending time with someone. They take it for what it is, because they take the time to step back from that situation and see that a relationship takes time to unfold and there is no need to rush all of the new, exciting things.
Thing 3. We don't entirely forget the others' differences. We just only acknowledge them when they affect us. If you throw garbage out of your car when you're by yourself, that's on you. But if you do it with me, I'm gonna be pissed, and make you get it and throw it in a garbage later.
Thing 4. We don't try to change the other. Yeah, I don't like everything about you. I don't like the sound of you snoring, but from experience, I know the only way to stop that is plugging your nose, and then you get all "Oh, I can't breathe now". Annoying! But I accept it because of all the other awesome things you offer me. Us smart people, we understand that maybe, our significant other probably doesn't like every single thing about me, but they are willing to put up with it as well. It's a give and take.
Thing 5. We don't plan irrationally far into the future. We have dreams. We want to go on this incredible trip to Europe together and learn new languages, and have orgies in Amsterdam. But it's a dream. We don't talk about it every other day. We know that we won't last forever, and if we do last forever, that's fricken sweet, but,you know, statistically, it's not likely. We don't talk about having kids, or getting married, or moving in together until the appropriate time comes.
Thing 6. We are open with each other. Communication is key. If we don't talk when things are bothering us, and if we hide our true feelings, our relationship is taking a hit. If you really care about someone else, you are likely excited to keep an open dialogue. Plus, the communication thing keeps us in tune with Thing 5. We have an understanding of what time is appropriate to talk about moving in, because we've openly discussed where we're at. Boom.
I think smart people have these advantages, but I know we all face challenges, even challenges that disprove some or all of the points I just made. The great benefit we have is this: we think things through. We can step back for just a moment and decide if what we're doing is the best for us and the one we're with.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Journals/Diaries are a Beautiful Thing. This is Why
I write on a regular basis to myself. It is a journal of sorts. Between high school and last year I went without a real book to write in. I think my personal development flourishes when I choose to take the time to look in at myself. It is a great form of therapy and it helps me get stuff out. Sometimes I come to realizations that I hadn't noticed before. Not only is it a good release at the time of writing but it is good to look back. To know who I used to be and who I am today. Where I have failed and where I have succeeded.
My 'journal' is where I do some of my best writing. I can say this concretely since no one else will be reading it, so my opinion is the only one that matters. I say that it is some of my best writing because it is sincere. It is the most sincere I can be, probably the most sincere any person can be. Knowing that there is no audience, no one to impress, gives a writer freedom. It is the freedom of unabashed honesty, of introspection for no other reason than to understand why one does the things he/she does. I have gone into things I thought I would keep in my mind forever and never share with another soul. Things that, in my mind, made me feel like I was a bad person, like I had done something wrong that could never be forgiven. For example, there are actions I took in my childhood that were scolded harshly, but the reasons for the punishment were not explained. As a child, I felt I would forever, in the eyes of a greater power, be judged as a deviant. The act of writing out my guilty conscience let me look at them in a different way. It was an epiphone. A freeing of my soul occured when I assessed my TERRIBLE UNFORGIVABLE ACTS for what they were. They were the innocent actions of a curious child who knew no better. I was not a bad person and my future would not have a black mark on it.
In my journal I have:
- made some confessions.
- created some very cheesy diatribes.
- analyzed this and that, and why that happened or why this person did that.
- made decisions.
- made goals.
No matter what my personal writing has consisted of, it has always been devoid of inhibition. That is why it is my greatest work, and the work that I will always be the most protective of keeping from anyone else in my life, especially the ones that it would be of the most value to. I have wanted to share parts of my journal with others before. I wanted to say, "look, this is what I used to think of you, how cute is that?". But I cannot do that because it would expose parts of me that were never intended to be so. It would lead me into a vulnerable state.
With that said, I have shared a part from my journal before. In this very blog in fact. It was an impersonal mantra that I created to describe my greatest needs in a romantic relationship. An "I need" list at the end of my first blog. The reason I could share that(although I felt vulnerable even sharing this) is because it was impersonal. It was a conclusion I had drawn from pages and pages of writing that was of great value to me, value enough that I wished to share it.
