Close Your Eyes

Today in class we had a student-led presentation on the subject of trauma in journalism. At one point we were asked to close our eyes. Imagine a traumatic experience you've had. The way it was presented really did take you into that moment and into how you dealt with it. As we all have, I've been through some stuff. But my mind went to something strange in that moment.

When I was in about grade 7 I was climbing the stairs with my class after some sort of event. Maybe a gym class outside or something. And a guy behind me said something along the lines of "shouldn't take the stairs at the same time as Chelsea, I can feel the earth quake". This, of course, was only one instance of many when that happened to me when I was younger. But I remember it full and clear. I remember above all else that feeling you get. The feeling I got time and time again where I was ashamed to be myself. Where I had no voice and just pretended I couldn't hear anything. Just prayed to be invisible.

And then we were asked how we dealt with that. I dealt with it by hating my peers. I hated where I was, and my lack of freedom. How I was treated when I was reaching adolescence absolutely affected me and will continue to for the rest of my life. Fat, ugly, boyish, loner, leach.

I cannot change how I dealt. I vowed to rise above that town. To rise above everyone who set out to tear me down. It might be a wrong motive but it's a motive to succeed. I grew from an awkward child to an attractive young woman. I am proving my intelligence, skills and dedication.

When I worry that I won't succeed now, I remind myself of what I have riding on it. I refuse to fade into the background. My insecurities are a part of my past. I can't be a journalist without confidence, without ideas, without passion. I need to set myself apart from everyone else if I want to get ahead.

I've come a long way from that staircase. I'm the only person I know from my school to become a journalist. I never foresaw this but there are no words to describe how elated I am about it.

Powerful Women

I must admit that the women I admire the most haven't reported on the most important things in the world. They aren't the leaders of nations. They aren't scientists. I give those women props, but in all honesty, they aren't the women I look up to.

I admire women comedians. Samantha Bee, Amy Poehler, and Tina Fey are my idols. They also happen to be incredibly strong women. They are amazing at what they do. I respect how far they've made it in a male-dominated profession. I respect how unbelievably modest they are. Seriously, if I ever met any of these women I would be obligated to tell them how much I look up to them. They are so fucking funny. Their sense of humour is obviously rubbing off on tv viewers(Sam Bee caught my respect with her book, so I'm just talking about Poehler and Fey). Fey's book, Bossypants was funny. Not Samantha Bee-type piss my pants laughing, but funny. Bossypants was actually focused on feminism. The kind of feminism that hasn't been beaten to death by Hannah Arendt, just practical, real-life power, equality and REALITY.

I realize that my career path is very different from their's. But I can't help but feel proud for the strong women they represent.

I am incredibly picky about the women I look up to. A girl a few years younger than me ran for the NDP in the last election. I was pretty drunk when I was hanging out around her, but beyond admiring that she had the courage to try, I couldn't help but think of so many women with more knowledge, life experience, and passion than she had.

Perhaps the stereotypes about women are being reinforced in politics. In a recent news story, Laura Ross, the Regina-Qu'appelle Sask. Party MLA said that it would be great if there were more women but the most important thing is having MLAs that are qualified. And you know what, she is right. I hate saying it.

But the women that are more qualified than all those fucking men aren't running! I think that's the biggest problem in this province and in this country. Women don't feel like they're good enough. And in the baby boomer age of politicians, that is the trend. I think the future looks bright for women. My roomy is always talking about how awesome it is that Niki Ashton is running for NDP leadership. This seems alright to me, however I just don't know anything about her yet. Gotta do some research.

Anyways, I'm not sure what the point of that was, but I do know that what I said fully represents how I feel. Bye y'all!

Weak Spots

School progresses along at a steady clip. I am never without things to do, just without interest in doing the things I should. It's hard to find motivation sometimes, especially when I know that I have more time another day to do it(although on that day I'm going to want to do it just as little as I did the day before).
I am certainly learning a lot, about interviewing, radio stories, tv stories, writing, researching, and, of course the laws which I must follow as a journalist. Most of these are through practical application, for example, last week I produced a radio story. This week with two partners I am producing a TV story. However, interviewing is a whole new thing.

