Happiness

I think work makes people unhappy. If at the end of the day you can say it is fulfilling, then it is worth it. I work to make money. I enjoy serving a decent amount but it does not fulfill me. I do not like workplace politics and I do not enjoy the greed and selfish behavior I have encountered since I started serving at the Hotel.

Tumblers, as it presently stands, makes me feel fulfilled. I know that when I am there I am helping the business out. I dedicate my time to leaving the place better than when I got there. I can be comfortable and bitchy and whatever I want to be there, specifically with my customers. I am not under a microscope. And ever since I went part-time I get treated with the respect I never got when I was full-time. I attribute that to me being an honest, hard worker and them realizing how few and far between those are. I originally intended to quit there when I got the job at Hotel Saskatchewan, but things have gone so well in the 4 months since I started there that I couldn't imagine quitting at Tumblers. Mind you, if I was there more than one day a week or so, I would be singing a different tune.

Anyways, many of the servers at the Hotel are in their 50s. They have been there for 30 years or more. They are INSANE. We only have enough cutlery to make it through a breakfast sitting before the cutlery must be washed and polished(the servers do the polishing). Because these women want to do as little work as possible and I imagine feel entitled to it, they HIDE polished cutlery in a variety of different credenzas and other locations in the dining room so that they have a stash of cutlery that is already polished. They also feel that if they brought items out to the credenza from the back, such as saucers or teacups, or even Radisson pens, that these items are theirs, yes, these items that belong to the Hotel Saskatchewan Radisson Plaza belong to them! No one else can use them. Never mind that there are limited quantities of these things, and when I bring stuff out they feel more than welcome to use them.

Another problem I encounter is that we have different sections that we serve. So regularly, these women will herd new tables to their section whenever the host is either not there or away from their station so that they will make more tips than me. The women also never smile. They are always in a rush, one of them always has a "deer in headlights" look on her face when I work with her and leaves our shared station (although if you asked I'm sure she'd say it's 'hers', because these women are nut jobs) in a completely unacceptable mess everytime she touches it. This is fine dining, and all the daytime servers in the dining room are so precoccupied with money, seniority and a sense of superiority that the customer is more of a casualty than a priority.

There are certain times where I enjoy working at the Hotel Sask. For example, when I work supper shifts. My usual coworker, Dora, has been at the hotel for I think over 30 years. She is very particular and testy at times. But she CARES about the customer. She can talk to anyone, she has an adorable Greek accent and gives good service. I enjoy when I work in the lounge instead of the dining room as well. The general attitude is less formal, there is a team atmosphere instead of an "every man for himself" attitude. And no one hides anything! (oh yeah, we also set tables differently in the dining room from breakfast to lunch. The ladies will start setting for lunch by 8:30am so that they use all the easily-accessible wine/water glasses before you do. Before they set, they will hide said items in adjacent unused rooms so you can't use them).

I guess what I'm saying is that overall I am unhappy with my present full-time job. Serving will always involve bullshit politics, whether it's because your boss prefers some girls over others, or, like me, you work with crazy women in the mid-50s/60s. It comes with some great perks(union job, which means health coverage, a raise every 3 months, free training in things that will benefit me beyond this job), but it wears at me. I'll give it some time and see if the pros outweigh the cons. Everyone there treats me like I'll be there for a long time, but at the very least, I will become part-time in fall. And at the most, I will no longer be living in Regina and thus will quit there. Why does work have to be so difficult?

Cat Love

Alana's bloggy blog

Those were our foster cats. We took care of Sunshine for about 5 months and Onyx for 4. They were a part of our household. Although we had one foster cat before them, Jasmin was only with us for less than a month.

As a child, my parents insisted that we not get pets. It made me incredibly sad and I never understood why. Today, those feelings are only heightened. Having a pet(or pets) as a child would have been wonderful for me, and for my brothers. So of course, I was excited when Alana proposed fostering cats(all the fun, only part of the responsibility!). Once we got Kyle on board with promises of keeping the house clean and always cleaning up after the cat(which we never really kept to a full extent, but we did improve), we started fostering. It was great. Having pets is everything I dreamed it to be, one of those rare experiences in life that lives up to and exceeds all expectations. I love having a cute cat cuddling up to me just wanting some petting and attention.

After some effort, with Alana attending an "open house" of sorts for cat adoption under the organization People for Animals, we achieved success in getting Onyx adopted on the spot. And two days ago, even Sunshine, our timid little Sunshine, got adopted. This was a great success, mainly due to Alana's campaigning on their behalf. Two black cats getting adopted instead of getting passed on to another foster home or under the People for Animals' roof is a major accomplishment. I am so happy that Fatty and Kitty got adopted and now have forever homes. And so close to us moving. It really is great.

