You Should Read This Because Somewhere In Here I Encourage You to Kick My Ass

I'm presently getting myself out of a rut. It's not easy. My family is being a bunch of dicks for taking not one, but two years off of school. It makes me doubt myself and go back to that same place I always go to. Feeling inferior, like my own future isn't worth gambling on something that might fail. I had a very in-depth conversation lately with one of my (mildly intoxicated) best friends. She said that she's been sitting idly by for the past 3 years, hoping I get my shit together because I'm too smart to piss away the rest of my life.

I would do said pissing in this instance by not making positive steps towards becoming a journalist. Journalism involves writing, and it looked like it could be fun. That is why I was first drawn into this. And it didn't hurt that after 2 years of taking whatever classes I felt like, Journalism, with its fairly open 2 years of pre-j, all my credits would go towards something. Finally, after years of "so what is it you're going to school for again"'s from friends and family, I would have said I was going into Rock-climbing studies if it would get those nosy fuckers off my back(except that rock-climbing combines my two fears-heights and excercise, so really, no one would believe that one).

Here I am, 4 years later. Now with a car to my name but no closer to my actual goal, and I'm sitting here hoping that I actually follow through this time. Especially since the previously mentioned friend expressed how important it is that I stop thinking that I won't make it. How important it is that I stop being scared. On Facebook, I have two favourite quotations, both related to this, and both from one of my favourite TV shows, Scrubs. They are as follows:

"I've made so many mistakes in life just because I'm scared"

"you want to take the easy way out... because you're scared. You're scared because if you try and fail there's only you to blame... Life is scary, get used to it. There are no magical fixes, it's all up to you. So get up off your keister and go out of here and go start doing the work... Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy."

These are not the kind of quotations I want to rule my life. I don't want to make mistakes because I'm scared! That sounds terrible. And my fear is no longer that I won't get into Journalism school at U of R. Because if I don't get in, there are so many other options in this world that are open to me. My pretty sweet boyfriend helped me to break down the wall that I had unknowingly built around me. I used Journalism as the be-all and end-all. If I didn't get in, it would be even worse than saying things are on hold at the moment. It would mean saying my dreams are fucking dead. Might as well just work at Tumblers for the rest of my life, feeding sad people beer until they hit their graves while working myself into mine.

Turns out, maybe I was being a little over-dramatic. I don't need to go to J-school at U of R. Fuck, I don't even need to go to j-school at all! There are diplomas for journalism all over the country! And other areas of media are wide open to me. I'm a crazy-smart hot-ass bitch, this country is my oyster!

So guess what my fear is now that the world is open to me? Follow-through. I'm petrified that I'll just get lazy and not fill out my application on time. Or even leave it until the last minute. I'd fuck myself out of a world of opportunity just by sitting on my ass. This sounds ridiculous. But you know what? This is coming from the lady who got her passport application 8 months ago. That shit still hasn't been taken for processing yet. I'm fucked in the head. There are many other examples but they're too damaging to my reputation for me to share.

I need positive reinforcement. I had a dream last night that reminded me of how my past is a huge part of who I am today. And unfortunately my past involved me hating myself, being bullied for being overweight, feeling completely misunderstood because I didn't think the same as everyone else(overanalyzed EVERYTHING, much more than any normal kid should, generally just thought too much), feeling like a social pariah for the majority of a three-year stint, and off and on before and after that.

I've progressed so much since then. I like to think that I'm everything that I thought I couldn't be back then(except a waif. God knows I'm still not a waif). I remember being in J. Elden Bergey Elementary School, probably grade 3ish, and just wishing, yet knowing that it could never change, that I would not be so shy anymore. I am no longer a shy person. I am a server. I can get along with almost anyone. I have moments where I falter. Sometimes I get too intimidated to talk to new people because I freeze when I overthink what I'll say, and as previously mentioned, I overthink a bit. But I have faith that when push comes to shove, I can charm someone's pants off(as has been recently confirmed after I got offered a job as a server at the classiest hotel in Regina , only 2 hours post-interview).

The point of this entry is, this time next year, I better fucking be in school. If I'm not in school, anyone who sees me has full license to shake me around a bit, maybe rough me up a little bit, and remind me of what I have written here. Thank you, good eve.