Recently a friend came over and my roommate's old diary, from her at 12 years old, jumped out to the friend. Let us call him "Nosy". Nosy wanted to look into the diary and failed to understand, let us call her "Schmalandor", when she refused to let him look. He did not see how she could be protective of her 12 year old self, as if she was embarassed of her past. Schmalandor said that it is personal and the things she was and thought of then were between her and her alone. I agree entirely with Schmalandor. No one has ever read my journals(as far as I know), which I kept on a sporadic basis between the age of 12 and 18, which actually say Journal on the front so these ones are legit, homes. Who I was at different points in those journals make me incredibly sad most of the time, but above all else, they remind me of who I really am, and the journey I have made. For someone to look at my documentation in that format would be one of the most intimate things that I could allow. Whatever one can draw as a conclusion from that is out of my hands and that is the most terrifying and unnecessary thing.
My 'journal' is where I do some of my best writing. I can say this concretely since no one else will be reading it, so my opinion is the only one that matters. I say that it is some of my best writing because it is sincere. It is the most sincere I can be, probably the most sincere any person can be. Knowing that there is no audience, no one to impress, gives a writer freedom. It is the freedom of unabashed honesty, of introspection for no other reason than to understand why one does the things he/she does. I have gone into things I thought I would keep in my mind forever and never share with another soul. Things that, in my mind, made me feel like I was a bad person, like I had done something wrong that could never be forgiven. For example, there are actions I took in my childhood that were scolded harshly, but the reasons for the punishment were not explained. As a child, I felt I would forever, in the eyes of a greater power, be judged as a deviant. The act of writing out my guilty conscience let me look at them in a different way. It was an epiphone. A freeing of my soul occured when I assessed my TERRIBLE UNFORGIVABLE ACTS for what they were. They were the innocent actions of a curious child who knew no better. I was not a bad person and my future would not have a black mark on it.
In my journal I have:
- made some confessions.
- created some very cheesy diatribes.
- analyzed this and that, and why that happened or why this person did that.
- made decisions.
- made goals.
No matter what my personal writing has consisted of, it has always been devoid of inhibition. That is why it is my greatest work, and the work that I will always be the most protective of keeping from anyone else in my life, especially the ones that it would be of the most value to. I have wanted to share parts of my journal with others before. I wanted to say, "look, this is what I used to think of you, how cute is that?". But I cannot do that because it would expose parts of me that were never intended to be so. It would lead me into a vulnerable state.
With that said, I have shared a part from my journal before. In this very blog in fact. It was an impersonal mantra that I created to describe my greatest needs in a romantic relationship. An "I need" list at the end of my first blog. The reason I could share that(although I felt vulnerable even sharing this) is because it was impersonal. It was a conclusion I had drawn from pages and pages of writing that was of great value to me, value enough that I wished to share it.
Recently a friend came over and my roommate's old diary, from her at 12 years old, jumped out to the friend. Let us call him "Nosy". Nosy wanted to look into the diary and failed to understand, let us call her "Schmalandor", when she refused to let him look. He did not see how she could be protective of her 12 year old self, as if she was embarassed of her past. Schmalandor said that it is personal and the things she was and thought of then were between her and her alone. I agree entirely with Schmalandor. No one has ever read my journals(as far as I know), which I kept on a sporadic basis between the age of 12 and 18, which actually say Journal on the front so these ones are legit, homes. Who I was at different points in those journals make me incredibly sad most of the time, but above all else, they remind me of who I really am, and the journey I have made. For someone to look at my documentation in that format would be one of the most intimate things that I could allow. Whatever one can draw as a conclusion from that is out of my hands and that is the most terrifying and unnecessary thing.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Consumer Whore
So I was watching the news the other week and a piece on David Suzuki's findings on the "Dirty Dozen", twelve toxic/maybe bad for you chemicals. Turns out one or more of these chemicals can be found in approximately 80% of cosmetics sold in Canada. Long story short on the whole science-y part of that, I am researching these dirty dozen and will be, at some point, writing an article for Vision of Earth http://www.visionofearth.org/ (I can't for the life of me figure out how to link. Bear with this technology-impaired idee-ote).