I am sad that they are gone. I miss cuddling with kitties. Being in a long-distance relationship, it is a nice way to show affection for something during away-times(Alana didn't like it very much when I started petting her). I accept that the situation is the best way for things to have gone. The main thing that I feel sad about is that there are other cats out there, cold and mistreated, or both. We did a good thing by being interim caretakers for those cats. But there are more cats out there that need a warm home. And I can no longer provide that. I can't keep a cat in my new place.

So yeah, to those of you out there who can, please foster or adopt animals in need. Because I cannot.

Success

I'm a grown-up now. I've been one for quite some time but I'm finally owning it. I can feel it everyday, when I walk to work, when I choose to drive out to the mall because there is something I really need in my car(that I chose to buy, went through the loan process and paid off within 10 months). When I applied for my Passport. When I overcame a giant mental block and applied for Journalism School. When I was searching for a new place to live and called apartments and looked at places and did all these things.

People get so whiny all the time about being an adult. Oh bills, oh school is so hard, everything is so much more difficult than it used to be. These choices are beautiful. I came across a lot of things in my life by chance. And some of the best things were just random decisions I made. But these thing are mine, and they have made me into the person I am.

One thing that makes me really happy is where I live. It's a kind of life that I never imagined I could live when I lived with Caitlin and Brent, or in Gladmyr Park. I can just walk around after work. Just walk around downtown and walk here and walk there, and no car necessary, ever. And in spring and summer I could bike here or walk there, whatever I want. It is the kind of life I lived when I was in Montreal, and thought was such an amazing thing. I thought nothing could compare. Perhaps Regina is not as culturally diverse, as French, as socially vibrant. But people can live in a similar fashion in this city. I do have a car, and I use it much more often than I really want to, but I have been advancing on that front with some hard work.

People in Regina are dead-set on the idea of driving everywhere, of living in their certain way and are tied into that mindset. It is frustrating and it pulls me down. I cannot wait for spring, when I can really bike everywhere with no excuses. I am moving away from downtown at the end of February. It will be a test for me. It is a lot easier when you're in the middle of the action to not drive on a regular basis.

Being an adult gives me this choice. I have been changing for the better. It makes me happy. As does buying chocolate milk whenever I want(not too often or else you won't savour it, this is a lesson adult Chelsea had to learn on her own). I am content.

I Made It

I have been so scared of moving forward for a long time. I have a giant, irrational fear of rejection, or that I will destroy opportunities that I get. Perhaps also a fear that I won't fit in. Sometimes I think I grew up just fine and I've gotten past my social problems. I'm not. They will always be there. My brain works differently from other people's, and sometimes, maybe not all the time, it shows. I'm over-analytical. My jokes are just a little different from other people's. I think I'm more scared of people, of a change of atmosphere from that which I am accustomed, of having to meet new people, than I am of actually succeeding.
I feel like people don't have enough time to add me into their lives. I don't go simple step-by-step when I meet people. I jump to the thought of "where would I fit in?", "I'm not good enough", and one of my biggest thing is I AM NOT GOOD AT SMALL TALK. It takes me a long time to really bond with others. I know that once someone really gets me, I'm in. Stuck like glue. People get attached to me. It's not an instant magnetism, that's for sure, but I do have a strange lasting effect.
I am so sure that people won't get me, or won't like me, that I put up a facade. It is not intentional. It is a protective instinct. Probably conceived when I was picked on a lot in my younger years. I look like a snob, a bitch. Stand-offish. It is because I don't know how to strike up a conversation. I honestly have this total mental block when it comes to simple introductions. Sitting here, I can think of so many things that could start people talking. Where do you work, are you in school, etc etc. People fucking love talking about themselves. I fucking love talking about myself, why wouldn't they? Just ask them anything! But in the moment, I freeze. It's sad and it is something I need to overcome. I immediately assume the worst, imagine the worst possible thing happening and it ruins all chance.
I have had really good times. In certain situations I am doing really well. I think it may be because it's the middle of winter, a sad time, that I'm dwelling and failing at this.
I started this blog wanting to toot my own horn but ended up with this terribly scathing review of one of my biggest flaws. That's too bad. I overcame a huge mental struggle today. But that blog will wait. Or maybe it'll never happen. I'm a very bizarre person. I build things up in my head. I should do more drugs or something. Maybe talk to someone who understands people's brains. Meh, whatever. I'm sure this feeling will pass and I'll manage to connect with normal people all the time. I'm only 22, there's a whole lifetime of change ahead. Ps, this blog explains why I've been questioning if I should be a server anymore. I am very emotionally-driven and it's hard for me to hide those feelings all the time. This blog sucks. Thanks for reading.