Tonight I interviewed a political candidate for an assignment. We did research on our candidate and chose a topic for our interview. But no matter how much I prepared, there's no way that I could have been ready for the challenges of my first interview(it was to be in the format of a live radio interview, and to be about 7 minutes long).

I failed to do some key things that I had been told in class, but didn't think would be a problem. Ie, the political candidate's campaign manager was in the room with us. I should have told the manager that the interview was to only include myself and my interviewee, thus the manager should not speak because his voice would be in my audio. He did talk, although very occassionally. I did not feel in control of my interview though. Part of that was just about how nervous I was, but also the manager being there, and I let my candidate hold the mic when he was answering questions. I should have held onto it. By letting him hold the mic, I was surrendering some of my power, and although I'm not sure that he felt that way, I sure did.

Anyways. Interviewing people for a print assignment, or even for a tv or radio story, is just completely different from this. You need to be able to think on your toes, clearly ask a question and be able to get a clear and concise response, and in an accountability interview, you need to cover all your bases. I definitely feel that this interview was one of the hardest things I've done yet. It's so spontaneous, uncontrolled, and just crazy. Essentially, all aspects are up to you, and you need to exert complete control over the situation. This is obviously something that I need to work on.

I will not do well on this assignment. But I am learning and have room to improve. I need to be ok with that.

My New Life

Things have changed SO MUCH in my life. I can't say for sure when it started. Things constantly changed, whether it was moving to the apartment in the sky, getting hired on at the Hotel, starting a relationship. I think I finally sought out my own happiness when I started dating Chris.

I am now progressing much more rapidly than ever before. I'm facing new things everyday, and the most notable is that it's not just one aspect of my life that has changed. For example, in the past I got a new job... so my workday changed. I moved, so where I lived changed. But now almost every hour of my day that isn't spent sleeping is different. I can't go visit Chris on my day off.. because I'm not really getting days off. I'm always doing schoolwork or working, or am in class.

My days revolve around school not work. It is stressful, and the most work I've ever had to do while in school. I felt on the edge yesterday and the day before. Thought I was going to go home and cry later on because of how much work this all is. But it didn't take long to realize that everything I feel "behind" on, everyone else was too. I succeeded in calming myself down, even though it took a day to lower my heart rate.

Last night after our quiz in night class, most of us 3rd years went out and had some drinks. It made for a pretty great night, and it was just what I needed.

I know I can handle this now. I am using up all the potential I've been wasting or been afraid of using all these years. I may not be the best in the class, but I am determined to succeed. Also, I love what I'm working toward. I have never actually had a final goal. Having one now makes my troubles worthwhile. Also... I can't wait to be published so all the people who were dicks to me when I was younger can go suck lemons when they see how far I've gone. I can't wait to see my name in print, or on the news, or wherever. It makes me giddy.

Jim

I've worked at Tumblers a long time. The owner's father, Jim, started up the place in the mid-80s, and then passed on the reigns to his son a few years ago. I have had many ups and downs with/because of Jim. He is essentially the daytime manager there. I'd say that he's not a bad guy in the way that if you got to know Hitler really well, you might think he's not a bad guy. Luckily Jim is in his 50s and no longer owns the business so his days of inflicting horrors on people are becoming more and more rare.

As is, he is pretty much just a quirky-as-shit old guy that makes me laugh. As a man from a different era he doesn't really understand how inappropriate some of the things he says are. They are entirely innocent, but bluntly sexual in nature, usually because of how he tries to backtrack when he realizes he's starting to say inappropriate things. Here are some examples I have encountered in my time:
"You know Chelsea, you have nice lips. That's not sexual. I mean, it could be. But that's not how I meant it!"
"You know, I mentioned this to Jen(a cook at Tumblers) already so it's not harrassment. When did you start dressing sexy? What's with that shirt you're wearing? It's like lingerie. Is that lace? It's nice, anyways."(it was a tanktop with lace trim, not underwear. And it was not at all a slutty outfit by the way)
"Don't take this wrong, but you must be doing something different. I don't know what it is but you just look really good lately."
He also just randomly took a picture of me on his phone once. I had dressed up really nice for work(like dress shirt, tie and vest) and he said he was going to show all the other waitresses how we should be dressing. A week or so later he said his wife saw the picture and said "what the heck?" because he has no other pictures whatsoever on his phone.