That article is meant to inform. The research is arduous, even for me. But let us look at the deeper implications of the fact that we don't even know what kind of products we are putting on our faces, not to mention elsewhere(ie. shaving cream on your junk. Yes I went there). Some of the chemicals in these products have been proven, when given large doses, to cause cancer in test animals(lab rats). It's just so convoluted. What is helping to kill me? Why isn't it easy to actually find these facts?! Why is BHA labeled as a carcinogen in California and not used in products yet is legal in Canada? Why is industry allowed to get away with not listing all the chemicals in the stuff they are selling me? Why am I not allowed access to the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Well, derr folks. It's because if we knew the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, we wouldn't be buying this shit. We would not be consuming it!
We all watch commercials and that is the end game. Shiny, healthy hair? Smells like watermelons? Fuck yeah Fructis, see you at the supermarket!
Guess what, fuckers? We don't need to use shampoo. We don't need to use conditioner. I have not yet done so, but have read on numerous websites that washing hair with baking soda, and rinsing with vineger(apparently you can throw essential oils and other things for scent and hair issues, ie dryness) is fantastic for your hair. I am really amped on this concept.
It is apparent to me, from watching No Impact Man, and many of the blogs and other sources I have looked into, that going Green is so much better for an individual than the present consumer-whore lifestyle. You can go to a hair salon and drop $50 on hair products(probably more), yet I bet if you do the baking soda/vinegar wash and let your hair produce its natural oils(and shine) without stripping them with shampoos and the alcohol and other chemicals in your styling products, your hair will look just as good, probably better.
Yesterday I also looked in-depth at chemical-free skincare and such. I have strong intentions to run myself dry of the makeup, body lotions, body washes, and other crap that I presently own. I can likely give away some of my stuff because I JUST HAVE SO MUCH. I have at least a year's supply of shampoo and conditioner, and I plan on getting into that whole homemade hair-wash thing far before then.
It's kind of sad though. I changed to aluminum blah-blah-blah free deodorant about 3 months ago. Now I have about 3 half-used anti-perspirants that will never be used by anyone. I don't think anyone I know would accept that, and I don't want to give something that can cause breast cancer to someone I care about anyways! Lo and behold, they will be thrown away. I suppose I shouldn't have had so many of those to start with!
So, down to the base of the problem. The commercials. The societal perception. The fact that we don't even think there are other options because they will never be presented to us unless we actively look, or were lucky enough to be born into a family or befriend someone who can see beyond what is being sold to us and blasted into our brains so many times throughout the day.
I am not going to stop buying stuff. I am not going to make my own soap at home. I know that, I don't feel bad about it. I know that I don't have enough time in the day or ambition to do these things. We all need to learn, socialize, and make money. That doesn't leave me all the time in the world to figure out how to make environmentally-friendly alternatives.
In my learning down-time, however, I can learn things like how much money an individual can save by going green. The only cleaning supplies you will ever need: vinegar, borax, baking soda, and castile soap(I don't use castile soap, by the way, but it would help to replace dish soap and could be used in lots of other cleaning formulas). How many other cleaning supplies do you have in your house? How much money did you spend on them? How long would it actually take to throw some vinegar and water in one of your old spray bottles and use it to clean some shit? Fuck all that green-washing that tells you that cleaning products are "green". Avoid all doubt and do it yourself(and save money).
I will re-iterate. I am not going to stop buying stuff. I don't want to wear as much makeup, but I know that in my profession, I get tipped more when I look put-together and have nice curled eyelashes, and an even complexion with no bags under my eyes, and am just a wee bit sparkly. I do intend to rely more on the products I cleanse with to even out my complexion. I plan on buying all-natural products, that, from what I have read, for example, http://www.aubrey-organics.com/ProductInfo/808.aspx , work better than the chemical-laden products I presently use(my complexion is far from smooth right now). The product I linked to includes a straight-forward list of the ingredients, and they all seem great for my face, not to mention non-toxic. I am still a consumer, but I want to consume more intelligently. I don't want to buy into product hype. I want to be healthy and smart.