Sitting on Top of A Mountain

Holy crap I love that song. Harkens me back to summer. The lyrics are sooo good and it's awesome that something with substance managed to be popular. That is not actually the point of the blog but I'm listening to that song again because I still haven't gotten enough of it although I heard it almost every day during summer.

The reason for this blog is because the times they are a'changing. And I have heard that song. Pretty much, a new chapter in my life is preparing to unfold in front of my eyes. My application for j-school will be handed in in a few days. I will be moving at the end of February. Do I love that we are in a high rise? Yes I certainly do, but it's also easy to forget to look out the window and realize how nice things look outside our 10th floor when all these other things piss us off. And the view isn't worth it. The costs outweigh the benefits.
A) apartment lady is a beeotch
B) we're already paying A LOT for our place, and rent will be up if we resigned a lease, plus we'd have to pay "pet rent". Bullshit! pet rent? f off, we paid a deposit, pet rent is reduntant and a money grab. Plus I pay 70 a month for my parking spot(the joys of downtown livin'
C)My bedroom is more like an office. Separating my bedroom from the living room is a wall, with a closet door in the middle. The closet door would allow an office to be opened and give access to the living room. Needless to say, I DO NOT want a closet door giving access to my bedroom. To make this feel more like a bedroom, we blocked the closet door shut with some giant foam insulation-type things, and covered that with a curtain. That still doesn't eliminate noise from the living room from blasting straight into my room. It f'ing sucks.
D) My room is in between the living room(with little sound protection, as mentioned) and Kylana's room. As you can guess, this leave little privacy for all three of us. My cry-sturbating requires me to stifle my tears and sobs with a pillow! Geez.

I'm stressed out already, have been for half a month. I started doing a decent clean today and will be cleaning throughout the month and trying to organize the clutter we've allowed to build up over the past year. Right before the move Chris and I are going on a trip to Winnipeg(our first trip together, it's been over 2 months in the making!). So I will need to get my shit in order before then.

It is presently my belief that Alana and Kyle will be moving into a condo that a friend of their's will be buying, as he'll have a spare room and will need some extra money after the move. So I will be branching out on my own(which will be the first time I've ever been full-on solo). I'm not sure if I want to live on my own, which will be more expensive, or find people looking for roommates. The search will be on in a big way at the start of Feb, since most people haven't given their month's notice at their present places yet.

This is an exciting new endeavor for me, to have some more independence and to experience the city toute-seule. But it also comes at a time when there are a lot of things happening in my life. Luckily moving out on my own means I won't have as much stuff to haul, since Kylana's excessive amount of belongings take up most of the apartment.

In summation, next month will be a big one for me. It'll involve looking at new apartments, cleaning, organizing, my big trip with Chris, getting anxious about whether I'll get accepted into j-school, and of course, work. I look forward, but with a few fingers over my eyes for me to peak through.

Inside Outside Feelings

I had a very short-lived flu over the weekend and for one reason or another I have been a mild emotional wreck during and since then. I'm past the times of questioning my future, or mourning my loneliness, which were my old faithfuls. So apparently now my masochistic mind has begun to go deeper, and into a more sordid territory. It's doing a rather thorough character attack at some of my most sensitive areas.

I'm hoping, and assuming this is only a temporary hormonal situation but I'm feeling like a shitty person right now. And am being very self-pitying, but only in private. I've been thinking and writing things that make my eyes well up with tears for fear that they are true. I'm questioning things I never questioned before, that I never had any doubt in my mind were right. I'm wondering the consequences of things I've done in the past. I feel shifty, secretive, and completely trapped by old habits. I have things that I should have let go. That I thought would be SO EASY to let go. And for a little while I would just let them slip my mind. Then the waters start to get a little choppy, and I'm right back, clinging to them like a safety blanket(or, if you prefer a metaphor that makes sense, a life raft). It makes me feel weak and it makes me feel out of control. I know this is so vague that you could poke your eyes out with a pencil. As if that would make it more clear, dummy! Now you have no eyes to see if I start making more sense later! I'm just expressing myself ok!? This isn't for you!

I said that I think this is hormonal because of hints leading me to believe so, not based on a completely random hunch(also not due to anything lady-time related). When left to my thoughts today at work I became embroiled in my misery and confusion. But when I was with customers, I was very charismatic. I had a good time serving people and was ever chattier than usual, and not even bitchy about things I usually would be. Yet, when left to my own devices, I returned to my self-loathing. I'm assuming that interaction with others took me out of the negative headspace, hence why I was enjoying it.

Back to my feelings. I feel disconnected and I haven't had any in-depth conversations in awhile. I haven't even craved any, which is uncommon for me. Even normal communication with people I usually care for doesn't matter to me right now. I feel like I have to sort things out but I won't say it outright in any way because most of the time I don't know what it is I need to sort or if sharing what I think I need to sort is a good idea when I'm in such a strange emotional state. I'm going to not hold too much clout in what's going on in my head for the time being, but if some of the things up there remain, it's possible that things are really fucked up.