Shot Myself in the Foot

Mid-August I decided to go "part-time" at the Hotel Sask. I knew I'd have to go part-time at some point so I figured, why not do it when I have some time to just hang out before I'm back in school fulltime. I was not at all aware of the huge mistake I was making. I restricted my availability according to what I wanted for the month of August, but I did not account for my school hours at that time. So, in mid-August I talked to my manager and verbally changed my availability which we wrote down but as far as I know is "unofficial". I thought this was the right step to take. I thought that if I work 2 shifts a week, I'll be ok, and I'll pick up a few hours at Tumblers then there's nothing to worry about.

AAHHHH! Such a huge mistake. Apparently by officially restricting my availability for August(I did this because I knew that that was the only way I was actually going to get time off instead of having my wishes steamrolled by management) I nullified my seniority and became a casual instead of part-time employee. Now I'm at the bottom of a totem pole and I am so fucking upset. I worked there full-time for 10 months. That now means absolutely nothing. A guy who started 3 or 4 months ago is getting the shifts he wants and I am not. How is this ok? And yet, as a part of a union, there is nothing I can do. I should have been fully aware of what this restriction meant when I created it. But here's the thing: this guy is getting all the shifts he wants. How is he getting everything without having restricted hours as well? Is it because he's a guy and my manager seems to like him?

If I had known that I could just verbally or unofficially choose when I work, then I never would have gotten into this mess. Now that our full-time staffers are coming back from holidays, my manager said that I'll be getting only one shift on the next schedule, and the only way I'll get more is if I work room service(not serving, which is where I make all the moneys). If I only work one shift a week there, I might not be able to make it through this year without financial assistance.

How could I have worked for so long to have so much uncertainty? I'm heartbroken by this failure. I was so confident at the start of August. I saw all this money in my bank account, and somehow failed to acknowledge the $5600 of that was going towards school. Not books, not food, not rent, not fun times, not liquor, not gas, not car registration. Just to be there. Soon enough my ass will be getting kicked on a regular basis. I will be working so hard to succeed in Journalism School. I know that I can make work fit into this. But if I'm fighting to get shifts as a server I'm adding unnecessary stress. Looking at my bank account is going to become an awful ritual. What the fuck have I done? Do I seriously need another job?

Tone of Voice

I don't know if I've always been like this(as in as a child) or if it just developed with time, but my tone of voice usually does not represent what I intend to convey. I sound sarcastic when I'm not being so, and when I'm making jokes people oftentimes don't get that I'm kidding. I'm happy that I am aware of this now. I haven't always been, so oftentimes people mistake me for a bitch(which, of course, I am not. I am a genuinely kind and wonderful person). Chris reminded me last night that I warned him about my tone when we first got acquainted.

I suppose that how I talk might have started out as a protective mechanism for me. I was a shy child, I was ridiculed on a regular basis. Perhaps I started talking with a natural bit of sass to try to sound fearless. Maybe in the years where I had no real friends I forgot what normal interactions were like. Who knows. All I know is that as an adult, how I speak is a hurdle that I'm getting over.

When I'm serving I don't think it's as obvious, because I put on my fake genuine smile and talk real nice. But when I meet new people, when I'm out at the bar, that's where it hits. My friends must be somewhat used to it by now.

Anyways, this quirky impediment is something that I have to live with. It's funny, I always used to be fascinated by all the options of things to say in the world. So many possibilities, yet I generally chose none of them. I'd make up grandiose speeches in my brain, I'd prove all the assholes how wrong they were about me, but I'd never actually make a peep. Fascinated by the possibilities but silenced by the fear. And now when I manage to get the words out, they so often seem to miss their mark. Wonderful.