Weak Spots

School progresses along at a steady clip. I am never without things to do, just without interest in doing the things I should. It's hard to find motivation sometimes, especially when I know that I have more time another day to do it(although on that day I'm going to want to do it just as little as I did the day before).
I am certainly learning a lot, about interviewing, radio stories, tv stories, writing, researching, and, of course the laws which I must follow as a journalist. Most of these are through practical application, for example, last week I produced a radio story. This week with two partners I am producing a TV story. However, interviewing is a whole new thing.

Tonight I interviewed a political candidate for an assignment. We did research on our candidate and chose a topic for our interview. But no matter how much I prepared, there's no way that I could have been ready for the challenges of my first interview(it was to be in the format of a live radio interview, and to be about 7 minutes long).

I failed to do some key things that I had been told in class, but didn't think would be a problem. Ie, the political candidate's campaign manager was in the room with us. I should have told the manager that the interview was to only include myself and my interviewee, thus the manager should not speak because his voice would be in my audio. He did talk, although very occassionally. I did not feel in control of my interview though. Part of that was just about how nervous I was, but also the manager being there, and I let my candidate hold the mic when he was answering questions. I should have held onto it. By letting him hold the mic, I was surrendering some of my power, and although I'm not sure that he felt that way, I sure did.

Anyways. Interviewing people for a print assignment, or even for a tv or radio story, is just completely different from this. You need to be able to think on your toes, clearly ask a question and be able to get a clear and concise response, and in an accountability interview, you need to cover all your bases. I definitely feel that this interview was one of the hardest things I've done yet. It's so spontaneous, uncontrolled, and just crazy. Essentially, all aspects are up to you, and you need to exert complete control over the situation. This is obviously something that I need to work on.

I will not do well on this assignment. But I am learning and have room to improve. I need to be ok with that.

My New Life

Things have changed SO MUCH in my life. I can't say for sure when it started. Things constantly changed, whether it was moving to the apartment in the sky, getting hired on at the Hotel, starting a relationship. I think I finally sought out my own happiness when I started dating Chris.

I am now progressing much more rapidly than ever before. I'm facing new things everyday, and the most notable is that it's not just one aspect of my life that has changed. For example, in the past I got a new job... so my workday changed. I moved, so where I lived changed. But now almost every hour of my day that isn't spent sleeping is different. I can't go visit Chris on my day off.. because I'm not really getting days off. I'm always doing schoolwork or working, or am in class.

My days revolve around school not work. It is stressful, and the most work I've ever had to do while in school. I felt on the edge yesterday and the day before. Thought I was going to go home and cry later on because of how much work this all is. But it didn't take long to realize that everything I feel "behind" on, everyone else was too. I succeeded in calming myself down, even though it took a day to lower my heart rate.

Last night after our quiz in night class, most of us 3rd years went out and had some drinks. It made for a pretty great night, and it was just what I needed.

I know I can handle this now. I am using up all the potential I've been wasting or been afraid of using all these years. I may not be the best in the class, but I am determined to succeed. Also, I love what I'm working toward. I have never actually had a final goal. Having one now makes my troubles worthwhile. Also... I can't wait to be published so all the people who were dicks to me when I was younger can go suck lemons when they see how far I've gone. I can't wait to see my name in print, or on the news, or wherever. It makes me giddy.

Jim

I've worked at Tumblers a long time. The owner's father, Jim, started up the place in the mid-80s, and then passed on the reigns to his son a few years ago. I have had many ups and downs with/because of Jim. He is essentially the daytime manager there. I'd say that he's not a bad guy in the way that if you got to know Hitler really well, you might think he's not a bad guy. Luckily Jim is in his 50s and no longer owns the business so his days of inflicting horrors on people are becoming more and more rare.

As is, he is pretty much just a quirky-as-shit old guy that makes me laugh. As a man from a different era he doesn't really understand how inappropriate some of the things he says are. They are entirely innocent, but bluntly sexual in nature, usually because of how he tries to backtrack when he realizes he's starting to say inappropriate things. Here are some examples I have encountered in my time:
"You know Chelsea, you have nice lips. That's not sexual. I mean, it could be. But that's not how I meant it!"
"You know, I mentioned this to Jen(a cook at Tumblers) already so it's not harrassment. When did you start dressing sexy? What's with that shirt you're wearing? It's like lingerie. Is that lace? It's nice, anyways."(it was a tanktop with lace trim, not underwear. And it was not at all a slutty outfit by the way)
"Don't take this wrong, but you must be doing something different. I don't know what it is but you just look really good lately."
He also just randomly took a picture of me on his phone once. I had dressed up really nice for work(like dress shirt, tie and vest) and he said he was going to show all the other waitresses how we should be dressing. A week or so later he said his wife saw the picture and said "what the heck?" because he has no other pictures whatsoever on his phone.

Shot Myself in the Foot

Mid-August I decided to go "part-time" at the Hotel Sask. I knew I'd have to go part-time at some point so I figured, why not do it when I have some time to just hang out before I'm back in school fulltime. I was not at all aware of the huge mistake I was making. I restricted my availability according to what I wanted for the month of August, but I did not account for my school hours at that time. So, in mid-August I talked to my manager and verbally changed my availability which we wrote down but as far as I know is "unofficial". I thought this was the right step to take. I thought that if I work 2 shifts a week, I'll be ok, and I'll pick up a few hours at Tumblers then there's nothing to worry about.