One thing that pisses me off is irrational, but still helps to prove another point that I came up with immediately after realizing it was irrational, which justifies the pissed-offedness I was feeling. That thing is, hey, jerk, thanks for noticing that I'm being weird! Oh wait, not! Because you didn't. At all. I'm feeling like I did when I was a kid. When my brothers would bug me and then I'd go into the bathroom and sob and mourn my broken heart with loud howls. And when I could hear them starting to act normal again, I would howl even louder, because you don't ignore a sad Chelsea!
"God forbid you ignore me, how would you feel if I wasn't even here anymore to howl, if I just, just ran away?! Then you'd notice me. Only in my absence would you notice what you're missing!" -- that is, verbatim, what little kid Chelsea would scream at her brothers. And that is how big kid Chelsea is feeling in her head. Except how could I ask you to notice? It would be impossible, it's so intrinsic, I haven't even given a hint until right now.

And that is what the written form of inside out feelings look like.

Something Different

Yes, I made New Year's Resolutions. They are things that I am very likely to keep. Instead of doing a blog post about that, I've decided to make a different kind of post:

THINGS I'M HAPPY I DID IN 2010

- I became a better roommate and a better communicator with roommates. I clean often. I express my problems instead of bottling them up. I do tend to throw my bag and jacket on the floor when I get home from work, but other than that, I respect shared living space and do my part in keeping things habitable.

- I worked with Alana to foster cats. By 'work' I mean, she did almost everything. But I'm happy we started it and I have a great appreciation for pets and a strong sense of compassion for those who are mistreated in this world. And now we have two well-loved cats with us just waiting to go into a forever home.

- I focused on my future in a way I never have before. I decided that if I don't risk something, I will never make it anywhere, and I have way too much potential to help this world to spend another year being just a waitress. I am fortunate to have the brains and a capacity to share some of what's in it with the world. I have a vision, and I plan on pursuing it in a Journalism program. For reals.

- I made it through the summer. I didn't enjoy my summer, but it gave me some skills and in the midst of all the chaos the grounds for a strong relationship were formed.

- I allowed myself to believe that there was someone out there for me instead of being petrified that there couldn't be and I'd be alone forever. Because I put myself out there, I got what I wanted for years. A boyfriend I could be honest with, accepts me(and vice versa), who encourages me to be a better person and who reminds me that even when I feel it, I'm not alone.

- I ALMOST went cold turkey on Walmart. When I moved downtown, I was at least a 15 minute drive from any Walmart. And they opened a new "SuperWalmart" that is terribly unsatisfying in Harbour Landing. Every time I went there last year, something shitty happened, ie they didn't have what I wanted, were understaffed, etc. These factors helped me to almost kick the habit that was fostered when I lived a 3 minute walk away from Walmart for 3 years. However, I did get a gift card from Walmart for Christmas, so I will be returning. I'm happy with the progress.

- I stopped buying cosmetics/ toiletries that I didn't need. Buying these things is fun. I love the smell of new shampoos and I love new makeup, just like most girls. But I haven't bought a new shampoo or conditioner in over 10 months. I've been using the excessive amount of stuff I ALREADY HAVE. I do still buy mascara and concealer, but that is all I've bought for makeup in the past 6 months. I'm proud of my restraint and my choice to consume less.

- I have flourished socially. I have always been shy. Since high school I have forced myself out of my shell and although I have awkward moments, and have a hard-to-read tone of voice, I know that I have made huge steps. As a kid, I thought I was confined to a life of being too afraid to talk, and I strongly remember that fear. I am so happy I've overcome it.

- I experimented with a hallucinogenic. Everyone can have their opinions on this. I've only done it once(it was Psilocybin, aka magic mushrooms), and it was an enlightening experience. I'll never forget the sensations of that night and the wonder that the world held to me. I'll also never forget how beautiful the world looked to me in the weeks following. It was a spiritual experience, and I'm happy that I got to look at the world through a different lens.

- I chose to do what was best for me instead of letting Tumblers rule my life. I actively searched for jobs and succeeded in getting a great job as a server at Hotel Saskatchewan. I make amazing-good money and get treated fairly(not to mention legally) at the Hotel. I still work about once or twice a week at Tumblers so that I'm still working fulltime hours(not getting quite 40 hrs a week at Hotel Sask), but it's on my own terms, not theirs.

- I took control of my finances. I saved like never before in 2010. I built my credit back up, and now fully own a quality car. In spring I plan on taking a tropical vacation with friends. I'm also doing well on paying off my student loans at present.

So those were some of my greatest triumphs of 2010. There are more, but that was all I could think of right now. Good night, my Logical following