Shot Myself in the Foot

Mid-August I decided to go "part-time" at the Hotel Sask. I knew I'd have to go part-time at some point so I figured, why not do it when I have some time to just hang out before I'm back in school fulltime. I was not at all aware of the huge mistake I was making. I restricted my availability according to what I wanted for the month of August, but I did not account for my school hours at that time. So, in mid-August I talked to my manager and verbally changed my availability which we wrote down but as far as I know is "unofficial". I thought this was the right step to take. I thought that if I work 2 shifts a week, I'll be ok, and I'll pick up a few hours at Tumblers then there's nothing to worry about.

AAHHHH! Such a huge mistake. Apparently by officially restricting my availability for August(I did this because I knew that that was the only way I was actually going to get time off instead of having my wishes steamrolled by management) I nullified my seniority and became a casual instead of part-time employee. Now I'm at the bottom of a totem pole and I am so fucking upset. I worked there full-time for 10 months. That now means absolutely nothing. A guy who started 3 or 4 months ago is getting the shifts he wants and I am not. How is this ok? And yet, as a part of a union, there is nothing I can do. I should have been fully aware of what this restriction meant when I created it. But here's the thing: this guy is getting all the shifts he wants. How is he getting everything without having restricted hours as well? Is it because he's a guy and my manager seems to like him?

If I had known that I could just verbally or unofficially choose when I work, then I never would have gotten into this mess. Now that our full-time staffers are coming back from holidays, my manager said that I'll be getting only one shift on the next schedule, and the only way I'll get more is if I work room service(not serving, which is where I make all the moneys). If I only work one shift a week there, I might not be able to make it through this year without financial assistance.

How could I have worked for so long to have so much uncertainty? I'm heartbroken by this failure. I was so confident at the start of August. I saw all this money in my bank account, and somehow failed to acknowledge the $5600 of that was going towards school. Not books, not food, not rent, not fun times, not liquor, not gas, not car registration. Just to be there. Soon enough my ass will be getting kicked on a regular basis. I will be working so hard to succeed in Journalism School. I know that I can make work fit into this. But if I'm fighting to get shifts as a server I'm adding unnecessary stress. Looking at my bank account is going to become an awful ritual. What the fuck have I done? Do I seriously need another job?

Tone of Voice

I don't know if I've always been like this(as in as a child) or if it just developed with time, but my tone of voice usually does not represent what I intend to convey. I sound sarcastic when I'm not being so, and when I'm making jokes people oftentimes don't get that I'm kidding. I'm happy that I am aware of this now. I haven't always been, so oftentimes people mistake me for a bitch(which, of course, I am not. I am a genuinely kind and wonderful person). Chris reminded me last night that I warned him about my tone when we first got acquainted.

I suppose that how I talk might have started out as a protective mechanism for me. I was a shy child, I was ridiculed on a regular basis. Perhaps I started talking with a natural bit of sass to try to sound fearless. Maybe in the years where I had no real friends I forgot what normal interactions were like. Who knows. All I know is that as an adult, how I speak is a hurdle that I'm getting over.

When I'm serving I don't think it's as obvious, because I put on my fake genuine smile and talk real nice. But when I meet new people, when I'm out at the bar, that's where it hits. My friends must be somewhat used to it by now.

Anyways, this quirky impediment is something that I have to live with. It's funny, I always used to be fascinated by all the options of things to say in the world. So many possibilities, yet I generally chose none of them. I'd make up grandiose speeches in my brain, I'd prove all the assholes how wrong they were about me, but I'd never actually make a peep. Fascinated by the possibilities but silenced by the fear. And now when I manage to get the words out, they so often seem to miss their mark. Wonderful.

Anniversary

Chris and I will have been together for about a year very soon. We aren't sure of the exact "date" of our anniversary since we weren't officially a couple until we'd visited each other a few times over the period of a month or two. But the point is, that we've definitely been together for a year this month. I have needed an excuse to go for lobster for quite some time so this anniversary is perfect.