AAHHHH! Such a huge mistake. Apparently by officially restricting my availability for August(I did this because I knew that that was the only way I was actually going to get time off instead of having my wishes steamrolled by management) I nullified my seniority and became a casual instead of part-time employee. Now I'm at the bottom of a totem pole and I am so fucking upset. I worked there full-time for 10 months. That now means absolutely nothing. A guy who started 3 or 4 months ago is getting the shifts he wants and I am not. How is this ok? And yet, as a part of a union, there is nothing I can do. I should have been fully aware of what this restriction meant when I created it. But here's the thing: this guy is getting all the shifts he wants. How is he getting everything without having restricted hours as well? Is it because he's a guy and my manager seems to like him?

If I had known that I could just verbally or unofficially choose when I work, then I never would have gotten into this mess. Now that our full-time staffers are coming back from holidays, my manager said that I'll be getting only one shift on the next schedule, and the only way I'll get more is if I work room service(not serving, which is where I make all the moneys). If I only work one shift a week there, I might not be able to make it through this year without financial assistance.

How could I have worked for so long to have so much uncertainty? I'm heartbroken by this failure. I was so confident at the start of August. I saw all this money in my bank account, and somehow failed to acknowledge the $5600 of that was going towards school. Not books, not food, not rent, not fun times, not liquor, not gas, not car registration. Just to be there. Soon enough my ass will be getting kicked on a regular basis. I will be working so hard to succeed in Journalism School. I know that I can make work fit into this. But if I'm fighting to get shifts as a server I'm adding unnecessary stress. Looking at my bank account is going to become an awful ritual. What the fuck have I done? Do I seriously need another job?

Tone of Voice

I don't know if I've always been like this(as in as a child) or if it just developed with time, but my tone of voice usually does not represent what I intend to convey. I sound sarcastic when I'm not being so, and when I'm making jokes people oftentimes don't get that I'm kidding. I'm happy that I am aware of this now. I haven't always been, so oftentimes people mistake me for a bitch(which, of course, I am not. I am a genuinely kind and wonderful person). Chris reminded me last night that I warned him about my tone when we first got acquainted.

I suppose that how I talk might have started out as a protective mechanism for me. I was a shy child, I was ridiculed on a regular basis. Perhaps I started talking with a natural bit of sass to try to sound fearless. Maybe in the years where I had no real friends I forgot what normal interactions were like. Who knows. All I know is that as an adult, how I speak is a hurdle that I'm getting over.

When I'm serving I don't think it's as obvious, because I put on my fake genuine smile and talk real nice. But when I meet new people, when I'm out at the bar, that's where it hits. My friends must be somewhat used to it by now.

Anyways, this quirky impediment is something that I have to live with. It's funny, I always used to be fascinated by all the options of things to say in the world. So many possibilities, yet I generally chose none of them. I'd make up grandiose speeches in my brain, I'd prove all the assholes how wrong they were about me, but I'd never actually make a peep. Fascinated by the possibilities but silenced by the fear. And now when I manage to get the words out, they so often seem to miss their mark. Wonderful.

Anniversary

Chris and I will have been together for about a year very soon. We aren't sure of the exact "date" of our anniversary since we weren't officially a couple until we'd visited each other a few times over the period of a month or two. But the point is, that we've definitely been together for a year this month. I have needed an excuse to go for lobster for quite some time so this anniversary is perfect.

I am very excited. I love Chris and we have so much fun together. And I love the idea of lobster. How can this not be an awesome night? We aren't the kind of couple to celebrate every little milestone so this is really our first couple-y celebration.

I wonder if we can get some free dessert for this? We give out desserts for celebrations at the Hotel.. well, not for dating, for marriage. But we can pretend?

A Good Life

I am not morbid in any way, but every once in awhile I think, if I were to die tomorrow, would that be ok? I mean to say, do I feel like I am fulfilled, do I have good memories, am I happy, am I at a good place? Of course there are things that I want to do that may not get accomplished, such as start a career, be successful, have kids, so on, so forth. But what's happened so far is amazing. Hilarious things have happened to me, I have caused hilarious things. Brent used a line from Ferris Beuller today. "I'm not gonna let some snot-nosed kid leave my cheese out in the wind", and I laughed, but couldn't remember where the quote was from. He told me that it used to be one of my favourite quotes(either at end of highschool or start of uni).

I love that other people remember things like this from our lives. It also reminds me of when I lived with Brent and Caitlin. It wasn't perfect but undeniably it was a lot of fun. We did nerdy things and have hilariously tame and eclectic memories. Me and Brent would do math at the dining room table together every night, and I'd always joke about how when I looked up I'd get distracted by the reflection of myself in the sunroom doors. Before moving in I remember joking about how Brent would use our new sunroom(when we were actually excited to have a sunroom) to learn karate. I remember being nervously excited to start school.

I've always cherished my alone time. There are lots of observations I make when I'm enjoying nature in the park, a bike ride, a car ride, winter walks(oh lord, how I loved my serene winter walks), even tonight walking to my car from Brent and Caitlin's place after a visit. I marvel in nature. I love the Earth. I love soaking in my environment.

I love new experiences. I love hanging out with people that are completely different from me, and meeting new people. The experiences I've had at parties, or in the Explore program in Montreal, those were once-in-a-lifetime. I hold dear the new and the old adventures I've had. The times I've spent with family and friends are, of course, incredibly important. I may not spend a ton of time visiting back home, but I got some mad-love for my homies.

My point here is, I can imagine a video montage of some of my favourite memories, and it's a great montage. Like when Chris and I went to Winnipeg and our hotel didn't have a hot tub, so we crammed into our room's tub and ran the shower and unplugged the tub when it would fill up too much. And guitar hero marathons of younger years. So on so forth. I have a full life. I don't think I'm missing anything except the years that are to pass, and I'm sure they'll be great too.