Ever felt like you have so many thoughts and so many ideas that you want to share that you can't contain it anymore? Immediately following that feeling and the urge to do something about it, ever felt so overwhelmed that you can't grasp onto a specific thing to write about? That's how I feel right now. So I'm winging it and seeing where I go. Hopefully somewhere along the way I'll find some sort of structure.
First off, while I'm writing I don't want to think about who will read this later. That will cause me to perform for a specific audience because that is just the kind of person I am. With time maybe this will change, but for now I am just throwing my thoughts out there for a faceless mass. Or a faceless nobody. That's not the point.
I'm going to start by talking about that which I think about the most: the opposite sex. I've been single my entire life. Those who know me quite well know that this hasn't always been by choice. I was a nerdy, chubby kid who was pretty socially retarded through most of elementary and high school. And my self-esteem was prrrettttyyy low, for good reason. I was picked on a lot and I let that rule my opinion of myself. That pretty much made the point in life where young ones typically have their first crushes, first kiss, first boyfriend or girlfriend, first "heart break" nonexistent for me. I was 16 before I realized that the opposite sex could even remotely be interested in me. Silly me, right? I mean, a young girl has a vagina, which is a lot more powerful than I was aware at that point in my life. All I needed was to use that as a selling point and I would have been a lot more successful with the gents in my younger years. Of course I'm happy I didn't. First, every male I knew in high school were boys that would have been remarkably wrong for me. Small towns aren't conducive in boy-hunting when you're not a typical small-town individual. Second, I totally would have become one of those girls that thinks her only value is sex. Which would have further decimated my self-confidence.
Anyways, let's skim over the details of my beyond-high school male encounters because they are generally pretty embarrassing or just plain sad. I was still astoundingly shy with the opposite sex unless there was booze involved throughout my first 2 years of university. I regret that, but I know it was the natural path. I could have benefited a lot more from the "university experience"and just thrown myself into the social world but I had just assumed everyone had their friends already and wouldn't have room for me. I know that was an incorrect, self-protective, self-deprecating thought pattern.
So where are we now? Well, I'm pretty darn self-confident, and I'll admit I was pretty frumpy in high school but have changed enough to feel attractive and unashamed of my flaws. Shadows of my old self pop up sometimes. For example, I'll feel like I'm being humored when an attractive guy starts talking to me at a bar, like they're just killing time until they see their real prey. Overall, I embrace my physical attributes. I'm not delusional enough to think I'm a 10, but we can't all be 10's. And at least I'm not an uggo. Even if I was, uggos need lovin' too.
I joke a lot about being single. It's necessary to have a sense of humour about it when ALMOST ALL of my friends are in long-term relationships. Recently my buddy Brent reminded me of a hilarious interaction that I had forgotten. One night, 2 couples and I went out for supper, let's say it was Montana's. We walked in and the host asked "For how many?", to which we responded "5". He looked at me and said "so you're alone", as in 'you don't have a significant other joining?'. I responded, as straightfaced as possible, "Yes I'm all by myself. I'm so lonely." The host responded by looking very awkward and leading us to a table. Pure gold.
I know part of each of my taken friends wishes I would find someone so I wouldn't ever feel like the odd one out. However, I still quite enjoy being the quirky fun-loving one in the group. Plus I get to recount my scintillating sexual romps to them to make them jealous while they're stuck having boring couple sex... ok, so I don't. But at least the option's there!
I find myself relating a lot of my traits with Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. She is independent to the point of being stand-off-ish, career-oriented(ok, I could only dream of being as driven as her), hi-larious, and unapologetically herself. I like to think that on my good days I am like that. I also like that she's not your typical woman in most ways, especially in relationships. I don't want to be the ohmyGod he's so dreamy, I want him, I need him, I'm going to go crazy if I don't get him game-playing girl. And I think I've managed to be the girl that wants not NEEDS a guy. This is exhibited in how awesome I am as a single lady.
I am going to share something that I wrote in my journal the other day. It's a little intimate, but I'm going all in so fuck it. I think it's kind of insightful and introspective. So here she is:
I need attraction. I need intelligence. I need quirky interactions. I need comfort. I need unique. I need butterflies. I need someone who knows how to kiss(ooh how risqué). I need someone who doesn't play games. I need someone who is straightforward. I need someone who thinks that making me happy is more important than making themselves happy (not in everything, I'm just saying that focusing on your needs and not the other says where your priorities are).
And so concludes my first ever blog entry. It wasn't what I anticipated writing but it feels good just to get some words out there. I look forward to whatever shit I end up throwing out there next time, and that feeling makes it worth it already. So good eve, Internets.
No comments:
Post a Comment