That article is meant to inform. The research is arduous, even for me. But let us look at the deeper implications of the fact that we don't even know what kind of products we are putting on our faces, not to mention elsewhere(ie. shaving cream on your junk. Yes I went there). Some of the chemicals in these products have been proven, when given large doses, to cause cancer in test animals(lab rats). It's just so convoluted. What is helping to kill me? Why isn't it easy to actually find these facts?! Why is BHA labeled as a carcinogen in California and not used in products yet is legal in Canada? Why is industry allowed to get away with not listing all the chemicals in the stuff they are selling me? Why am I not allowed access to the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Well, derr folks. It's because if we knew the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, we wouldn't be buying this shit. We would not be consuming it!
We all watch commercials and that is the end game. Shiny, healthy hair? Smells like watermelons? Fuck yeah Fructis, see you at the supermarket!
Guess what, fuckers? We don't need to use shampoo. We don't need to use conditioner. I have not yet done so, but have read on numerous websites that washing hair with baking soda, and rinsing with vineger(apparently you can throw essential oils and other things for scent and hair issues, ie dryness) is fantastic for your hair. I am really amped on this concept.
It is apparent to me, from watching No Impact Man, and many of the blogs and other sources I have looked into, that going Green is so much better for an individual than the present consumer-whore lifestyle. You can go to a hair salon and drop $50 on hair products(probably more), yet I bet if you do the baking soda/vinegar wash and let your hair produce its natural oils(and shine) without stripping them with shampoos and the alcohol and other chemicals in your styling products, your hair will look just as good, probably better.
Yesterday I also looked in-depth at chemical-free skincare and such. I have strong intentions to run myself dry of the makeup, body lotions, body washes, and other crap that I presently own. I can likely give away some of my stuff because I JUST HAVE SO MUCH. I have at least a year's supply of shampoo and conditioner, and I plan on getting into that whole homemade hair-wash thing far before then.
It's kind of sad though. I changed to aluminum blah-blah-blah free deodorant about 3 months ago. Now I have about 3 half-used anti-perspirants that will never be used by anyone. I don't think anyone I know would accept that, and I don't want to give something that can cause breast cancer to someone I care about anyways! Lo and behold, they will be thrown away. I suppose I shouldn't have had so many of those to start with!
So, down to the base of the problem. The commercials. The societal perception. The fact that we don't even think there are other options because they will never be presented to us unless we actively look, or were lucky enough to be born into a family or befriend someone who can see beyond what is being sold to us and blasted into our brains so many times throughout the day.
I am not going to stop buying stuff. I am not going to make my own soap at home. I know that, I don't feel bad about it. I know that I don't have enough time in the day or ambition to do these things. We all need to learn, socialize, and make money. That doesn't leave me all the time in the world to figure out how to make environmentally-friendly alternatives.
In my learning down-time, however, I can learn things like how much money an individual can save by going green. The only cleaning supplies you will ever need: vinegar, borax, baking soda, and castile soap(I don't use castile soap, by the way, but it would help to replace dish soap and could be used in lots of other cleaning formulas). How many other cleaning supplies do you have in your house? How much money did you spend on them? How long would it actually take to throw some vinegar and water in one of your old spray bottles and use it to clean some shit? Fuck all that green-washing that tells you that cleaning products are "green". Avoid all doubt and do it yourself(and save money).
I will re-iterate. I am not going to stop buying stuff. I don't want to wear as much makeup, but I know that in my profession, I get tipped more when I look put-together and have nice curled eyelashes, and an even complexion with no bags under my eyes, and am just a wee bit sparkly. I do intend to rely more on the products I cleanse with to even out my complexion. I plan on buying all-natural products, that, from what I have read, for example, http://www.aubrey-organics.com/ProductInfo/808.aspx , work better than the chemical-laden products I presently use(my complexion is far from smooth right now). The product I linked to includes a straight-forward list of the ingredients, and they all seem great for my face, not to mention non-toxic. I am still a consumer, but I want to consume more intelligently. I don't want to buy into product hype. I want to be healthy and smart.