I am very excited. I love Chris and we have so much fun together. And I love the idea of lobster. How can this not be an awesome night? We aren't the kind of couple to celebrate every little milestone so this is really our first couple-y celebration.

I wonder if we can get some free dessert for this? We give out desserts for celebrations at the Hotel.. well, not for dating, for marriage. But we can pretend?

A Good Life

I am not morbid in any way, but every once in awhile I think, if I were to die tomorrow, would that be ok? I mean to say, do I feel like I am fulfilled, do I have good memories, am I happy, am I at a good place? Of course there are things that I want to do that may not get accomplished, such as start a career, be successful, have kids, so on, so forth. But what's happened so far is amazing. Hilarious things have happened to me, I have caused hilarious things. Brent used a line from Ferris Beuller today. "I'm not gonna let some snot-nosed kid leave my cheese out in the wind", and I laughed, but couldn't remember where the quote was from. He told me that it used to be one of my favourite quotes(either at end of highschool or start of uni).

I love that other people remember things like this from our lives. It also reminds me of when I lived with Brent and Caitlin. It wasn't perfect but undeniably it was a lot of fun. We did nerdy things and have hilariously tame and eclectic memories. Me and Brent would do math at the dining room table together every night, and I'd always joke about how when I looked up I'd get distracted by the reflection of myself in the sunroom doors. Before moving in I remember joking about how Brent would use our new sunroom(when we were actually excited to have a sunroom) to learn karate. I remember being nervously excited to start school.

I've always cherished my alone time. There are lots of observations I make when I'm enjoying nature in the park, a bike ride, a car ride, winter walks(oh lord, how I loved my serene winter walks), even tonight walking to my car from Brent and Caitlin's place after a visit. I marvel in nature. I love the Earth. I love soaking in my environment.

I love new experiences. I love hanging out with people that are completely different from me, and meeting new people. The experiences I've had at parties, or in the Explore program in Montreal, those were once-in-a-lifetime. I hold dear the new and the old adventures I've had. The times I've spent with family and friends are, of course, incredibly important. I may not spend a ton of time visiting back home, but I got some mad-love for my homies.

My point here is, I can imagine a video montage of some of my favourite memories, and it's a great montage. Like when Chris and I went to Winnipeg and our hotel didn't have a hot tub, so we crammed into our room's tub and ran the shower and unplugged the tub when it would fill up too much. And guitar hero marathons of younger years. So on so forth. I have a full life. I don't think I'm missing anything except the years that are to pass, and I'm sure they'll be great too.

Fresh Start

I didn't do university exactly right the first time around. I didn't embrace the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends. I started off with stellar grades, but petered out and brought my GPA down because of it. This time around I plan on turning those things around. I know that I've only been away from school for 2 years, and to my friends that doesn't seem like a lot, but trust me, I can feel it.

Most of the kids I'll be in classes with will have encountered each other and had classes together. During that whole chunk of time I've been in the workforce. This is an advantage to me, career-wise, I think, because I've lived in the real world. However, in the social sense I'll be starting from scratch. I have become a lot better socially over the years, and I see a lot of potential in this but it is also a big fear for me. Meeting new people is not my strong suit. I get incredibly self-conscious. I revert to my childhood self, introverted, afraid to say anything because I'll embarrass myself. Essentially I just put the wall up. I am a terrible conversation starter, and I am even worse at becoming a part of a group.

I feel confident that I can turn things around. I did start up conversations with a few people I had classes with in the past and made a few buddies. Just takes getting over that initial fear, and you can move past that. I just don't want to look desperate, I think that's what's always been at my core. I want to look self-sufficient, like I don't need to talk to new people, I'm fine on my own. But in all honesty I am not. I want new things, new people, new interactions. Here's my chance.

Bikey-McBikerson

I have made a vow to try to bike for a full month. I went to visit Chris in Yorkton on Wednesday(June 8th), put $45 in my tank before I left. I do not want to have to fill up again until July 8th. I suppose that might need to get an exception since I might be driving out to Tisdale for their annual street concert, but other than that, I want to be biking wherever possible. I have only driven once in the days since Yorkton, and that was necessary for my social life.

On Friday I went for an hour and a half-long bike ride. I'm starting to really feel at home on a bike in this city, and I even own a bicycle helmet now! I may not always wear it, but I'm getting into the habit. This biking commitment will be great for me, as long as I stick to it. I already feel my legs starting to tone up. I know the pain in my upper legs is just temporary, and it's a sign that I'm getting stronger.

One more incentive is environmentally. I already have a terrible impact on the environment due to my long-distance relationship. I can at the very least try to minimize my driving to necessity. It also makes me feel more active in the enviro-hippy culture. I feel proud when I'm biking and I see other bikers. Sidenote- I think I will use STC(Sask Transportation Company) to bus to and from Chris for some of this summer. It will save me money on gas, utilize a crown corporation that is hemorrhaging money, and is better for the environment(or at least it would be if those buses ever actually filled).

Money. Biking is free, and it doesn't take that much longer than driving. I have a general rule that I will not go to Cornwall mall, or places like that in downtown, via car. I hate parking and such. Parking on a bike is WAY easier.

I also feel a sense of accomplishment for sticking to it. This morning I almost went back to sleep for 15 minutes and was gonna drive to work. But I didn't. I biked and it was great. So far so good.

Thinking Too Much

This is a strange subject, but I was just thinking about it. I have had many misadventures in "dating" in the past. I use quotations around dating because I have only been out on dates with two guys, one of which was iffy, and the other is now my boyfriend. So experience is limited, although the stories about boys are not. Sidenote: I am in a very happy and good relationship now, I was simply thinking about dating in general and how complex it is... for some people.

Now, it took me a long time to understand, perhaps until right now, why I never had much luck with males in the past. I can list all the guys that I have had crushes on over the past 5+ years, and that list is expansive. I would usually state my crush to my close female friends(which consist of about 2), and I would pine and then nothing would happen, and I would feel silly for ever even exposing that I was interested in someone when failure was inevitable. Granted, most of those interests would have turned out terribly if actually pursued, almost guaranteed. But I was an avid over-thinker. Talking to new boys would immediately make me wonder about their romantic inclinations and I never really got into making too many new male friends, because I over-think things. I've grown up since then and have made many new male friends, and I am not so self-centered to think that new guys talking to me means that they are interested in me anymore.

But the problem I mainly ran into in finding prospective males was that I think too much. It wasn't just about attraction. It was about, are they single, what does their future hold, could I actually see myself with them. I was going way too many steps past even the first date(which, as I have mentioned, I have only had two). I never know a guy's "full deal" and was never bold enough to do the obvious: just ask. That would involve exposing my interest, which would make me vulnerable. Not my style.

The way things progressed with Chris, when we first started talking, was perfect. We met on plentyoffish, and just started talking. We would chat online and discovered how well our interests matched, we had great banter, were very open(which is my weakest point usually), and things just evolved. It was the first exciting and successful romantic interaction I ever had and it was a thrill. Getting past the crush part and moving onto the next level, it was a triumph. In the past I got to the top of that hill, or the middle of the hill, or even the base, and the energy just wasn't there for me to start rolling down the other side.

There are a few males that I see occasionally that could be found on my ex-crush list(I actually don't have a list, but could construct one if the the need arose, I'm sure). I used to wonder what would have happened in other circumstances. But the truth is, I never made it over that hill with anyone but Chris for a reason. When things could have been said or done in the past, they weren't. There wasn't enough energy. I made it over that hump with Chris, and that's for a reason. It may be a terrible analogy, but I think it makes sense(it certainly clicks in my brain).

I'm growing up, and I don't need to "think" so much anymore. It's nice.