Monday, October 11, 2010
You Should Read This Because Somewhere In Here I Encourage You to Kick My Ass
I'm presently getting myself out of a rut. It's not easy. My family is being a bunch of dicks for taking not one, but two years off of school. It makes me doubt myself and go back to that same place I always go to. Feeling inferior, like my own future isn't worth gambling on something that might fail. I had a very in-depth conversation lately with one of my (mildly intoxicated) best friends. She said that she's been sitting idly by for the past 3 years, hoping I get my shit together because I'm too smart to piss away the rest of my life.
I would do said pissing in this instance by not making positive steps towards becoming a journalist. Journalism involves writing, and it looked like it could be fun. That is why I was first drawn into this. And it didn't hurt that after 2 years of taking whatever classes I felt like, Journalism, with its fairly open 2 years of pre-j, all my credits would go towards something. Finally, after years of "so what is it you're going to school for again"'s from friends and family, I would have said I was going into Rock-climbing studies if it would get those nosy fuckers off my back(except that rock-climbing combines my two fears-heights and excercise, so really, no one would believe that one).
Here I am, 4 years later. Now with a car to my name but no closer to my actual goal, and I'm sitting here hoping that I actually follow through this time. Especially since the previously mentioned friend expressed how important it is that I stop thinking that I won't make it. How important it is that I stop being scared. On Facebook, I have two favourite quotations, both related to this, and both from one of my favourite TV shows, Scrubs. They are as follows:
"I've made so many mistakes in life just because I'm scared"
"you want to take the easy way out... because you're scared. You're scared because if you try and fail there's only you to blame... Life is scary, get used to it. There are no magical fixes, it's all up to you. So get up off your keister and go out of here and go start doing the work... Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy."
These are not the kind of quotations I want to rule my life. I don't want to make mistakes because I'm scared! That sounds terrible. And my fear is no longer that I won't get into Journalism school at U of R. Because if I don't get in, there are so many other options in this world that are open to me. My pretty sweet boyfriend helped me to break down the wall that I had unknowingly built around me. I used Journalism as the be-all and end-all. If I didn't get in, it would be even worse than saying things are on hold at the moment. It would mean saying my dreams are fucking dead. Might as well just work at Tumblers for the rest of my life, feeding sad people beer until they hit their graves while working myself into mine.
Turns out, maybe I was being a little over-dramatic. I don't need to go to J-school at U of R. Fuck, I don't even need to go to j-school at all! There are diplomas for journalism all over the country! And other areas of media are wide open to me. I'm a crazy-smart hot-ass bitch, this country is my oyster!
So guess what my fear is now that the world is open to me? Follow-through. I'm petrified that I'll just get lazy and not fill out my application on time. Or even leave it until the last minute. I'd fuck myself out of a world of opportunity just by sitting on my ass. This sounds ridiculous. But you know what? This is coming from the lady who got her passport application 8 months ago. That shit still hasn't been taken for processing yet. I'm fucked in the head. There are many other examples but they're too damaging to my reputation for me to share.
I need positive reinforcement. I had a dream last night that reminded me of how my past is a huge part of who I am today. And unfortunately my past involved me hating myself, being bullied for being overweight, feeling completely misunderstood because I didn't think the same as everyone else(overanalyzed EVERYTHING, much more than any normal kid should, generally just thought too much), feeling like a social pariah for the majority of a three-year stint, and off and on before and after that.
I've progressed so much since then. I like to think that I'm everything that I thought I couldn't be back then(except a waif. God knows I'm still not a waif). I remember being in J. Elden Bergey Elementary School, probably grade 3ish, and just wishing, yet knowing that it could never change, that I would not be so shy anymore. I am no longer a shy person. I am a server. I can get along with almost anyone. I have moments where I falter. Sometimes I get too intimidated to talk to new people because I freeze when I overthink what I'll say, and as previously mentioned, I overthink a bit. But I have faith that when push comes to shove, I can charm someone's pants off(as has been recently confirmed after I got offered a job as a server at the classiest hotel in Regina , only 2 hours post-interview).
The point of this entry is, this time next year, I better fucking be in school. If I'm not in school, anyone who sees me has full license to shake me around a bit, maybe rough me up a little bit, and remind me of what I have written here. Thank you, good eve.
I would do said pissing in this instance by not making positive steps towards becoming a journalist. Journalism involves writing, and it looked like it could be fun. That is why I was first drawn into this. And it didn't hurt that after 2 years of taking whatever classes I felt like, Journalism, with its fairly open 2 years of pre-j, all my credits would go towards something. Finally, after years of "so what is it you're going to school for again"'s from friends and family, I would have said I was going into Rock-climbing studies if it would get those nosy fuckers off my back(except that rock-climbing combines my two fears-heights and excercise, so really, no one would believe that one).
Here I am, 4 years later. Now with a car to my name but no closer to my actual goal, and I'm sitting here hoping that I actually follow through this time. Especially since the previously mentioned friend expressed how important it is that I stop thinking that I won't make it. How important it is that I stop being scared. On Facebook, I have two favourite quotations, both related to this, and both from one of my favourite TV shows, Scrubs. They are as follows:
"I've made so many mistakes in life just because I'm scared"
"you want to take the easy way out... because you're scared. You're scared because if you try and fail there's only you to blame... Life is scary, get used to it. There are no magical fixes, it's all up to you. So get up off your keister and go out of here and go start doing the work... Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy."
These are not the kind of quotations I want to rule my life. I don't want to make mistakes because I'm scared! That sounds terrible. And my fear is no longer that I won't get into Journalism school at U of R. Because if I don't get in, there are so many other options in this world that are open to me. My pretty sweet boyfriend helped me to break down the wall that I had unknowingly built around me. I used Journalism as the be-all and end-all. If I didn't get in, it would be even worse than saying things are on hold at the moment. It would mean saying my dreams are fucking dead. Might as well just work at Tumblers for the rest of my life, feeding sad people beer until they hit their graves while working myself into mine.
Turns out, maybe I was being a little over-dramatic. I don't need to go to J-school at U of R. Fuck, I don't even need to go to j-school at all! There are diplomas for journalism all over the country! And other areas of media are wide open to me. I'm a crazy-smart hot-ass bitch, this country is my oyster!
So guess what my fear is now that the world is open to me? Follow-through. I'm petrified that I'll just get lazy and not fill out my application on time. Or even leave it until the last minute. I'd fuck myself out of a world of opportunity just by sitting on my ass. This sounds ridiculous. But you know what? This is coming from the lady who got her passport application 8 months ago. That shit still hasn't been taken for processing yet. I'm fucked in the head. There are many other examples but they're too damaging to my reputation for me to share.
I need positive reinforcement. I had a dream last night that reminded me of how my past is a huge part of who I am today. And unfortunately my past involved me hating myself, being bullied for being overweight, feeling completely misunderstood because I didn't think the same as everyone else(overanalyzed EVERYTHING, much more than any normal kid should, generally just thought too much), feeling like a social pariah for the majority of a three-year stint, and off and on before and after that.
I've progressed so much since then. I like to think that I'm everything that I thought I couldn't be back then(except a waif. God knows I'm still not a waif). I remember being in J. Elden Bergey Elementary School, probably grade 3ish, and just wishing, yet knowing that it could never change, that I would not be so shy anymore. I am no longer a shy person. I am a server. I can get along with almost anyone. I have moments where I falter. Sometimes I get too intimidated to talk to new people because I freeze when I overthink what I'll say, and as previously mentioned, I overthink a bit. But I have faith that when push comes to shove, I can charm someone's pants off(as has been recently confirmed after I got offered a job as a server at the classiest hotel in Regina , only 2 hours post-interview).
The point of this entry is, this time next year, I better fucking be in school. If I'm not in school, anyone who sees me has full license to shake me around a bit, maybe rough me up a little bit, and remind me of what I have written here. Thank you, good eve.
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